


Complete Evil Overlord List From TV TROPES.

by Storm54



Category: Original Work
Genre: Evil Overlord List, I Took Out The Worst Stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 96,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27765556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storm54/pseuds/Storm54
Summary: There was not a fandom that fit this. Credit to all the users on TV Tropes who did this, and the original maker of the Evil Overlord List.





	1. Chapter 1

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not Left for Dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed unless I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I'll do it myself.  
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident — I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.  
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.  
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.  
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a Mad Scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. I will also make sure that he does not have an extremely beautiful and extremely impressionable daughter.  
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.  
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.  
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.  
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.  
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.  
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.  
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.  
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.  
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.  
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.  
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.  
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"  
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.  
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.  
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.  
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.  
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.  
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.  
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.  
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five to ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.  
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.  
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.  
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.  
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.  
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.  
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.  
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.  
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.  
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up alongside of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)  
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)  
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.  
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.  
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.  
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)  
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.  
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.  
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.  
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.  
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.  
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.  
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.  
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.  
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.  
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.  
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".  
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.  
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.  
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.  
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.  
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.  
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.  
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.  
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.  
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.  
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.  
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.  
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.  
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.  
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.  
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.  
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.  
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.  
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.  
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.  
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.  
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.  
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.  
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.  
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.  
I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.  
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.  
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.  
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.  
I will not outsource core functions.  
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.  
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.  
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.  
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.  
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).  
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.  
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.  
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.  
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.  
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.  
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.  
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.  
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.  
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.  
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.  
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.  
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.  
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.  
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.  
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.  
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.  
Under no circumstances will I ever, EVER give a weapon back to the hero engaged with me in a duel. Sporting chances are for sissies.  
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.  
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.  
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.  
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.  
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.  
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.  
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.  
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.  
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.  
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.  
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.  
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.  
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.  
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)  
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.  
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.  
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.  
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.  
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.  
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."  
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.  
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"  
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room — three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.  
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".  
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.  
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.  
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.  
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.  
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.  
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.  
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.  
If I do outfit my minions with gas masks or scuba equipment I will ensure that the equipment is functional and I will train them to use gas weapons.  
I will instruct my minions to attack the hero at once if they outnumber him. They are NOT to attack him one at a time.  
I will fight as dirty as possible when facing the hero.  
I will also instruct my minions to also fight as dirty as possible and to fight with whatever they can find.  
I will have all hallways in my fortress randomly shift in decoration and color to negate the possibility of anyone blending in to the surroundings.  
I will always listen if a child of the members of my inner circle tells me they have something important to say.  
Additions made based on fark.com (original source here):

When pursuing the hero who is fleeing on foot, my helicopter pilots will not make long strafing runs. This will only allow the hero to take advantage of natural cover and improvise weaponry or utilize concealed armaments. Instead, my pilots will hover close to the hero and fire at will with their automatic weapons.  
I will never play with any seeming innocuous devices, especially fountain pens, that I confiscate from the hero or his associates.  
Should the hero escape, I will not send my Legions of Terror on a suicide mission to chase him into an impenetrable asteroid field, burning swamp, or forest of carnivorous trees. My Legions of Terror will instead flank the area if possible, and practice basic marksmanship while waiting for the hero to reemerge. Well-trained troops are difficult to come by, and if they let my enemy escape, then they need more training.  
Any evil uncles or disgruntled envious half-brothers of mine will not be tolerated. They may be incompetent and not openly sulk or plot against me for years, but they will inevitably try to seize an opportunity in my moment of weakness. They will be summarily executed and catapulted into a faraway province to prevent them from becoming pesky ghosts that would advise the hero.  
All staircases will have handrails and anti-slip surfaces.  
I will create an elaborate decoy lair replete with guards, traps, and a scale replica of my current project. Meanwhile, my actual project will be housed in a nondescript suburban office building.  
All firearms stored in easy-to-reach closets will be decoys that explode upon use. Furthermore, incompetent henchmen will be issued the same weapons and be instructed never to fire them. When the hero inevitably steals their weapon and tries using it, he will blow himself up.  
When I finally get around to building my fantasy dinosaur island, I will make sure that the electric fence/defense capabilities of the island are not solely in the hands of one computer built in the mid-nineties. Furthermore, an entire team of qualified engineers will be entrusted with keeping that system operational, rather than entrusting the whole project to a single overweight man prone to temptation.  
My minions will be well-fed, well-paid, and well-rested. A generous benefits package will garner loyalty, boost morale, and ensure that none of them become disgruntled minions.  
Any of my trap rooms that are a typical slow death type, such as closing walls with spikes, rising water, etc., will only appear to be slow for the first 10 seconds. Thereafter the process will speed up 100 fold.  
Any would-be messiahs who set foot in my realm who develop a popular following will be apprehended and provided a secluded life of comfort and leisure.  
When finally encountering the hero for our Climactic Battle, I will greet him as if he were an old dorm mate. This will surely confuse him.  
My robot army will not be big, slow-moving, and fashioned with inferior AI. Instead they will be built for speed, agility, and remotely controlled by my army of 15-year-old Korean Counter-Strike players.  
The halls of my Impenetrable Fortress/Craft will always be straight, and my guards will not be dispatched on winding patrols through the corridors. Rather they will be stationed, four at a time, back-to-back, at every intersection.  
Any jewelry of power will be fitted with a homing mechanism. Such objects are difficult to come by, and the last thing I need is for it to be lost for centuries in a secluded pond or worse—in the cracks of my couch.  
I will not do a shoddy job erasing the hero's memory and attempt to trick him into thinking he is my partner.  
Upon capturing the hero, I will immediately declare a "Take your daughter to work day" to have a significant number of human shields on hand.  
I will not discontinue searches immediately after the hero has been captured. The searches will continue until I am satisfied that he did in fact travel alone.  
I will not offer a bounty for the hero's capture. Henchmen have a pesky tendency to fight each other over these rewards.  
I will use a Restraining Bolt on all my subordinates.  
I will not have hobbies. They will only be used against me by my disloyal subordinates.  
Given a choice between killing a specific high-ranking enemy with a 30 megaton ICBM, and a gun, I'd choose the gun. It does put me in danger, but it's the only way to bypass his plot armor.  
Unless I am sure that there's a long lost moral to the story, I will refrain from pointing out any contradictions, grey areas, or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code. Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves.  
If my death will trigger whatever nonsensical force causes my evil lair to collapse, I will make sure this also applies with all imperial public structures such as aqueducts and mine shafts (just like my lair, I built most of them anyway). And I will remind the heroes that killing me will mean years of drought and mineral shortage to millions of people.  
Better yet, in addition to the above, I will have a doomsday device that detonates upon my death. This will make it far more difficult to defeat me.  
If the hero has a particularly gentle, nice, and sweet companion, I will not torture or otherwise provoke him/her. I will, however, attempt to keep some genuinely nice, gentle people around who are loyal to me personally.  
The first thing that my Legions of Terror learn as part of their training will be that standing perfectly still and out in the open during a firefight is not going to help their life expectancy. Cover exists for a reason!  
If body armor cannot protect my minions, I won't issue it. What's the point?  
If I manage to capture one of the heroes, I'll figure out what kind of weakness allowed me to capture this one at first. Then perform other methods like psychic interrogation, DNA scanning and computer simulations for further discovery on their weaknesses and abilities. This data will then be present at the next advisers meeting for analyzing and exploiting it.  
I will have minions search out every weapon merchant in the land and either employ him or buy out all his stocks. With any luck the heroes will have no access to equipment above the starters.  
I will refrain from using the standard supervillain insults. "Imbecile" and "You Fool!!" lower minion self-esteem, and while they get the point across, are overused.  
If I have other means to gain control of the kingdom than to force a princess to marry me, I'll go with this plan instead. Also, I'll make sure to remember that "princess" is not synonym to "first beauty in the country" or to "perfect wife for evil lord."  
A backstabbing wife can be dangerous to have around, but she can provide necessary training. If I never relax in her company, I'm less likely to relax when the hero comes to assassinate me.  
I will pretend to care for my minions to keep morale up, but in reality I will be sure that I do not, in any way, care about them. That way, I won't go crazy should they turn against me.  
If I'm not already batshit insane, I will at least pretend to be so I can plead insanity at my trial (If I get one, hopefully the hero will take pity on a "poor madman" and follow due process).  
I will have a suggestion box outside my office. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll read anything the mooks stuff in there, but it will raise morale.  
Mooks will have their libido suppressed to nil while on duty, regardless of gender. My armies are at war, and while we're at it, they cannot be distracted by trivial matters such as sex.  
If the green rocks my mad scientist team is using in their research causes horrendous mutation or death, but also can be used to do magic, I will make sure to have the devices powered by it be bulletproof and make uniforms insulated against its radiation before having what amounts to little more than a bottle of the stuff and a handful of wires strapped to someone's arm.  
The architect who designed my dungeon, its traps, and its escape routes is doomed from the moment he signed on. As are any external service personnel I absolutely must hire to provide upgrades, such as the poor sod who put in the central A/C.  
I will regularly train for combat with my most loyal and skilled henchmen. It's always important to sharpen my abilities, especially if I haven't gotten much personal experience in fighting.  
I will make myself look as human as possible. While looking demonic, angelic, or animalistic will make me look more intimidating, it will also make it easier for the heroes to kill me if the time comes.  
I will plan according to my budget. If I do not have the money to design and mass produce the kind of technology required for many of the above precautions or if I don't have the good managers required to supervise my minions and make sure they actually follow protocol at all times, I will try to find a less expensive option and fix what I can.  
Any idea which crosses my mind which seems to only be there because I think it would be cool, regardless of practicality or good sense will be ignored. Yes, developing bands of minions to act to popular character types would be pretty neat, but I wouldn't want to be distracted from my overall plans by the little things.  
If a minion or civilian suggests something that is halfway decent, I will give him the credit for a good idea, rather than just stealing it. That way, if it fails, I can finger-point.  
I will offer top-notch dental and medical benefits, as well as a GI's Grant. Loads of people sign up for that sort of thing.  
If for whatever reason, I need to talk with the hero while holding him at gunpoint, I will use three highly trained marksmen. One to shoot at him from the front where he expects it, one to shoot him after he dodges the first bullet, and one with a machine gun to completely obliterate the corpse.  
All weaponry that can overheat and explode in my face will have a temperature-operated fail-safe that will render the weapon completely inoperable if removed or tampered with except for repairs and upgrades.  
My doomsday devices will not have a lengthy charge-up time, and will have a countdown timer just for show. They will be ready to use as soon as the hero waltzes into my control room. In addition, the conspicuous "off" button will activate the device immediately.  
If I take up playing an instrument, I will stay away from the ominous pipe organ. Marbe I should pick up something less obviously evil, like a trombone. Oh Wait.  
I will frequently pretend stupidity. If the hero is genre savvy, he or she will be afraid and think twice before attacking. If not, I get an easy kill.  
I will bring recruits into my army by funding their education at my nation's top school, thereby ensuring they are intelligent and capable of quick thinking.  
I will always value a small force of capable people (read: able to cause more than a few minutes' setback to the hero) over a vast army consisting largely of weaker mooks.  
I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible.  
If I must sacrifice a virgin every full moon, then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation.  
If my mad scientist creates a bunch of fully sapient monsters, with the emotional capacity for holding grudges, I will make sure that they aren't discriminated against. It would be disastrous if they betrayed me because I let them be treated as sub-human.  
Any secret agents or otherwise heavily trained soldiers from a distant land will be considered threats to my power.  
If I have to poison someone's drink, my drink will be a different color than my target's poisoned drink. Or I can use a poison I am already immune to, or barring that, have an anti-toxin ready ahead of schedule. The latter two options prevent the hero from trying to switch them.  
If I must transform into a monster as a last resort, I will actually test it for combat performance before fighting the hero. If the form ends up hindering me instead, it will not be used.  
Before I turn myself to the dark side, I'll find out if it does in fact have the overwhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that the greater power will leave me at a huge disadvantage to the forces of good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my reign of evil a reality.  
I will always remember the motto: "Overkill is good, overconfidence is not." If I kill a hero, I will not relax until I detonate his body to pieces, incinerate the pieces, fling the ashes into outer space (or better, into another dimension), and exorcise the site.  
Loud alarms in my base are reserved only for when an approaching army is sighted. If a lone enemy is sighted, a silent alarm will be raised and guards will simply patrol (but not appear to notice) the intruder, instead using the patrols to force the enemy into the dungeon, where they will be met with by my Elite Guard.  
If I build a secret room into a house, it will be underground, not behind a secret wall where anyone with a blue print or a decent sense of dimensions and spatial relations can spot it.  
I will also make sure the plucky comic relief cannot find the secret room by stumbling around and tripping into it.  
My security cameras will be placed in such a way that the hero cannot be out of sight by standing directly under the camera mounting.  
Just in case a hero has someone to take the bullet for them, I will always have an extra bullet more than I need to execute heroes. Furthermore, I will capitalize on the time it takes the hero to hear the rescuer's last words to line up my next shot and kill him.  
Local bands will be screened for magical instruments they just happened to find at a garage sale or the local pawnshop. Any band that has one, I will hire immediately to do my theme music, thus adding the awesome Power of Rock to my arsenal.  
If the end of my rule is inevitable, I'll search for a way to fake my death, establish a cult promising my messianic return, and preserve my body until the world is once again ready for me to take over.  
I will order all copies of the Evil Overlord List, and all subsequent derivatives, to be destroyed with the exception of a master copy which will remain in my safe deposit box for reference.  
My soldiers will wear devices that will sound an alarm if they are completely motionless or fall flat.  
If possible and necessary, I will turn myself into a powerful and free-willed undead who can resurrect after being killed again, such as a lich. This way, I'll just keep coming back. Of course, my soul jar will be under heavy guard in a secret room, with doors that only be opened from inside.  
Should I decide to split my soul, I will NOT keep the parts in unique and glorious items. Instead, I will use grains of sand in the Sahara and the Atlantic Ocean, and a small chunk of ice in the Arctic. And a screw on one of NASA's deep space probes.  
My soldiers will immediately destroy any towers and church steeples they encounter, as these are great sniper-blinds.  
I will not torture or kill the hero's friends in front of him. This increases the chance that his hidden powers will activate and kill me. I will take special care not to provoke the hero after I have won the fight.  
I will have a large group of highly-trained snipers guarding all sides of my fortress from any conceivable angle. One third of them will have laser sights. The rest will have scopes.  
All powered armor, mecha walkers, and battleships (both of the seafaring and spacegoing variety) will have point-defenses, even if such measures are largely worthless. Better safe than sorry.  
Rule #4 will not only be my personal guideline, but also an official policy for all soldiers. There will also be a policy to always shoot a body twice.  
Rather than use an obvious evil fortress, I will base my activities out of a reasonably-sized office suite that hosts a variety of offices for more legitimate businesses. The heroes should be hesitant to attack when there are so many innocent bystanders.  
I will not employ huge three-headed dogs who can be won over with honey to guard my ultimate weapon. Instead, I will employ small and fluffy squirrels, who just so happen to be vicious carnivores, and will massacre the hero before he realizes his folly.  
I will never tell any of my henchmen that "I don't pay you to think." Yes, it's true that people who think too much might be a threat to my authority, but if I wanted a mindless robot, I'd make or hire a mindless robot.  
If I have a genie's lamp, I won't let the hero trick me into becoming an "all-powerful" genie, if it would cost me my freedom.  
I will fool the heroes by building a false headquarters, misleading them into thinking that this is my personal base of operations. Once they enter expecting a climactic showdown, they will instead be locked inside with explosive booby-traps to level the entire building.  
Should I ever meet the hero, I will instantly pretend to be my own "good twin", then offer to lead them to my "evil twin's" lair. My soldiers will "kidnap" me when we approach, and thus lead the hero and his party into a trap.  
I will never try to make any deals with demons. As tempting as it is to have an evil magical being grant my greatest wishes, nothing can be worth the price of my soul or anything just as important.  
Should I foolishly sign a contract with a demon anyway, I will hire a ruthless lawyer to help me exploit any possible loopholes so I wouldn't have to pay my end of the bargain, and ensure that the demon can't try any similar trickery.  
I will ensure that my henchmen and servants get to throw fun parties when they're off duty. Also, if the hero walks in on a group of people playing charades where someone is impersonating a goose, he will think twice about it being his nemesis's fortress.  
If a person carrying an oddly-colored sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the wielder. If the sword is black, I will move to another dimension and never return.  
If I'm ever at the mercy of the Hero, I will share any (real or false) stories about my unhappy childhood. If the Hero is empathetic towards apparently sympathetic villains, he would at least spare my life.  
There will be no architectural elements in my bases that can provide alternate pathways for intruders - no catwalks that go nowhere but provide footholds, no entirely pointless machinery to climb, no convenient handholds that serve no obvious purpose besides being convenient handholds.  
Even if all my advisers agree that No One Could Survive That! blow I have just dealt to the hero, I will still chop his head off for good measure.  
If I'm ever seriously injured, I will fake being knocked stupid.  
All robotic duplicates will be built to look and act like the real thing. Any robot that says something like "Good morning, I am most definitely your sister, and not a clone designed to spy on you" will be sold for scrap.  
In a sealed and airtight room, I will have all my minions wearing gas masks stand next to bright red barrels labeled "DANGER: EXPLOSIVE!". When damaged, the barrels will release a non-flammable, non-explosive poisonous gas that will kill anyone not wearing gas masks.  
If I create mutant super soldiers, I will not make the prototype my trusted lieutenant, as prototypes have a tendency to go insane. After field tests prove successful, I will kill the original and clone more stable and advanced versions.  
Playing ominous music that screams finality, nice as it is, tends to give the heroes the resolve to continue all the way through my citadel and confront me. Instead, when they invade, I will begin playing elevator music, which is much more likely to exhaust and depress the heroes.  
When hiring new troops, I will tell them that their stealth ops uniform is neon pink. Anyone who tells me how impractical that is will be promoted immediately.  
I will take a fairly neutral stance on transhumanism. It will not be mandatory, nor will non-modified citizens be discriminated against. It will also not be illegal to undergo cyborgization or Bio-Augmentation.  
If I foolishly accept the hero's love interests' offer to become my consort, I shall never stop being suspicious of her, no matter how much time passes. Should she ever ask me about my weaknesses, I will lie.  
If one of my lieutenants turn out to be a traitor, I will kill him, cut off his head, impale his head on a stake, and nail a sign on said stake that reads: "I do not tolerate double-crossing back-stabbers", for such people tend to be more trouble then they're worth.  
I will never ever try to take over the world by playing a children's card game.  
All shady biological experiments will be reported as being ethical and voluntary, even if it isn't.  
I will never write an autobiography based entirely in truth.  
If my minions find a parasitic creature draining energy from the entire planet, I will not give into my urge to use it to run my superweapon. I will instead try to kill it.  
I will create a centralized licensing and registration system for all weapon manufacturers. All arms sales will be registered and tracked.  
I must remember that in the grand scheme of things, there isn't such a thing as complete immortality; I can be ageless, invulnerable, or both, but there will always be a way to shatter the magic and kill me. I will always keep this in mind no matter how assured my victory is.  
I will also ensure that if I lose my immortality, I will start to age normally, and I won't rapidly age and decay into dust.  
Before pursuing immortality, I will make sure I can turn it off when I've had enough. Ruling my empire for a thousand years would be awesome. Outliving the solar system and being stranded in a universe that will eventually die would decidedly NOT be awesome.  
If I beat the heroes to any sort of magic artifact that doesn't involve my own plans, I'll destroy the thing on the spot, not throw it into my dungeon in an easily accessed spot (unless doing so would remove my powers, in which case I will employ Rule #5).  
I should note the heroes rarely if ever disrupt my plans as soon as they're getting off the ground. If I delay my plans I can take my sweet time fortifying my fortress, training my legions of evil, and kicking as many puppies as I want.  
If The Power of Love is an actual, metaphysical phenomenon in my universe, I will have my minions paired off and sent out as battle couples.  
The corridor leading to my Artifact of Doom will be full of highly visible and sweeping laser beams to distract intruders from the grid of invisible laser beams, as well as the sound, heat, and motion detectors.  
I will improve on every other villain's ideas and potential villain's ideas, including but not limited to this list.  
Should I attain victory, I will remember that it will become boring eventually, and remember to stop myself from creating my own new nemesis just to keep me entertained; sports and video games work just as well to keep me occupied when there's nothing else to conquer.  
I will not deny or undermine the effectiveness of cake-based cooking songs as a form of torture.  
If I am competing with many other villains over the fate of the world, I will remember to paint myself as the least of all the evils, as this is great for propaganda, along with making temporary alliances with heroes if that should ever become necessary.  
If I rise to power by replacing my boss, I will not lash out if my former leader returns; odds are that whatever helped him cheat death could turn me into a puddle of molten flesh in an instant. Instead, I'll return to serving him until I find what his weakness is, and then direct the heroes to it so I can take him out when I get the chance.  
I will not use a horde of tiny killing machines to pacify a planet. Especially if the item that makes them ignore my troops has to be calibrated every so often.  
If I use any sort of long and complex deathtrap, I'll make sure that in case of escape, I will personally implement it. That way, when the hero thinks he's been smart and escaped through the Absurdly Spacious Sewer, or wherever it may lead, I will be waiting. With a gun.  
If I absolutely must have brainwashed henchmen, I will not give them the keys to my inner chambers.  
Before I send my assassins to kill someone, I will give them bags full of hair trimmings collected from the local barber shop, or other random genetic material, to contaminate the crime scene with.  
I will prevent the creation of potential heroes by appointing their families to important positions in my government, and molding any would-be heroes into my right-hand men.  
I will remember that the power of hope is not the exclusive virtue of the good guys.  
Self-preservation will always come before the plan. If I fail and everything starts to come down around me, I will not let pride get the better of me and go down with the ship or commit suicide; instead, I'll drop what I'm doing and escape immediately.  
I will never underestimate the advantages of good intel and high power sniper rifles. It may not be chivalrous or fair to shoot the hero in the back from miles away, but I am more likely to succeed this way. If it does not work, I will carry on trying at random intervals.  
I will never, ever create technology that can bypass all security and lay bare the secrets of everyone, and drive the users insane so they can be controlled more easily. That shit not only gets you nowhere, it usually ends with rebellions and your creations being used against you.  
I will endeavor to use reason to combat enemy tactics. For example, if a book must be banned because it is enemy propaganda, I will explain why to the public and point out passages that directly oppose the empire's values, or explain the possible consequences of people reading the novel.  
I will give all possible military aid to allied nations, so that the hero will have trouble finding allies there who oppose me.  
If I must kill someone and I know that the public will inevitably hear about it, I will explain why I did it and why it was unavoidable, placing emphasis on any treason, rebellion, or other detrimental aspects of the victim's life.  
I will not live in my fortress, instead, I will hide in my grandmother's basement and have my fortress presided over by a robotic replica of someone I hate. This robot will do all the dirty work and, with luck, get killed by the heroes while I am safe to watch them hack it up.  
I'll watch out for any fake heroes, if someone threatening my regime dies quickly enough that I say "That was too easy", I'm probably right. I'll investigate the family ties related to the person I just killed, and deduce which one will most likely grow up to be the revenge-seeking hero.  
If my spies reveal that the leader of the band of heroes does not have a reason for wanting me dead besides my generic villainy, I'll direct my resources away from him and try to find out who the real hero or chosen one among them is.  
I will always assume that my evil plans can fail at any given point, whether it be anywhere from before it begins to moments before its completion, and plan accordingly. Also, I will keep Murphy's Law in mind.  
I will do my research and ensure that my opponent does not believe in an entity that grants him multiple lives. If so, I will find a way to get rid of his additional lives before facing him. After all, finding out only during a battle usually leads to unpleasant surprises and death.  
If I steal something of value from the hero, I won't upgrade it for my own personal use; eventually, the hero will wind up taking it back, and he will have an upgraded item made with my resources.  
If the entire party of heroes has been captured and imprisoned, they will be locked up separately, their pet who could help them escape will be isolated, and the smartest guards (or at least ones with some common sense) will be assigned to watch them.  
I won't try to kill infants, especially that one prophesied to defeat me. I won't fall into the trap of trying to kill a kid who otherwise wouldn't be a threat until I make him one. Instead I will raise the child as my heir, and I'll fulfill the letter of the prophesy by having him beat me at a kid's game or sport.  
In the event that the hero enters my lair, I will disguise myself as a butler, have my butler disguised as me, and once he kills the butler, and has his moment of triumph, I will kill him with a simple shot to the back of the head.  
I will remember that my special forces who have never lost a battle can still be defeated. Too many Evil Overlords have relied too heavily on them and are soon left with no elite warriors after the Hero eventually kills them.  
I will not underestimate an enemy army just because we have outnumbered them. They may still have a chance of prevailing.  
If I'm draining life energy from people, harvesting organs, or extracting bodily fluids from corpses, then I will make sure to do the grisly work in a clean environment out of sight. While it may be useful to have corpses laying around to instill an air of fear, I should at least be able to keep things neat and tidy when necessary.  
Guards will always carry a list with names and descriptions of people who are allowed entrance. Allowing in anyone who's not on the list will result in execution. Anyone who refuses to believe their names aren't on the list, and insists "there must be some kind of mistake", will be interrogated outside the premises.  
If I ever find myself in a situation where me and my enemy are standing at opposite ends of a room with guns aimed at each other, I will skip over the dialogue and just shoot him in the head before he causes any more trouble. Alternatively, I can monologue and just shoot him randomly during the monologue.  
If my demise is inevitable, and there's nothing I can do to save myself, I'll attempt to Face Death with Dignity (or at least hide the shame). Nothing's more humiliating than revealing oneself to be a pathetic coward or a sore loser in their final moments.  
Although I will make backup plans for my possible death, I will not design this part of the plan to be a core element.  
My retirement plan will have enough challenges to keep me occupied. Too many accomplished villains grow bored with victory, and go back to fighting battles they've already won out of nostalgia.  
I will make sure that I have one person in my evil council whose job it is to argue against anything suggested. He will not be punished for disagreeing with me, so as long as he has reasonable arguments.  
Before I curse anyone, I'll make sure it isn't broken by true love's kiss or something easy like that. I'll either use one that can't be broken or, better yet, one that can only be broken by having me willingly kiss them.  
If I must use mind control, I'll ensure only I can remove it of my own free will, and that killing me will cause all the affected to die horribly.  
If I brainwash someone into becoming my sleeper agent who forwards my evil plans without their knowledge, I will not have the brainwashing wear off when my sleeper agent finishes the last task I gave them. They'll simply return to an initial state where more instructions can be provided.  
If I capture and brainwash one of the heroes, I will not send them back to their companions with instructions to lead them into a trap, or backstab them. Instead, I will seize the opportunity to order my new slave to turn around, then execute them.  
I'll never outlaw smiling, hugs, flowers, or "being nice". I might not like any of that stuff, but ruling a whole country of assholes and people forced to be assholes will just make everyone annoyed and miserable, cause rampant crime and vandalism, and lower property values.  
Professional butt kissers will not be promoted, as they only give animosity to other henchmen. Butt kissing will only be used as a tie breaker if the butt kisser is as loyal, intelligent, and effective a leader as the other candidate.  
If I have a monstrous form, I'll ensure the transformation lasts a fraction of a second so I won't be attacked while doing so. If I have more than one, I'll use the most powerful form and kill everyone before something bad happens.  
After destroying the home planet of the only race that can possibly challenge me, I will order the entire star system scanned for escape pods before doing anything else. I will also kill the only survivors instead of letting them work for me.  
I will never casually assume the heroes won't employ some of their more morally questionable options because they're too good for it. If all goes according to plan, there's a good chance they'll treat my decisive victory as the final straw.  
My Legions of Evil will not conceal their faces, and they will all wear helpful "Hello, my name is..." nametags so I know who to punish if they step out of line.  
If I decide to destroy a town, I will make sure that I've burned it completely, so that no one survives. I'm a villain, after all; I'm not supposed to be nice.  
If I see an escape pod leaving a vessel I have just commandeered, I will destroy the escape pod, even if there doesn't appear to be anyone on board.  
If I'm about to lose a civil war, I may negotiate with the rebels, allowing them to take over in exchange for granting me immunity to prosecution, and living in a luxurious exile for the rest of my life. Hopefully there's always the chance that the rebels will run things so badly that loyalists will beg for my return.  
I will read up on other useful guides, and use their tactics when a situation occurs which makes the tactics contained in this list ineffective or counterproductive.  
I will not be focused on avenging petty injustices in my childhood, as this will make me appear to be rather pathetic instead of respectable.  
I won't invite private citizens into my fortress while executing the final stages of my plan.  
If a new employee, passing traveler, or guest I've invited bests me at a simple game I would normally win, I will interrogate and kill them immediately. That man (or woman, or teenager) is an enemy spy.  
All rooms in a base, including bathrooms and even my own personal bedroom, will be bugged with a vast surveillance network of hidden cameras and microphones.  
I will jam all wireless communications and radio frequencies in and around my fortress. Any outward communications will be done via direct, wired communications through monitored channels.  
If I intend for my nemesis to unwittingly activate my superweapon during a PR stunt, I will secretly be carrying a second remote trigger for the superweapon. If the crowd starts to panic over an exciting entrance by the hero, I will activate the weapon and hightail it out of there.  
Despite how impressive it may be, I won't keep my shark in a giant glass tank, particularly when I try to drop henchmen who failed me or visiting heroes in there. Six-inch-thick portholes can be just as dramatic.  
If my plan involves replacing powerful leaders with clones, I won't waste time by waiting for all my targets to be replaced before disposing all the originals at once. Instead, I will kill each one as he/she is being replaced.  
If my plan relies on the assistance of the gambling addict, I will kill him when he's no longer useful. They are easy to control, but can become greedy quickly. And they tend to gamble with everything, especially with Evil Overlords and Death.  
I won't ever reveal my plans to the hero, especially when he plays a crucial role in it. If he asks me, I will lie all about it; or should I tell the truth, he will be killed immediately.  
If my men find an otherwise innocuous item that contains an advanced system or mechanism in a guest's or employee's room, I will confiscate ALL items from the room, regardless of how innocent they seem.  
I will resist any urge to taunt my enemy during my escape. For instance, if flying away via helicopter, I will not stop or lean out to wave goodbye at them.  
Despite any similarities they have, I will not keep an enemy alive because they resemble a lost family member or friend. As much as it would break my heart, it would be far better to just kill them immediately.  
If my plan involves derailing a high political figure, I will kill him once I am finished with him, not keep him drunken and embarrassed in the dilapidated building right next to my fortress.  
The keycard I use to activate my superweapon will be the swipe-and-withdraw kind, not the kind that has to be kept in the machine to keep it activated. I will take the keycard with me so nobody else can deactivate it. If the hero DOES somehow manage to steal it, it will have fingerprint scanners that will electrocute anyone who is not me.  
I will make it clear to my security precisely who I've invited to PR events. As such, if nobody I've invited is under the age of twenty, all teenagers and children are to be turned away at once regardless of whether or not they have a ticket.  
All trucks entering and leaving any of my secure installations will be searched top to bottom, on the inside AND on the outside.  
All sentries guarding my deathtrap obstacle course will check that all dead bodies really are dead. Preferably by stabbing/shooting the body in the back and/or head. Once this is done, corpses will promptly be gathered up and incinerated.  
If the hero escapes from me, I will order a full investigation on him. As a part of that, I will interview everyone in my organization to see if they know him; this includes the trained assassin I've hired.  
If the trained assassin I've hired refuses to kill the hero, I will interrogate them. If the assassin fails to give a good excuse, they will be executed immediately.  
I will always try to aim for the head with every shot. If this is not possible, I will gun down the enemy first, and follow up every downed enemy with a head shot.  
I will not fund any lengthy, high-budget, venture capitalist project, such as a hotel in space. Despite the boost in PR that I desperately need, it may well come back to bite me if it starts running over budget and starts to eat away at my vast funds.  
When I calibrate the controls for the superweapon to my handprint, I will immediately lock down the controls to ensure that nobody else can access the controls and disarm it or – even worse – detonate it where it will have no effect.  
I will always consider the best assassination techniques for every situation. For example, if I want to eliminate a vehicle near one of my installations while holding a New Year's Day PR event, the fireworks can easily disguise the flash and sound of a rocket launcher.  
I will not have the hero unwittingly set the final phase of my plan in motion if the only reason for doing so is my own personal amusement.  
I will remember who has the bargaining power at all times. Even if the hero has the object I need to launch my evil plan and is threatening to destroy it, it won't matter as long as I have his girlfriend.  
I will run an evil clandestine organization, and my identity will remain hidden. The hero can't stop who he doesn't know, and it's far more intimidating to the masses for the identity of the evil one terrorizing them to be a mystery.  
When me and the hero are fighting over a powerful object, if for some reason, even though I've apparently beaten them, they stand up, with a badass look in their eye, and say something like "you want the MacGuffin, TAKE THE MACGUFFIN!", I will immediately jump into my escape pod, flee, and blow up the base posthaste; I clearly don't understand the power I was dealing with, and me taking the hero up on their offer would have resulted in my death.  
If my officers are captured, they will be instructed to say something like "everything is A-OK" or something similar, that sounds reasonable and normal. This will be the cue to send in the elite shock troops, shoot on sight, and flood the corridors with knockout gas, as said codewords will only be said in times of duress, and the actual "everything is OK" signal will be something like "Situation Normal, reporting back in five".  
If, for any reason, I decide to employ ninjas, I will make sure that they, contrary to my normal Legions of Terror, fight the Hero one on one. And by 'fight' I mean use every dirty trick in the book and anything they can think up to kill the Hero before he even knows they are there, fighting openly only as a last resort.  
I shall also only hire one of them at a time, all from the same clan, and maintain a professional relationship and respect for the traditions of said clan, even if their beliefs clash with my own. (As a side note, should relations with said clan sour, the clan's lair shall be firebombed and any survivors hunted down and executed.)  
Related to the firebombing issue, I will never deliberately attack a ninja clan because I think they might be working with the hero. I will instead do everything possible and within reason to recruit them to my side instead. (Alternatively, I will frame the Hero for the firebombing.)  
In addition, I will make sure that any ninjas I employ are not possessed by any Eldritch Abomination that they might lose control of in a tense situation.  
I will not be a sociopath or a social isolate. Being able to model my enemies' thoughts and feelings in my own mind is useful. Thus, in my evenings, weekends and holidays I will maintain a healthy, reasonable social life with several friends and hobbies. Besides, it's always important to leave a good impression in the community.  
I will never deploy an infantry invasion against an enemy replete with wizards, witches, arch-mages, mahou shoujo, or any other form of magic-users. While in tech-heavy universes, specifically ethnocidal viruses are difficult to create, the equivalent magical effect is dirt easy. More than one aspiring Overlord has found his/her-self magically thrown continents away from their target, their armies battered and maimed, due solely to the magical equivalent of a semi-permeable cell membrane.  
If it conveniently turns out that only one person is the specific key to the area-effect weaponry or defenses, I will not drug, disable, or mind-control them in a complicated infiltration plot. I'll just kill them as soon as I get close.  
Rather than using my vast propaganda machines to teach the population at large, and thus my prospective enemies, to fear and loathe me, I will use it to teach them the values of pacifism and nonviolence. Idealistic nonviolent activists are far easier to kill than real heroes.  
If I have a four-part plan, I will make sure to have a fifth part.  
My bases will have extremely strict safety requirements and I will have regular tests of failsafes. Keeping my mooks safe improves morale and ensures that sure I don't lose them needlessly, the Hero will not be able to push them off ledges or easily tamper with my machinery, and the destruction of my base would be more likely to leave more of my troops alive to fight another day.  
While factories spewing pollution add a wonderfully villainous ambiance, I will bear the cost of mitigating and preventing the environmental damage if there are any local nature spirits or guardians that can be persuaded by heroes to attack me. A few acres of land and unsustainably harvested timber are not worth an invasion by Ents.  
If I ever try to convince the hero to join me, I will have polished my debate skills enough to win the argument and leave the hero in doubt, even if I cannot turn him yet. I will ensure the hero is unable to return to his friends for moral support and strengthen his resolve. Once the Hero has come over to my side, I will make it my first priority to kill him/her by any means possible. Whether his defection is genuine or not, this is an ultimately better result than my situation before, or than it might become if the hero betrays me.  
I will not, repeat, will not install a MuffinButton on any of my ships.  
I will never answer my own doorbell. I remember how that worked out for Gerald Bull. That's why I have minions.  
If I can revive fallen elites in my army, I will remember not to send them against the hero for revenge; instead they will resume their original mission while the hero is miles and miles away.  
Alternately, I will teach them to cover their weaknesses, as giving them new powers may provide an opportunity to be defeated again.  
If I am successful and get the chance to make a wish that can come true, I WILL be as specific as possible when doing so. Eldritch Abominations or Artifacts of Doom I could use for this purpose could try to play the game of Hijacked by Ganon or Jackass Genie. Ideally, I'll get a legal team.  
If I ever obtain powers over time, I will go to the past and either A.) kill the hero as a baby, or B.) go back to the time after the dinosaurs went extinct, which will have less chance of opposition (aside from native mammals) and therefore be easier to take over.  
If I should end up holding the hero in my tech-based telekinesis, I will not just casually toss him in to a wall and leave with out bothering to check if he survives. I will instead crush him with the aforementioned telekinesis until he resembles a smooth jelly.  
While having a motif is nice, and many make for some badass armor designs, they also make it easier for the hero to identify where I have influence. Therefore, I will forgo having a motif and keep my operations as nondescript as possible.  
When designing my personal suit of armor, I will take note of actual body armor. I'll probably actually want to take some cues from SWAT teams in that regard, too.  
I will try to force the Good Guys to use Weapons of Mass Destruction, or use them first. The stigma attached to such weaponry will turn otherwise-neutral parties to my side.  
Corollary to Rule #158: While the hero is likely to be surprised by the recipe for Grandma’s Potato Salad the first time, it also creates an uncertain situation. On the one hand, it could increase my standing among the masses. On the other, I could be boosting the morale of the hero and his allies.  
I will never torture anyone just to demonstrate how evil I am. This is a Bitch Alert waiting to happen.  
If all other security precautions fail and The Hero and his companions confront me, I will immediately rectify whatever it is that caused them to band together. Any families that were killed as collateral damage in my expansion campaigns will be buried with high honors and any razed towns, hamlets, cities, biodomes or whatever will be reconstructed. Either this will convince the heroes that I do have a heart (pffffft!) or they will otherwise just back down at the attempt to make amends.  
When installing security systems in my fortress I will remember that fish eye lenses can imbue security cameras with fields of vision in excess of 180 degrees, thereby removing the possibility of an infiltrator sneaking by them when they're turned the other way.  
If I install radio jammers or any form of machine that interferes with communication, I will keep them inside my base, in a locked room, filled with poisonous gas and the odd booby trap. I will ensure that they cannot be destroyed by simply having their screens punched out. Rather, anyone who attempts to do that will be electrocuted.  
I will allow my mooks to have regular contact with their families, so they will not turn on me due to loneliness. In fact, if costs allow, I will house their families in the same building as my mooks, so that they can never be used against them by an Anti-Hero.  
The best way to avoid being killed by a Hero is to ensure that I'm not the bloke with a bullet in his head. Having an identical clone, a mind-controlled twin, a robotic duplicate, or a puppet that is my public face is insanely useful. Alternatively, having some sort of inverse-shield that actually strengthens me every time someone tries to shoot me may be considered.  
When it comes to my Legions of Terror, I will ensure that all the Head Mooks will have a friendly rivalry with each other. That way, they will compete for my attention but not get vicious enough to fight internally.  
Each and every person that works for me will have several microphones and GPS trackers on them, so that I can always know where they are and if they are plotting against me.  
Every mook entering my service will have a thorough background check to ensure that they have no hidden grudges against me, my staff, or my predecessors.  
I will believe in the spirit of emulation. If someone who works for me does well, they will be rewarded. This boosts morale and encourages them to work harder. Punishment should usually be death, unless it would severely harm PR to do so. Then it should merely be a reduction of salary or deprivation of privileges.  
Before imprisonment, any captives will be given a thorough and complete cavity search by someone who is not sexually attracted to them in any way. Any guard disgusted by this duty will be summarily executed and replaced with a more willing employee.  
If the heroes send someone utterly ridiculous but that is capable of defeating any powerful villain because of it, i will send my most pathetic, clumsy minion against him. After all, if the Rule of Funny is what allows such a being to come on the top, nothing is fairer than to exploit the ridiculousness of the situation and gave him a taste of his own medicine, pitching him against someone that's more silly than he is, leading to his defeat since it's funny that way!  
If a technique can defeat me once, I will learn it.  
I will not trust any single point off any of the preceding lists alone to render me Genre Savvy.  
If my Mad Scientist creates a new model of mech or robot armor I will have a mook use the new model and have him fight my strongest and most trusted lieutenant in the next most recent model. If my lieutenant wins I shall order the scientist to improve the new model and I shall destroy the model my lieutenant was using.  
Should I have the hero tied, disarmed and at my mercy, I will not untie him, give him back his weapon, and engage him in a duel just to prove my superiority. I will instead simply chop his head off.  
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and order the hero's execution in a forced brawl against several wild beasts instead of just shooting him, I will immediately have him shot if he overcomes the beasts.  
I don't care how cool it sounds. I will always have my gun cocked before going after the hero.  
After reading every item of the Evil Overlord List until they are etched into my memory, I will erase all traces of said lists, track down all parties who contributed to the list and eliminate them. I will then wear a mask of stupidity and track down any aspiring Evil Overlords and if I deem them dumb enough to fall for my facade, but competent enough to achieve a measure of success and pose a threat to mankind, recruit them to be a part of MY Legion of Terror, while playing the role of THEIR minion. During this time, I will scout any prospective heroes and arrange it so that all heroes and Overlords-in-Training meet up for a death match and eliminate each other for me. I will not waste any time in letting survivors catch their breath, executing them on the spot. I will bring guns, dagger, dirks, swords and shuriken to every encounter, have all weapons doused in poison and use any means at my disposal to ensure an advantage over allies and foes alike. After the dust settles, I will have my personal band play my theme song as I am declared Evilest of Evil Overlords.  
I will never, I repeat, NEVER, stop and make idle conversation, small talk, chit chat, gossip, etc. with the hero should I come across him. Should our paths cross, I will shoot him, stab him, poison him, choke him, drown him, decapitate him, flay and mutilate him, burn him, chop him up and use any and all supernatural powers I have to all around erase his existence from behind and ask questions later. Should we meet face to face, and he/she is destined to stop me and kick my ass (be it in that order or no), I will avoid one-on-one confrontation and instead send all of my forces at him at once and then follow the above procedure while he/she is distracted or wounded or both.  
However, if I meet The Hero in a place where neither of us can harm the other, e.g. the Spirit Realm, I will covertly tell my minions to go to their location and capture their physical body, while I distract them by talking about my beliefs/ how my day is going/ my Tragic Backstory. If any seeds of doubt can be sown into their mind, it will give me yet another advantage should things go pear-shaped.  
Blood Knight though I may be, I will not attempt to best the Hero in single combat just to prove that I'm superior. If I have him at my mercy, I'll just kill him. He can't prove he's superior to me if his head is at my feet.  
My Legion of Terror will be equal opportunity employer but all applicant Mooks will have to pass a competency and physical aptitude test and will be placed in positions fit for their results. However, all of them will be given health benefits for them and their families, including life insurance so that low ranking mooks will have an incentive to go on suicide missions.  
I will build my fortress so that in the event that the alarm is raised, there will be a hall that my elite defense mooks are instructed to enter that has no windows, the entrance and exits automatically shutdown and no way to sabotage the hall. All Mooks will be instructed to shoot back to back and any mook that shoots facing one another deserves what he gets (if they don't die, they will not be killed but suffer a fatal accident).  
My Mooks will be given special headgear to protective from concussive/flash bangs, smoke bombs, and poison/noxious gasses so as not to be caught off guard and the hall will be specifically designed to immediately respond to any fires and or vapors that arise in the hall, instantly erasing them but not lasting long enough to give the hero and his gang any advantage should they possess certain elemental affinities.  
Much to my disgust, I will acknowledge it's a valuable skill to Know When to Fold 'Em.  
In the event I forget that holding the Idiot Ball is a Bad Thing and decide to place the hero in a Death Trap instead of executing him cleanly and quickly, I will watch the whole thing and have a squadron of my Legions of Terror on standby to gun down the hero if he escapes.  
When building my evil Fortress'O'Doom, I will make sure that the room holding all my weapons and/or explosives is a) always locked, guarded and watched and b) not right next to or under my main room of doom.  
If the land around my fortress is populated by giant worms, mutant insects or rabid zombies, I will put all my troops through a strict training course on how to avoid or kill them in event of a breach.  
When I have all the tunnels rigged with mines, pit-traps or swinging blade traps, I will make sure to inform my troops of the fact that there in the tunnels there are mines, pit-traps and swinging blade traps.  
I will remember that Even Evil Has Loved Ones and plan accordingly. I will not give my minions any reason to resent me and will in fact encourage Minion Shipping so that if the hero kills one or more of them, there is always someone with a very good reason to want the hero dead. I will engage in Villainous Friendships with my minions and especially my Dragon and lieutenants. I will engage in Unholy Matrimony rather than use a harem. Being able to call upon the Power of Love and the Power of Friendship is nothing to sneeze at.  
Before engaging in my Reign of Terror as a Villain with Good Publicity, I will hire an Obviously Evil vizier/advisor/chancellor/prime minister who is also The Starscream and about as competent as the Trope Namer. I will put him ostensibly in charge of the most unsavory parts of my Empire without actually giving him any real authority. He will make an excellent fall guy and I will endeavour to allow the Hero to "free" me from the influence of my Evil Chancellor who has obviously been the cause of all this tragedy that has occurred behind my back.  
Once the Hero starts killing off large numbers of my Mooks, I will periodically hold mass memorial services for them with open caskets and grieving relatives for all the world to see. I will deliver an eulogy and shed a Single Tear for my slain comrades. This will paint me as A Father to His Men and the Hero as a Sociopathic Hero. I will also provide bursaries for the education of surviving dependants, medals to honor the fallen and gratituities to feed their surviving parents and widows. If there are any orphans (especially if both parents worked for me), I will raise them in an Orphanage of Love and see if I can convince some of them to become Tyke Bombs. I will use these in my elite guard and the Hero can explain to them why Daddy and Mommy had to die just for doing their jobs.  
If my Mooks are armed with deadly insta-death laser weaponry, I will design the guns to be so complicated that no person who isn't trained in the use of such a weapon can use them. That way, I can prevent my enemies from using the guns of my fallen Mooks in battle.  
If I hear the Hero's theme music, and it's not a Dark Reprise, I will not keep fighting. I will get the hell away, because the Narrative Gods have decided against me.  
I will not form a settlement atop a Hell Gate if the only way to appease said Hell Gate is to periodically force twins to murder each other. Someone will inevitably try to escape and send everything on a merry path to Hell.  
If for any insane reason, I plan to stage a dramatic appearance and defeat a Humongous Mecha, I will make sure I (and only I) can actually beat it first and that the AI won't immediately regard me as a threat and curb stomp me. Or better yet, kill that pesky AI altogether and hand control of the mecha over to a competent mook stationed far, far away from the action.  
Absolutely none of this applies if I am the "villain" of Civilization or Empire Earth. I can be as brutal as I want, and as long as I'm a competent leader who can keep my empire moderately happy I can be as brutal and genocidal as I see fit. NOTE: Only applies if I am facing enemies I would not normally see, for instance Americans as the leader of a tribe of Asians in the Stone Age..  
If I ever split my soul into multiple nearly-indestructible pieces to become unkillable, I will make one of those pieces a part of a deep space probe, one of them a random miscellaneous object of absolutely no significance, and one of them the gravestone of The Hero's parents (heroes are always orphans, right?).  
I will not pull the plug on a group of genetically-engineered super-soldiers just because the first one turned out smarter than I expected, especially if it means killing a batch that's already half-finished. The prototype likely won't appereciate me scrapping his bretheren just because I got cold feet, will inevitably find out (some idiot always talks), and could express his displeasure in some VERY counterproductive ways.  
If The Hero is ever dangling off the edge of some edifice over a pit of death or something similar, I will not waste time trying to stomp on his/her hands. I will shoot them. Better yet, I will shoot HIM.  
None of my Mooks will be wearing opaque helmets in my presence. I will not hire a Mook that hides his/her face. Any Mook that refuses to take off their helmet will be shot immediately.  
If I find myself in the situation of Rule 174, I will let the Hero rescue me. But then I will consider Rule 68 before following up according to Rule 174.  
Whenever I use magic, I will ensure that destroying the source of it will not completely reverse its effects, and that only an opposite spell will undo the previous one.  
All jails and prisons will have maximum security, with every inmate locked alone in their own cells (almost) all the time.  
Any prisoner who is a skilled martial artist or possesses superpowers will be physically restrained as much as possible.  
If I find myself attempting to conquer an insignificant blue planet, my first thoughts are not going to be firebomb the surface or send masses of mooks to harm the population; that is just asking for a team of pesky heroes to fight back. Instead, I will communicate with the leaders of this little world and see whether I can assimilate them into my empire peacefully. If it doesn't work, then I break out the army.  
While launching all my forces at a 'defenseless' planet can be an effective means of conquering it, it can leave the inhabitants resorting to more drastic measures. Hence, if I am expanding my empire and come across a new inhabited planet, I will deploy small scale skirmishes to test the local defences, while simultaneously learning about the planet's culture and philosophies. I will also ensure that my navy is outfitted with defenses against potential weapons the natives may use against me.  
If the heroes command the power of the natural elements, I will devise an armor immune or resistant to those elements or be capable of absorbing the power for my own use. If said armor drains the power of the heroes in the process, even better. I will also ensure that I am the only one who can wear the armor, and that it won't self-destruct if it absorbs an excess of energy.  
If my minions are convicted criminals or prisoners, I will not free them all simultaneously to take out the heroes. Instead, I will see if the job can't be done with a simple sniper, and if not I will release the prisoners one at a time from the least likely to attack me to the most likely.  
If I end up kidnapped by pirates who hold me to ransom, and the pirates end up kidnapping the hero(es) as well, I will work together with them to escape captivity. I will not at any point attack them, except in self defense, in order to keep up the pretense of the Enemy Mine. Once I am free, I will make an example of the pirates from the comfort of my Fortress of Doom, before I carry on with my evil plans.  
If I invite the hero to dinner, I will not attempt to kill them with poisoned food, drink or any other methods that could potentially be used against me. Instead, a trained (and loyal) sniper will have their crosshairs on the hero at all times; so if the need arises, they can be eliminated efficiently. After all, I invited the hero to dinner for a reason. If I wanted to kill them, they wouldn't have made the courtyard.  
If I serve a God in a realm with multiple Gods and multiple alignments, my efforts will go towards advancing my Lord's plans and goals. If this means aiding the other Gods with their insignificant problems, but an outcome from it could benefit my own interests, I will help them. Doubly so if the aid undermines another God's agenda. It will also mean they owe me a favor, which can be very beneficial when my Lord enacts his plan.  
I will never require any teenager within the borders of my empire to choose a single faction to devote themselves to for the rest of their natural existence. Furthermore, since the risks always have a nasty tendency to outweigh the rewards (and it rarely ends well), there will not be any such factions in the first place. (Of course, there are other ways to find out what drives them.)  
I will always make sure my Legions of Terror have plentiful supplies of winter uniforms.  
Unless it is an absolute last resort, I will not hide out in my grandmother's basement. Eventually I'll have to go to the bathroom, and chances are the old bint will find out and rat me out to The Hero's pals.  
If I have a project to create a defense system that makes defending my invaded territory/colony easier, I will treat the workers well and give them their well-deserved occasional vacations, food and wages. This may cost more, but this will save me the even larger cost of being labeled as an evil tyrant and given a Historical Villain Upgrade in the future.  
My mooks will learn how to fight in large groups to further reduce the chance of being affected by the Conservation of Ninjutsu.  
My Legions of Terror will never wear name tags. What was it you said about tattoos again?  
I will imprison any Fanboys and Fangirls because they often cause problems.  
If I ever get into a debate with the hero, I will assume that the hero is a skilled debater and I should treat him as such. Avoid using fallacious arguments and do not be afraid to point out and explain the fallacy (especially Ad hominem and Poisoning the well fallacies).  
It might not even be a good idea to usurp the throne of my noble half-brother (see original Rule #3). If one of my trusted advisers or lieutenants suddenly informs me it’s a mad scheme… they can probably find far better uses for an iron mask. Besides, I might actually need his help later on.  
When punishing my minions, I will not kill them (with the expectation of a heel-face turn) or spam the agony beam as they tend to lower morale and cause Mistreatment-Induced Betrayals.  
Continuing Rule #2 if the heroes have a Team Pet that is small enough to crawl through the ventilation ducts I will add surveillance cameras in the ducts.  
Going Go-Karting with The Hero and other assorted cast is always a good idea. Morale is boosted if the Evil Overlord is seen doing something actually human and having fun for once.  
The plexiglass to be used for the visors on my soldiers’ helmets (see Rule #1) will be anti-scratch and anti-glare. Something called Crizal, perhaps?  
I will keep a record of all previous structural renovations to all my buildings. If I acquire a new one and only if I plan on keeping it, I will have professionals and 5 year old kids scour every nick and crevice, just in case there's some secret passage or a basement that wasn't in the original plans.  
I will regularly train with an Old Master (or two) and make sure my Legions of Terror regularly train with a variety of Old Masters themselves. After all, how do you think they became Old Masters?  
I will not pass off my opponents as all Card Carrying Villains or otherwise Always Chaotic Evil. Instead, I will paint them as well-meaning but misguided. That's easier for the public to swallow, and harder for my opponents to disprove.  
I will simply push the hero into the shark pool instead of hanging him above it.  
Dating is a risky prospect. The song goes: “A pretty face can hide an evil mind.” Of course, there’s nothing at all wrong with The Hero dating.  
No matter how remote the possibility may be, I will always keep in mind the possibility of a god, gods or god-like entity existing and assisting the hero, a la The Odyssey.  
If the Hero is beginning a transformation sequence, I will either shoot the Hero as s/he is undergoing it or increase my weapon's power as it occurs, rather than merely standing and gawking at it.  
Alternatively, I would withdraw while he's distracted with said sequence. Eventually, he'll turn back into his normal form, convinced that the battle has ended. At which time I shall have him shot dead from sniper range while his transformation powers are on cooldown.  
If I threaten to destroy the beautiful princess's hometown/city/planet if she does not give up critical information, and this pressure results in her giving up said information, I will not destroy the hometown/city/planet anyway. I Gave My Word. Of course, this automatically invalidates if she gave me false info.  
I will not do Sex Slavery ever. Power Is Sexy; there are probably millions of women in my kingdom who will happily jump into bed with me.  
I WILL leverage any relationships the brooding Anti-Hero on the verge of a Face–Heel Turn is in to my advantage, especially if they are part of a monastic order that forbids romance/marriage.  
My base of operations will be a nondescript average-sized building with no visual displays of any sort. Rest assured, a legitimate business where you rent out your quarters will not hesitate to rat you out if The Hero and his pals come knocking.  
I will train My Dragon to snap me out of a temper tantrum.  
If through some method, I have obtained my second in command or other allies by manufacturing a tragedy that caused them to join me, I will never ever reveal to them that I was the one behind it, no matter how loyal I think they now are (See rule #189). That is just a free Heel–Face Turn waiting to happen  
I will never ever tell destructive weapons to converge on my position. This is particularly true if a) the units destroy based on certain criteria no matter what, or b) the units are just forces of destruction that destroy everything no matter what. Even if the hero is at my location, I will not say this: anything can happen in the time between my summons, and the time the units arrive. Circumstances may occur such that I, or something in/on/around me that I don't know about/can't immediately remove/can't reach, wind up fitting the profile of my weapons' target, and if I state my position, I've guaranteed that my own weapons will chase me down wherever I go. Instead I will summon them to a fixed position that I know I can flee in an emergency, that isn't dependent on where I am.  
My planetary-destruction weapon can be tested just as well by firing it at a desolated, uninhabited planet.  
If La Résistance is on the verge of overthrowing me, I will not break out the nukes/planetary bombardment/Death Stars/whathaveyou. Chances are, if they've gotten that far, the populace probably supports them and breaking out the aforementioned weapons would only increase that support. I will instead try to negotiate a deal whereby I am allowed to live in relatively affluent exile, or just flee the kingdom.  
I will NEVER personally supervise any high-profile construction, especially if it's for military purposes. I prefer NOT to give La Résistance excellent chances to kill me, thanks.  
I will not forbid any school, camp, campaign, or community organization under my jurisdiction to ever have a public show. Good PR is not always overrated.  
Under zero circumstances will I hotwire – or encourage anyone else to hotwire – any musical instrument for the express purpose of disposing of The Hero. Neither Murphy's Law nor Finagle's Law play favorites.  
I will ALWAYS have no less than 3 Outside Context Problems to get the call on speed dial whenever necessary.  
If the hero has a very strong compulsion to never take a life, then I will take full advantage of it. Though of course, you never know when a semi-pacifist hero will snap and make an exception for me.  
Considering how it usually turns out, I will not waste any time when I encounter the hero. I will immediately try to kill him on sight without delay; I will not take him prisoner, nor have any conversation, nor will I use any slow means of killing him.  
If I ever decide that retreat is a good option, I will attempt to salvage as many high ranking officials and appropriate mook squadrons with me. This ensures that I will not look like a jerkass to my minions and that I might legitimately care about their well being. Boosts morale, even while we're all running away.  
Related to Rule 44: Before hiring any Bounty Hunters, I will make absolutely sure that no one within in my own ranks has the skills to carry out the same task. Hired Guns run the risk of being paid to turn against me if The Hero can offer them more money than I can.  
An accountant and / or purser is never a bad idea.  
Instead of attempting to take over the world starting with highly developed countries, I will start my world conquest in Southern Asia and Africa (or whatever Universe I happen to be stuck in's equivalent to a third-world country)  
I will consider all rules and vows carefully, but will treat them only as guidelines, not absolute laws. If fiction has taught me anything, an inflexible evil overlord is a dead evil overlord.  
I will never wear a cape. If I do decide to wear a cape, it will be tied on in such a way that it comes off when pulled. This will allow me to look cool without worrying about it being used to catch me or strangle me. Heck, it might even distract the hero when he pulls on my cape while I escape and he is left with the cape.  
I will avoid wearing a mask if at all feasible unless it makes me more powerful or if I need to hide my identity. I may also wear a mask to conceal my disfigurement. However, I will do this only if it is a legitimately gruesome disfigurement, and not just a few scratches on one cheek.  
If I need to hide my identity with a mask, then that mask will, through either technology or magic (or both), at the very least change my voice. Other functions should include a breath mask and protection from bullets.  
If I must wear a mask, I will try to make it something that is not sinister in some manner. Things such as skulls, demons, etc. tend to unsettle subordinates, lower morale and make myself a more obvious target for assassination attempts. If I must wear such a mask for whatever reason I will require all my minions to wear the same mask to confuse said possible assassin.  
No leather dress/catsuits with an insane amount of cleavage. It will confuse the hero if the villainess is demurely dressed. If she really wants to dress like that, fine, but I'll advise against it.  
I will design the most Stripperiffic costume possible, and give it to my lowest ranked minions. Increases in rank will bring attendant changes in uniform to something less revealing and more practical. In addition to screwing with the hero's expectations, this will give the minions something to work for, and it's good to have ambitious minions.  
Whist on the subject of my appearance, I will not look like Cesare from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. It never helps.  
If I ever find myself in a situation where I'm likely to cross the Moral Event Horizon, I will ensure that there are no witnesses or recordings of my involvement. My publicity ratings are important, and if I lose the support of my audience, I'm screwed.  
I will carefully observe the workings of the world and determine its position on the Sliding Scale of Idealism vs. Cynicism. That way, I will know how far I can go with my evil plots before losing the sympathy of the fanbase.  
If it is necessary to deal with an enemy, PR be damned, but first, I will consult my advisers to make sure that it is necessary. It's important to keep both mine and my enemy's abilities in perspective.  
No matter how tempting, I will not employ time-travel in any of my evil schemes. It always ends poorly. Or begins poorly. It's hard to tell with time-travel.  
If I DO have to time travel, and the time machine itself must remain in the present, I will not leave the device where the rebels can capture it, and use it to send back in time the man who will not only thwart my scheme, but also father the current rebel leader.  
If Future Me shows up and tries to convince me that I need to go time traveling with him in order to save the universe from a monster who is Eviler Than Me, then I will shoot him. If he really was me from the future then he would have known better than to try to reason with a super villain.  
If I need Past Me to go time traveling with me in order to save the universe from a monster who is Eviler Than Us, then I will bring a tranquilizer gun.  
If I obtain access to a Time Travel Machine, I will just cut out the Hero entirely, go further into the past and set up a tidy little Kingdom using my Sufficiently Advanced technology. The mudgrubbing peons will grovel, I will usher in a new age of prosperity with my Evil Science/Magic, and most importantly, prove to be an inspiration to my subjectively Past Self (to whom I will will the whole of my vast fortune). And I'll still bring the Tranquilizer Gun, just to be safe.  
If Finagle's Law has made an appearance at any point, then should I come across a time machine, I will torch it immediately and the author be damned.  
If I have already taken over the world, I will start a plan of economic improvement in the area likely to be the Hero's base. Important parts of the plan will include buying up old warehouses (and using or demolishing them) and increasing the number of cool-but-time-consuming jobs available for unskilled labor.  
If a previously powerless hero has started glowing brightly and exhibiting god-like powers, for fuck's sake I mustn't shoot them. Instead, I will say they have shown me the true power of good, that evil is flawed and weak, and that I shall change my kingdom. When they have stopped glowing (as these things tend to be short lived), then I'll shoot them.  
If I absolutely, positively, pathologically must taunt the hero with my plan, I will first have a qualified Doctor cut his spinal cord. You don't see too many quadriplegic protagonists.  
Alternatively, I will do the spinal cutting myself. If I screw up, literally what is the worst that could happen?  
Should my enemy use some powerful war machines usable by any child, I'll covertly recruit teen fans of relevant simulators in appropriate numbers, promising them a chance to pilot the real thing.  
I will never create an army of clones.  
I will never clone myself to have a backup body.  
If I do clone myself to have a backup body, I will keep the clone in stasis until needed. I will also perfect a foolproof method of transferring my consciousness between clone bodies, because the point here is for me to conquer the world. My identical twin doing it just isn't the same.  
If I do build an Amusement Park Of Doom, I won't go the tired old deathtrap-roller-coaster route. It's too obvious, and cost-ineffective. Instead, I'll just overcharge for beverages, and never let the hero realize they're financially supporting my evil schemes.  
To be truly evil, I'll make the beverages free. Then I'll install overpriced pay toilets.  
Alternatively, the drinks are free but laced with slow-acting poison to which only I (supposedly) have the cure. I will use this as leverage to force the heroes to get me a MacGuffin, at which point I will break tradition and actually give the hero the cure I promised. However, the 'cure' I give will actually be a fast-acting poison that kills him in half an hour.  
If I ever feel the need to slow down the hero's progress by placing doors that can only be opened once he has a certain number of Plot Coupons, I won't bother creating a large number of such doors requiring an increasing number of items. Instead there will be a single door, right at the beginning, that cannot be opened until the hero has all of them. Needless to say, all plot coupons will be on the other side of the door.  
I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/password/fingerprint scanner is not enough, then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere, but that anyone authorized to pass will know.  
The password will not be "Swordfish". It will be a random series of letters, numbers, and even punctuation. Nobody ever thinks of punctuation. If I can't be bothered to spend 10 minutes memorizing a random-looking password that leads to everything important to my Evil Plan, I don't deserve to be Evil Overlord.  
The password will always be something referencing pop culture. Let's see how the hero born in the same year as me is surprised when he can't figure out that the password is 8675309!  
If at all possible, I will make a voice recognition system that it can detect, without fail, who is stating the password. If the person stating the password is not recognized in the databanks, they will be asked to repeat it, in case it does fail to recognize someone. If they fail to be recognized again, they will be shot with a tranq, and an APB will be put out to my security team. If it turns out it was someone whose voice WAS in the databanks, the Dev team will restart it immediately or be fired. Or shot, if I'm feeling angry that particular day.  
I will always keep in mind that nothing slows down the hero's progress quite like being dead, and remind myself not to settle for second best.  
If I am ever so bored as to feel the need to destroy a planet for my own amusement, I will blow up an uninhabited gas giant, rather than an insignificant blue planet with a population that might include potential heroes. Besides, gas giants blow up with satisfyingly dramatic explosions; they're more fun anyway.  
I may have a Fu Manchu mustache, but only if I am either a: Genre Savvy or b: extremely campy. And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be both.  
I will follow the example of the original literary Fu Manchu and wear a false moustache or other obvious identifying feature while in public, thus making both anonymity and disguise easier.  
I will never execute one of my generals for failing to win a single battle despite his best efforts. After all, people make mistakes, and if he didn't consistently deliver results, I wouldn't have promoted him in the first place.  
The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join. I may possibly even issue a warning not to let it happen again. I will be judicious with that one, but it does inspire loyalty.  
Should a messenger catch me and my evil consort in flagrante delicto, I will not remain in bed while listening to the message. I will instead excuse myself, put on a dressing gown, and go into the next room to hear what he has to say. If it's important enough for him to ignore the "Do Not Disturb" sign, I should probably be giving it my full attention.  
If the messenger's eyes wander too much, or if the message isn't important, he's fired, and should thank me for not killing him. Anyone who plans on taking a messenger job should be warned about interrupting my "private time" right off the bat, and they damn well better not forget.  
If I find the messenger in question attractive, (my current lover permitting) I may take wandering eyes to imply interest and invite them to join us. Later, after I've dealt with whatever the message was about.  
If the hero's father is no longer alive, I will use every bit of misinformation possible to make him believe that I am his real father. I will then drop hints that suggest that I am not beyond redemption. During an appropriate moment, I will pretend to return to goodness, and, while we embrace in a reconciliatory father-son moment, I will stab him in the back. Sucker.  
In a similar vein, if I am an actual member of the hero's family, I will also suggest that I am not beyond redemption. However, I will ensure that our relationship is common knowledge. This ensures that not only is the hero surely aware of it, but it also ruins his street cred. After all, who wants to be known as the nephew of the guy who killed 10,000 people because he was bored? When the moment to fake a return to goodness arises, I will insist on hugging my beloved nephew/cousin/son/whatever. At that point I will stab him in the back. Sucker.  
If I form a cult, it will be entirely made up just to rob people of money. There will be no supernatural elements, as that would just mean the spirit/god/demon/mystic phlebotinum/etc. would backfire on me eventually. Also, it just makes me sound silly.  
If I am a god or if I need believers in order to become one, I will make the cult as benign and agreeable as possible.  
If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to fight all of them in a sequence. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously. Or better, I will merge them into an Eldritch Abomination with no capabilities for thinking of a) superiority b) attacking me, or c) going insane and destroying everything.  
If I can create multiple copies of boss monsters, I will have them all fight the hero at once in the first place, and not wait for him to reach my stronghold, with all of those upgraded weapons and learned skills.  
As soon as I hear of a hero, I, in my most powerful form, along with all of the copies of all my boss monsters, will attack right then. Preferably at night when the hero is asleep.  
When I create a devastatingly powerful robotic or genetically engineered minion with only one elemental weakness, I will make absolutely certain that none of my other minions are carrying an easily stolen weapon designed to strike that weakness.  
Alternatively, it just won't have an elemental weakness. Seriously, how hard is it to fix such a glaring design flaw?  
If there is a literal Idiot Ball in my world, I will pretend it's my one weakness. Of course being an idiot is a weakness, but the heroes will carry it around this way.  
I will only select targets who are considerably more villainous or corrupt than I am. This lets me battle a variety of Acceptable Targets and Always Chaotic Evil monsters while still allowing me to get my therapeutic Evil Overlord kicks.  
I will either uphold somewhat idealistic enough tendencies to be considered the hero of the situation, or be extremely funny and sexy.  
I shall select only sympathetic, funny, and genuinely likable individuals for my lieutenants and trusted underlings. And I will at least try not to kill them.  
I will teach the hero and then turn him over to my side when he's smart. But not too smart. None of those overthrowing the overlord things here.  
I will be Genre Blind and Genre Savvy at the same time to throw off my enemies. For example, I'll allow my fortress to turn to rubble only to evacuate to a bigger, sturdier fortress than won't fall down the next time I'm defeated.  
There is no such thing as a fair fight. If I come across my nemesis while he is disarmed, then that is his problem, not mine.  
It is always polite to bow to your opponent. It is also very stupid as it leaves you open for attack. I will exploit this flaw as much as possible. Should I feel the need to bow to my opponent in return, I will bow at the waist to a minimal degree, ensuring that my eyes remain trained upon my opponent. The slightest movement while I am doing so will result in an automatic, preemptive attack on my part.  
I will not underestimate my enemies if they turn out to be little girls, even if they act sickeningly cute or just want to be friends. Hell, especially if they act sickeningly cute and just want to be friends. Such foes will be treated with the utmost care, from the utmost distance, and with the utmost destructive force, such as with a Kill Sat while they sleep. There are few things more damaging to an overlord's public image of fear and terror than getting beaten to a bloody pulp by prepubescent schoolgirls.  
I will not mess with evolution. It's really not worth the problems, and it never helps.  
I will actually read Machiavelli rather that counting on a soundbite. He said it's best to be both feared and loved if you can manage it.  
I will remember that philosophers such as Machiavelli offered very context-sensitive advice, and will endeavor to study these contexts thoroughly. I will NOT Quote Mine them for convenience.  
Sir Terry Pratchett is a wise man. I will study everything I can about Lord Vetinari. It may be better to be loved, or feared, but it is better to be permanent than either.  
If I want to kill some character who the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/their death, I will "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick and let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: A hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0.  
If it should come to pass that the hero is staring me down and he happens to know my evil plan for any reason, and he ever utters the immortal words "you'll never get away with this", I will not use the popular comeback "I already have" unless I am fairly certain that I actually have.  
My throne room will not feature a large hole into which I could fall, be thrown, or be pushed. However, other rooms in my lair will feature walkways above menacing vats of what appears to be bright green acid, into which I will jump or "accidentally" fall if I need to escape. These will actually contain water with green food coloring. These tanks will also have a fully ready scuba tank and breath mask located a few feet beneath the surface. Won't the heroes be surprised when I show up later, in perfect health (but with green skin)? After all, No One Could Survive That!. Suckers.  
Note: The vats will be tested on an hourly basis to confirm that some clever bastard has not gotten the bright idea to actually replace my beverage-escape-plan with actual acid.  
Additionally, if I should be dumb enough to use cloning (see #8 above), I will reserve a deceased and acid-destroyed clone of myself to float to the surface of the vats as "proof" of my demise. Fools!  
Anyone who uses the phrase "false sense of security" will be shot. If he's smart, the hero won't buy it anyway. If he's not, there are much more effective ways to kill him.  
When I've read the Evil Overlord List I will familiarize myself with any other similar lists. That way I'll know what I'm in for when I actually go up against competent opponents. If I discover any good advice in these lists then I will be sure to steal it so that I can make use of it myself.  
I will remember that very competent opponents will likely be doing the same thing in reverse.  
I will, however, note that not everyone goes into fiction that well and be ready to deal with Genre Blind idiots.  
If the magical ritual I am performing requires a Virgin Sacrifice, using the hero's girlfriend is just asking for trouble. To be on the safe side, I'll find a small child who is an orphan, whom no one cares about. And they will be kidnapped only when absolutely everything else is ready, to ensure a quick success.  
If virginity is really that important, I will select a homely child and carefully screen the minions responsible for the abduction so as to eliminate any with a known attraction to the child's gender or age.  
If I am concerned over my approval ratings, want to avoid doing something that'll ensure my Karmic Death or am simply not evil enough, then I'll ask for a volunteer and/or find a loophole that will allow a resurrection.  
I will always check the bare requirements for a Virgin Sacrifice, if possible I will use a eunuch cult member volunteer from my own cult or similar.  
I shall maintain numerous orphanages under my control. While I will make certain that the businesses themselves cannot be associated with me, I will publicly donate heaping gobs of money to them on a regular basis. This has the added benefit of letting me launder funds and get a tax break in the process. On the rare occasion I need a child I will publicly adopt them, only to have them die in a "tragic accident" shortly before the sacrifice. Another additional benefit: no one wants to kick a parent mourning the recent loss of their child and any hero who does so will look very bad.  
If I do go the route of sacrificing adopted orphans, I will ensure that not all of the children I adopt die in "tragic accidents," and that I'm not the only one whose foster children have a tendency to die in such 'unforeseen' accidents. The point here is to cover up that I'm sacrificing children, after all, and if my foster children always die, people are at least going to start wondering why I'm still allowed to adopt. I will also change up my cover stories a bit and have at least some of them "run away" and turn up dead some time later.  
If the requirements do not specifically say Human Virgin Sacrifice, I will get either the ugliest animal I can find, or use an animal destined for food. And hold a luau after the ceremony.  
Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. A small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly will not cost much more, but will buy loyalty.  
If I ever come to power in a nation that uses slavery, I will first abolish it. Next I will secretly stir up resentment against the former slave population to reduce their employment opportunities. Finally, I will offer the former slaves positions in my military, all the while getting good publicity among other nations who love how I dealt with the horrible slavery problem. This ensures loyalty in the military and a positive place in history even if the heroes take me down.  
My slavery will be more like a regular job. The worker slaves will get food, water, respect, and rest. But no breaks. And no vacations. Except holidays. Harem slaves will be given the most elegant (and sexy) clothes and jewels and beautiful rooms to sleep in.  
Never use a prototype unless the real version is ready for mass production. It will only get stolen by the Hero.  
I will not cut corners in the mass produced models to reduce costs.  
I will not allow any cells in my Prison of Doom to be furnished with bedsheets. Captives will be given tear-resistant sleeping bags instead. Good luck tying those together in the few hours between their evening and morning inspections for damage.  
No matter what its detrimental effects may be on my war machine, I will be eco-friendly. Killing the planet never ends well. I may awaken ancient nature spirits who give the hero power, or set all the animals in the forest after my blood, or simply have Mother Earth all up in my grille faster than you can say "gas-guzzling SUV", and no-one wants that. Instead, not only will I be environmentally friendly, I will actively seek out and befriend said nature spirits and animals, and send them after the hero.  
If I discover a species of Proud Warrior Race Guys threatened by extinction, I will not wipe out what's left of them in order to gain access to their technology and weapons. This would just prompt a lone survivor to swear vengeance against me. Instead, I will help them unconditionally in the hopes that they will swear undying loyalty to me. If they repay this calculated kindness by proclaiming me a weakling and declaring war on me, then I will show them that I am stronger and more ruthless than they are. If they still refuse to follow me then I'll subjugate them with force or wipe them out. At this point it's okay to do so, because they've proven to be Always Chaotic Evil, and no one ever really cares about those.  
My henchmen will work in groups of three or five, never four.  
I will mandate that all groups for all purposes be of either three or five. Including all groups that fight monsters in the name of some other empire. For exactly the same reason.  
I will publicly decree that any group of four in my empire will be punished by death or imprisonment, depending on my mood that day. (I will make only token attempts to enforce this law, just enough that it remains public knowledge.) The Hero will instantly assume I have some kind of Weaksauce Weakness to the number and deliberately form a four-man party. At worst, this will set him apart as a potential enemy.  
I will fulfill my end of all contracts, in full, as soon as promised. Even though it might be fun to alter deals halfway through, that's just begging the other party to perform a Heel–Face Turn. And I will not quibble about Exact Words either, unless they're playing the wise guy.  
I will never promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-making point of the deal.)  
If I am in a heavily idealistic series/movies/whatever and the heroes suddenly start forming a circle and singing, I will order my troops to retreat immediately. I will then use the time they're singing to put the snipers in place (preferably robot snipers immune to The Power of Friendship).  
When naming my children I'll pay close attention to the meaning of the name. I wouldn't want to give them a positive prophetic name and having them end up helping to defeat me. Neither should I name them after anyone who betrayed or killed either/both of their parents. Mordred? Bad idea.  
If my significant other insists on Theme Naming, I'll make sure all the children are included in the theme.  
If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will not decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them.  
I will also consider seducing the lieutenant into turning evil himself, so that I can quit with the "I'm really good" act. If this fails, I will just kill the lieutenant — having to lie to your trusted underlings sorta undercuts the whole point of them being trusted in the first place.  
I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for doing highly generous, festive and visible acts in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.  
I will encourage people to celebrate pseudo-holidays such as Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Hero Appreciation Day... okay, well, maybe not that last one, but having the populace bicker over which holidays are better than which other holidays is more helpful to me than seeing them organize themselves over complete repression of said holidays.  
If I feel the need to rig an election, I will not rig the election such that I will win everything, everywhere, with everyone loving me. I will instead rig it so that I win by a plausible, but not overwhelming, margin. I want my enemies to have the small bit of hope that they can oust me in an election and focus on doing that rather then killing me.  
I will make use of secret ballots and rig the statistics so that the heroes try to start a rebellion in the one place that my popularity is assured. It'll be amusing to watch the heroes outrun a lynch mob, and even if they don't the statistical weirdness should give the conspiracy nuts loyal to me something to play with.  
Any goggles used in my complex WILL be fully functional.  
If I absolutely, positively, undeniably MUST have a self destruct system aboard my ship, I will ensure that whoever activates will be killed when they do so. If no-one is willing to die to destroy the ship, self-destruction isn't really necessary.  
There are only two detonation triggers: My personal escape pod and the aforementioned button. In case my personal escape pod is boarded by the heroes, I will have a third detonation trigger for the escape pod given to my most trusted lieutenant. And even that will only work after I'm already dead, so no assassination attempts.  
I will hire sane scientists to balance the work of my Mad Scientists, and my scientists in general will be punished for abusive behavior.  
My mad scientists will be instructed to keep detailed notes, reports, and day books, which will be regularly backed up. Multiple backups will be stored at various locations around my sphere of influence, in every format from dead tree to external hard drives.  
I will leave backup plans on a table when no one is around. And by "backup" I mean "decoy that will fool the heroes into playing along with my evil plans."  
All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately.  
If at all feasible, I will have Doomsday Device Version 0.9 started up five minutes after Doomsday Device Version 1.0. Because they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the heroes somehow manage to stop me at the last second. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Version 1.0 as my backup. Or evenbetter, I will just use all three started chronologically from oldest to newest.  
My base of operations will not have a website. The only computers in my base with Internet access will be on a completely separate network to the main ones, and will not be 'net compatible.  
I will task my mad scientists with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking. If there will be no way to find finances for such, I will at least use an obscure and archaic OS, preferably not binary compatible.  
Considering the number of rules dealing with mad scientists, before I even begin the very first act toward world conquest/whatever else I may want, if at all possible, or at least if convenient at the time, I will become a mad scientist myself so I don't have to worry about so many damn problems about the freelance variety and their daughters.  
I will make sure I am one of the 1,000 smartest people on the planet before I feel comfortable regularly employing the Batman Gambit in my schemes.  
My robots will be intelligent enough to point out flaws in my plans, fall back if an operation becomes impossible, and improvise new plans on the fly. Their programming will specifically forbid acting against me, valuing their own lives above the mission, and any philosophical thought.  
Every robot in my domain must abide by my Three Laws of Evil Robotics: 1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm. 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.  
In the event that, as suggested in previous guidelines, I am offered any wishes from a genie or other wish-granting figure, I will, after taking necessary precautions, wish for the First Law of Evil Robotics: "I wish for the power to grant my own wishes, with every wish I make following the spirit of the wish as I intend it at the time I make the wish, including this wish."  
If I am immune to the hero's attacks, I will make sure that I am also immune to my own. If I cannot ensure this, I will avoid using any attack that could possibly be redirected to hit me.  
As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent Evil Overlord is indistinguishable from an extremely competent Benevolent Ruler. This also applies in reverse.  
I will never, I repeat NEVER, use an online list of "Evil Overlord Rules", "Advice for Villains" or any other such variation. A geeky Badass Normal will read it, realise that I'm using it and promptly inform the hero, allowing them to either know my plans in advance, or even worse consult a similar "Vows for Heroes" list and ensure I'm destroyed rather than severely weakened or sealed away.  
When I read Evil Overlord lists online, I will remember that not every piece of advice is a good one. Circumstance Savviness is even more important than Genre Savviness.  
Defensive systems can be fail-dead (like explode if defeated). Defensive systems MUST be fail-safe (at least for me: local explosion only and only when I'm sufficiently far away).  
If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important.  
I will assume that all of my enemies are not left handed, and plan accordingly.  
I will find out where Doctor Doom orders his Doombots and stock up. You never know when you'll need a robot stand-in to take a missile or ten.  
If I find out about an evil being with power greater than my own, I will not attempt to take its power for myself. I will instead make sure the heroes find out about it, and I will do anything I can to help the heroes defeat my rival, short of actually joining the party. Then, when the heroes have defeated this being, the moment I can be sure the coast is clear, I will kill the heroes before they have a chance to recover, in the quickest manner possible. Once that's taken care of, if it is still possible to absorb the super being's power, and if I can be sure it won't take over my body, kill me, or drive me any more insane, I will do so.  
The front door of my fortress (or any other building I need guarded) will have three guards—one standing on each side, and one hiding within visible range whose sole job is to send out an alert if anything happens to the first two (or if they even just have to leave the post for something). Resources permitting, all doors worth guarding will have three guards.  
I will get one of my most loyal followers to disguise as an oracle of some sort and create (or modify, if need be) a prophecy regarding my downfall. Not only will it be a completely useless way to approach me, I'll know what the good guys will be attempting and can thus plan accordingly.  
I will hire an adviser whose sole job will be to criticize my plans and point out their flaws. I will listen to him.  
I will make my Doomsday Device look like a stuffed animal. Not only will nobody try to stop me from holding my stuffed bear, but should I be stopped it will be given to a hero's child, who will then hug it and cause The End of the World as We Know It.  
Before teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy, I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are morally repugnant, or his means are idiotic, then I'll just sic the good guys on him.  
If I must team up with the heroes to defeat a greater threat, I won't attempt to backstab them during the battle. Instead, I will fake a change of heart and earn the trust of the good guys, in order to discover their secret weaknesses and destroy them from within.  
I will keep a pet dog, not a cat. Dogs are better for PR, more affectionate, and more easily trained to attack.  
I will do the whole "This Cannot Be!" after the heroes have defeated my penultimate boss form. That way, when I sprout a wing or grow really long hair, they will be completely unprepared for my next attack.  
If the heroes have the ability to "save" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them.  
I will drive a car of the same make as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those.  
I will remember that Ominous Latin Chanting is never obsolete, no matter the setting or era.  
Instead of killing minions when they're so successful I don't have anything left for them to do, I will either give them some vacation time or come up with some busy work for them, and call on them again later. After all, I know these guys can get results, so why not keep 'em around a bit?  
If my Second-in-Command asks me: "Why don't you just kill everything?" then it's probably a good idea to start searching for a new Second-in-Command.  
Not only will I not build man-sized ventilation shafts, I will not build any ledges, back corridors, ladders, or anything else that serves no obvious structural, artistic, or architectural purpose, and seems solely to exist to give the heroes an (alternate) path.  
I will always send my Amazon Brigade to defeat male enemies. I will make sure they are Happily Married, to ensure they won't fall in love with them in the case they are defeated by them.  
All shipments will be viewed by someone with X-Ray Vision before being let in my base.  
Vampires will not be placed in positions of power. Minions who die if they go outside during the day are pretty useless. Also, I can do quite well without all that Wangst, thank you very much.  
I will execute any vampires that are capable of sparkling on the spot, period. After all, Even Evil Has Standards.  
I will investigate all vampires capable of wielding Solar-Powered weaponry.  
I will consider novel methods of disposal of vampires or similar creatures, just in case one or more of my enemies happen to be them. Sunlight and silver are fine, but I doubt medieval peasants ever had the chance to test vampiric response to disintegrators.  
My jail cells will be sealed by thick reinforced metal bars, not energy fields that can be deactivated by pulling the plug. If I do have access to energy field cells, I'll just make sure they have metal bars as a backup containment method.  
If three heroes have been making my life hell at the same time, showing three different personas and sets of powers, I will check the timing exactly to see if it's possible for a single organism to have done it all, to prevent any rather depressing reveals.  
My space stations and orbiting weapons will be assembled in space and will not be equipped with heat shields. That way, if the hero attempts a Colony Drop on my planet-side base, the satellites will burn up in the atmosphere long before they hit my base. They will not carry enough fuel to move out of orbit either.  
If I send multiple bounty hunters after the hero, I will offer to pay them each the full value of the bounty if they bring the target in together. That way, they are dertered from competing with each other.  
I will study chess. I will get good at it. To be on the safe side, I will also have at least a working knowledge of Twister, Battleship, Catan, and other contemporary games.  
I will remember that in a pinch a game of chess can be won by using the board to knock your opponent unconscious. I will apply that principle to my strategy when appropriate.  
I will use lie detectors during interrogation. But only if I have access to magical and/or futuristic lie detectors that actually work. There's a reason why polygraph readings aren't admissible in court.  
I will not set my base to self-destruct upon my defeat; such sites are notoriously difficult and expensive to locate and build, and it's easier to just take it over again should it be captured. I will, however, set all my equipment to short out and set controllable fires to destroy any projects I am currently working on, to make sure my enemies don't get their hands on them after forcing me out of my lair. I will also make sure that all data and backups of such plans are saved in other locations, so I won't have to start from scratch with each defeat.  
If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will immediately start work on reusing the same plan. The odds of that trick working twice are a trillion to one. I will keep in mind that there are heroes who can succeed even if the chance of victory is zero percent.  
If I have the ability to teleport anywhere at will, I will wait until the hero is asleep, and then teleport right beside him and kill him.  
My lair in turn will be warded against both screening and teleportation. If possible, the screening ward will project realistic but entirely false images to distant observers and the teleportation ward will dispel buffs on all intruders before redirecting them into a suitable death trap.  
If I capture two of the hero's closest companions and force him to choose which one to save, I will not actually show him his two companions. Instead, I will disguise two of my henchmen as both of the hero's choices, so that when he inevitably saves them both, he'll be killed by the two henchmen he just "saved".  
If I employ a team of Muggle laborers to build some device that is crucial to my plans, I will have a reasonable idea of how long I can expect the job to take. If the foreman tells me it is impossible to finish within the specified time frame, I will adjust my plans accordingly. Having him killed will not make the work go any faster, and suspicious deaths will only attract the heroes to come investigate.  
A hero entered the realm bitter and alone. He met a love interest. She's beautiful. She's smart. She becomes his everything. She is his reason to fight me. If I ever capture both, for fuck's sake, I WILL NOT TOUCH HER IN FRONT OF THE HERO! Cuckolding a hero never works, and has only one possible outcome. Love, jealousy, revenge, and hatred make a very explosive mix.  
I will leave the operation of my Laser of Death, Doom, and Destruction to licensed professionals. There are good reasons why I hired all those scientists to build my big, dangerous, complex weapon. Mostly because it is big, dangerous, and complex.  
If the heroes have the power to undo some of my plans, I will just do them over and over again. It will keep them busy, and it will be a nice way to pass the time.  
If the hero begs me to stop my Evil Plan before it's too late, then I will listen to him and seriously consider the merits of his offer. Sure, Taking Over The World would be nice, but he might know something I don't.  
I will not make a Deal with the Devil. Ever. If I ever am in the position where Satan approaches me with an offer I think sounds good, then I will carefully review the chain of events which led me to that situation.  
If I am the Devil or otherwise a mystical creature who likes screwing people over with deals, I'll let someone insignificant "win" once in a blue moon. Maybe I'll pretend to lose, or maybe it'll just be a straight-up "honest" exchange. Then I'll make certain that word of this incident gets out. Why? Because it works for casinos and lotteries. Far more souls will be willing to risk it than if every deal I ever make goes sour.  
I will carefully watch for Genre Savviness in my minions. The ones who aren't are more likely to be incompetent, but the ones who are, are most likely looking to take my place.  
If I am immortal, then I have absolutely no excuse for not learning martial arts, sword fighting, and how to properly aim a gun.  
All minions will be taught how to deal with the Bare-Fisted Monk who relies on kung fu, karate, or similar. A good ol' fashioned grab-and-slam is unusually effective against them.  
I will not maintain Medieval Stasis when I come to power; I will encourage the march forward with technology. I will research Psychic Powers, Functional Magic, and Ki Manipulation to surprise any heroes with. Let's see them cope with an unexpected Genre Shift from High School Drama to Dungeon Punk!  
I will not wield any gun or sword in any combination as my primary weapon. My primary weapon will always be land mines. The gun/sword is a backup.  
As cool as it might seem to have the power to fly or shoot energy blasts out of my hands, given a choice, I will always spring for one or more of the following: immortality, invulnerability, regeneration, precognition, clairvoyance, or supergenius-level intelligence. If I'm really that concerned about it, I'll just use my superhuman intellect to build a jetpack and an energy rifle.  
I will not leave clues for the hero that will eventually lead to my demise. If I do, I will make sure they are false clues, to throw the hero off my trail. Said false clues will not be the exact opposite of what I want the hero to do.  
As an alternative measure for rule 88, I will send the same group that failed me again and again. Since they didn't die the first time, I'd rather have those incompetent fools suffer The Worf Effect instead of my more competent underlings.  
As wily old mentors are Walking the Earth everywhere these days, I will secure the services of some of the more morally ambiguous ones, so that my henchmen can endure Training from Hell and Take a Level in Badass. It works for the heroes all the time, so why not try it out?  
I will not brainwash any captured heroes into turning on their friends; they'll always break free in time to stop me. If I can catch any of them, I'm just going to shoot the guy and be content with one hero killed.  
Should my enemies live in an area I want to take over, I will take over every area the heroes do not live in first.  
I will subtly encourage my evil rivals to avail themselves of Rule 64. After all, a good psychiatrist will refuse to treat them, and if they go to an evil psychiatrist, they have handed a convenient master list of all their weaknesses and phobias to someone who will sell it to the highest bidder. As a corollary, I will bid high (keeping in mind the possibility that the evil psychiatrist may be planning a double-cross).  
If I hear about a prophecy or prophecies that state that a child will be born with a birthmark or some other sign who will bring about my downfall, I will not immediately send troops to kill the child and its entire family, as this always backfires. Instead, I will wait until the child is about five, while keeping it under surveillance, and then have it kidnapped and killed. Once this is done, I will bury the body in a careful location so the body does not get eaten by wild beasts, resurrected by the good guys, or washed up on some foreign shore. And for everyone's sake, I will make sure that the child is actually dead, instead of just stabbing it once or suffocating it. Bullets are very helpful, especially fifty-fold.  
If some extremely important and powerful foreigners come into my land/s, I will not threaten to take them hostage in my capital; instead, I will help them find and kill the person they were after. Especially if the person they were after is my enemy too. I will then ship them out of my lands ASAP. After all, "power" is only good when I have it.  
If I am aspiring to take over the world, or at least the known world, and I am informed that there is/are a person/s that can stop me if I do so, I will not kill the person who told me this and send out my entire force to kill the person/s. Instead, I will make sure that they cannot know about my plans and/or conquests until it is too late to stop me.  
I will have a staff of public servants who will behave as servants of the people; that is, be friendly and helpful. Also encourage idealistic people to work with the disadvantaged. Let them be known and liked among the population, so that they can hear any bit of gossip and learn ASAP whenever something unusual is happening. I would also encourage people talking in taverns and public places on all possible subjects, in front of public servants. This would save millions in local espionage salaries, and such spies tend to have an intimidating appearance which causes people around them to be quieter - exactly the opposite of what I am trying to accomplish.note  
If I can't replicate it, I can't fix it. If I can't fix it, I can't control it. If I can't control it, I will not use it.  
When designing my fortress/fort/castle, I will not choose a Gothic design on a mountaintop in brooding, dark stone with too many towers and the occasional eagle. And it won't be surrounded by lava. Instead, I will design it somewhat in the manner of Castle Floret: on a raised hill surrounded by a moat, with a big heavy drawbridge. Also, the castle will be designed for height rather than length, and I will place the prison/dungeons right at the top.  
If any of my towns/cities/fortresses are to be outfitted with big heavy walls, I will have them buttressed from both the outside and the inside, in order to prevent an inside job.  
I will not sexually harass the princess I've captured. When I am inevitably caught red handed by the hero, he'll just be that more pissed off because he hasn't got that far with her.  
When engaging in warfare with whatever army the hero has assembled, I will not attack his army directly, even when my army outnumbers his a million to one. It will almost always be defeated through luck, tactical brilliance on the hero's end, or incompetence in my own minions. Instead, I will target his ammunition dumps, food stores, fuel reserves, and medical supplies. Without these, he can't raise an army to fight me in the first place. Remember, amateurs study tactics; professionals study logistics.  
I will not take There Is No Such Thing as Notability for granted. Sure, the hero may never find a use for my fears and turn-ons, but why take that chance?  
If I am in charge of a nation/empire that shares its continent with many others, and I go to war with some of them, I will never, ever regard another nation as "useless" simply because they have no real army. Chances are, they're renowned for poisoning and assassins, and you can kill an enemy just as easily by poisoning him as you can by actual conflict.  
If I hear about any form of magical foods that can give the eater a special power, I will not.  
My execution chamber will contain a variety of complex Rube Goldberg Death Traps, with a substantial time delay from the moment the switch is thrown until the eventual horrible death, from which a victim of sufficient ingenuity might conceivably escape. Needless to say, these will never be used on any prisoner I seriously want dead; those get a single pistol-bullet to the brain. The Rube Goldberg devices will be used on condemned-but-unimportant criminals on my realm-wide reality TV show, Who Wants to Live? It's always a good idea to give your subjects Bread and Circuses. Surviving contestants will be offered recruitment in the Assassination Regiment of my Legions of Terror, or a single pistol-bullet to the brain.  
Honor is worth its weight in gold. A reputation for honor, on the other hand, might have some practical value. Therefore, I will never make a promise I might find it inconvenient to keep, except when breaking it is certain to result in the immediate death of all persons other than myself who know it was made.  
I will take acting lessons until I can perfect the role of a fawning, cringing, servile toady. My trusted lieutenant will be trained to strut around in black robes intoning things like "Seize them!" and "Evil will triumph!" in a booming and threatening voice. Thus if the hero is ever brought into my presence, my lieutenant and I will switch roles, just in case the hero has something up his sleeve despite being naked and shackled (they always do, you know). This will allow me to remain in the room and keep an eye on the situation while my lieutenant becomes the target of any possible attack. My lieutenant, just to keep him from getting above himself at that moment, will have a minibomb inserted into his heart, to which I will have the detonator in my pocket.  
My Legions of Terror will not march back and forth in front of my Fortress of Evil carrying long spears and wearing flashy uniforms. That role will be filled by expendable security guards (or even more expendable actors) hired from a private agency. My Legions of Terror will wear practical camouflage fatigues and be trained to lurk out of sight until needed.  
If a incompetent subordinate fails me, I will not execute him; that would give his friends and relations a grudge to nurse. Instead I will transfer him to some functionary position with no important responsibilities and no prospect of advancement. He will still be of some use to me but his incompetence will no longer be any major hindrance to my schemes, and everyone will praise my mercy.  
I will not try to discipline my beautiful daughter to rein in her dangerous carnal appetites. To the contrary, I will raise her to use and discard men like this week's hot fashion. That way, if she falls in love with the hero... well, that's what he thinks!  
I will never employ any Doomsday Device that is so destructive it would leave me with no world or subjects to rule over. I mean, if the world leaders can't or won't come up with the ransom, what options does such a device leave you?  
If I discover that the hero has an Orphan's Plot Trinket in his possession, I will not show up at his door dressed in spiky armor with a gang of mooks and demand he give me the White Magician Girl's necklace. Not only will he wipe out my squad, but he will then know that the trinket is important and will go to great lengths to keep it away from me. Instead, I will disguise myself as a merchant, and when he stops at my store to pick up the latest weapon, I will offer to buy his trinket from him for an exorbitant amount of money, or perhaps trade it for a component of the Infinity +1 Sword. Not only will it allay any suspicion, but if I get the necklace or whatever at the beginning of the quest, my plans will be complete before the good guys have any idea what happened. Besides, you can't get the Infinity +1 Sword until the very end anyway, and he won't make it that far.  
I will find the Bonus Boss, and do anything in my power to get it on my side. Even if the hero manages to defeat it, he'll be so weak afterward that I can kill him without any trouble.  
I will never keep the final room where I reside, with my hostage/artifact/escape point, guarded by a line of bosses ending in one big, almost undefeatable one. Chances are it will be defeated.  
I will create agencies staffed by experts and competent leaders to deal with any and all natural disasters, even if the chance of it occurring. I will supply these agencies with twice the funding and manpower they claim to require. They will be ready to act at a moment's notice and will have outposts loaded with supplies at all towns and cities of significant size, and will regularly drill the public on what to do in the event of a disaster. It will do me no good to crush my enemies if a freak act of nature brings my empire to its knees.  
Very often, the Chosen One has mentors who are... let's be charitable and call them dicks. They'll use their Omniscient Morality License to put the hero through hell, force them to make hard choices whether to defend the world or their families, and generally not be very truthful when it comes down with it. Should my spies report this is the case, I will pay for the hero's little brother's education, and keep his grandparents fed and healthy, and give his Ill Girl sister her operation. And there won't be any of those "mwahaha, but you have to do something evil first" deals. No, this will be be done with a smile.  
If I possess craft capable of taking cities off the map from orbit, I will not bother with a ground invasion but instead kill the hero and his hometown without him ever seeing me. The hero and his or her friends need never meet me or my Legions of Doom in person.  
Addendum to point 10 of the original list: if I possess a fleet of spacecraft, ocean-going vessels, or whatever, I will make sure that any captured heroes are brought not to my flagship, but to a small support ship (without the capacity to destroy my flagship).  
If the only thing that can kill my enemy is a silver bullet, I will make more than just ONE silver bullet.  
I will not give myself an absurdly specific name, but rather be known as "Mr. Guy, subjugator of places." My methods will remain unknown to all but my own minions.  
If the hero's sidekicks are all or mostly Yaoi Fangirls or Yuri Fanboys, I will use this to my advantage. If we are both highly attractive (and the hero is NEVER not), they will be too distracted by my innuendo-laden dialogue to even think about killing me off. As a nice bonus, the hero will likely be too confused to attack.  
If I for some reason decide to take my enemies alive, I will keep in mind modern prison standards when designing cells for my enemies. All cells will have modern concrete walls and floor, as throwing the hero in a decrepit and abandoned old part of the castle, with brickwork that could potentially be dug through, and leaving him to die unsupervised is right out. For important prisoners at least two guards will be posted outside the cell at all times and will have easy access to a button that will immediately kill the prisoner in case of prison riots, betrayals or attack by enemy ninjas. The cell block will also be kept under constant surveillance with hidden cameras, with the control room having remote triggers for all the "kill prisoner" buttons.  
When I achieve immortality, I will keep the fact a secret. Bragging about it just gives people the motivation to prove you wrong.  
If one of the villagers in my realm has a legitimate beef with a member of my Legion of Doom, I will deal with the matter in a fair and equitable manner. If they have no reason to be disgruntled with me or my Legion, they won't bother helping the hero when he comes around.  
I will keep my peasants in check by providing a wide variety of amusements and entertainments. They won't bother helping the hero if it means they might miss their stories.  
To all potential (heterosexual) MALE Evil Overlords: All my nefarious plans can wait until after my wife's birthday, daughter's wedding or any significant woman in my life's important events. Missing said event will likely cost me very dearly. Additionally, no event in the girl's life would be too insignificant, because honestly, who kills the evil overlord when he's having tea time with "Daddy's Little Princesses and her court of Cute Stuffed Animals"?  
I do not need to beat the hero myself. It will be made clear that killing the hero in battle will earn my minions a handsome pay bonus. Legion of Doom troops tend to respond to two things: kindness from superiors and greed. And I have just wrapped them both up in a bag of super motivation.  
When engaged in time travel, I will never ally myself with Those Wacky Nazis. It never helps, and brown is such an ugly color.  
I will not censor the Internet. Nothing pisses off kids more than not being able access Wikipedia and YouTube.  
Although I enjoy More Dakka and a wide selection of BFGs as much as anyone, and it does wonders for establishing my superiority over the hero's nation, once superiority has been achieved, I will withdraw all such weapons from service in my armies, as well as all armored vehicles and aircraft. My forces may question this decision, but when the hero begins his first mission and comes to the realization that he will never acquire a weapon more powerful than his starting pistol or enjoy a vehicle selection, he will resign in disgust and learn to live under my rule.  
Well before the date the prophecy declares the hero will be born on, I will head for my space station and have an asteroid (preferably one whose diameter is measured in the hundreds of miles) be dropped on the planet. I will then watch as the planet is quickly sterilized.  
I will not have anyone work on a project involving something that had killed their families or traumatized in any way without their explicit consent.  
I shall create fake building plans showing large fake airvents going into all my important structures. Every fake airvent path will eventually require the hero to drop straight down to another level of the vents. I will use a hologram to cover the fact that once someone drops to that level it narrows significantly. The hologram will also detect that it's been breached, close the lid back up and flood that section with regular anasthetic/deathgas/whatever. My real airvents will be small and built into the walls.  
I will read the Fake Difficulty and Unwinnable sections carefully and implement everything.  
Even if it grants me great power and freedom, I will not build or use a device that can digitize my brain and let me loose in cyberspace/transfer me to a robot.  
If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will not randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire.  
I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be thematically appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of fusion reactors or wind generators than to find another source of oil or coal.  
I will hire a team of crack forensic scientists and crime scene cleanup personnel to advise me on how to cover my tracks and plant convincingly fake evidence implicating someone else of my latest evil scheme.  
As part of my effort to stay an Equal Opportunity Evil Overlord, I will not be repulsed by or deny admittance into my squad for the unusual quirks or beliefs of potential henchmen/allies, no matter how socially/morally disturbing. However, unless they would prove useful in my latest scheme, I must insist that they practice said quirks/beliefs during their own free time and not on duty, and to be respectful of those of everyone else under my thrall. After all, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone I don't want hurt, I see no reason why my cannibalistic, necrophiliac Satan-worshiping underling can't brush up on his rituals of the flesh in his quarters, and it would be hypocritical and unbecoming of me to refuse him that privilege while I'm ensuring Fluffy the Terrible has his daily meal of fresh peasants.  
If I come into an incredible source of power or technology that can be internalized, I will not use it immediately to transform myself into a god. Instead, I will take it back to my lab and have it analyzed thoroughly for any potential harmful side effects that could jeopardize my sanity, health, or standing, then find countermeasures to them, if any. If it turns out I cannot counteract the negative side effects, or there are too many to counteract, I will destroy it immediately. Under no circumstance shall I leave it for my enemies to find; even if it takes out one or all of them with its corrupting influence, chances are they'll be able to use it to take me out, first.  
I will not be a Slave to PR; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses.  
Any giant robot I send after the heroes will have a giant red eye on the part of its body furthest from any kind of critical system.  
If I have a system of teleporters between my evil lairs, they will have surveillance systems. If someone unauthorised steps in them, they'll get a nice one way ticket to the surface of the sun.  
I will never try to steal the power of a god.  
I will never possess someone, especially not the hero's best friend. It always ends poorly.  
If I have the hero cornered, I will not hesitate to tell him or her the exact and complete details of my evil plan, up to and including pointing to a door behind which the most important and delicate part of my plan lies. Let's face it; with today's spy technology, computer hackers, and sneaky heroes, it's almost certain that they're going to be aware of the general gist of the situation. I will, however, neglect to tell them that the most important and delicate part of my plan includes the team of heroes vaporizing themselves when they try to turn off or destroy my "force field generator".  
All ceremonies celebrating my ascent to godhood, marriage to the brainwashed princess, or assumption of a powerful magical artifact will take place after I've actually done so. Preferably by several months.  
If my plans keep failing beyond my tolerance, I will cheat. Who says only the heroes can GameShark and Godmode their way past annoying obstacles?  
Most teenage heroes, no matter what they claim, (especially if Japanese) will follow the dictates of their family, school, and society. I am a villain. I can manipulate those dictates. Upon learning that a legendary band of teenagers can defeat me, I will make sure their parents suddenly get great paying jobs in other cities. Also, I will take full advantage of the apparent fact that teenage heroes find it mandatory to follow society and go their own ways after graduating High School. Again, I'll make sure they get jobs far, far away from each other and the original location so none of that pesky "mentor" business.  
On the off chance I find a good genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes. Before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him.  
If I find a truly evil genie (as opposed to a Literal Genie or one who is good but forced to obey), I will find a random cave with no Death Traps, put the lamp in it (on an altar so it looks important and can't be missed), and then bribe the local government to rename it "The Ancient Cave of Wonders". Make sure the heroes know about it and find it, and then just wait for my problems to solve themselves.  
In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended.  
I will politely ask the genie if I'm allowed to wish for more wishes. If the answer is no, I will wish for more genies.  
I will not leave keys, weapons and medical supplies lying around my base for the heroes to find and use. That's just stupid.  
If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team, in turn, will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest".  
If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint him as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a General Failure if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket.  
Especially if said minion is family. Nothing bonds a father and child better than a Take Your Child to Work Day where you both get to focus on all of the fun parts of being an Evil Overlord.  
I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my Quirky Miniboss Squad. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts The Power of Friendship on my side?  
I will encourage Minion Shipping, and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us The Power of Love, but it'll also keep me from even being tempted to try seducing the hero's significant other. After all, the Dark Action Girl has more to offer me, and trying to keep up with her is more fun anyhow.  
I will, however, remember that although eternal love and devotion are nice, they are not the same as eternal loyalty.  
Whenever possible, I should be in a position where I don't have to cover anything up, but if I absolutely have to kill someone in order to cover something up, then overkill is the way to go. So, Mister Great Detective, how do you plan to recover the briefcase from the embassy when it, your informant, the city the embassy was in, and vast areas of the surrounding landscape are all radioactive ash?  
If I need to thwart the hero's progress, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't tell they're thwarting his progress.  
If I am the ruler of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid certain mistakes common in fiction.  
I will remember that new media is not (inherently) evil.  
Also, I will keep a blog to share my personal opinions on matters. It's good for PR. What I post will not necessarily reflect what I actually think or feel on the subject, however.  
I will periodically send my assassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be convinced that they were killed for what they knew and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives my assassins something to do.  
I will double-check the tinfoil hat theories before killing the tinfoil hatter that came up with them. If it's not something I want people to believe, has nothing to do with me, or seems like something I might want to implement in the near future, the crazy guy gets hired. It's important to think outside the box.  
Explosive gas containers will be stored within metal cages as OSHA standards would require.  
I will not, however stress-relieving it is, practice my golf driving shot with puppies. This extends to all possible interpretations of the phrase. The puppies will not be the ball, the clubs, offering advice, or even present. Dogs are under no circumstances allowed on my fairways.  
If I am the most powerful being in the universe and am fighting the hero in personal combat, I will not hold back my true power or give him a handicap of any kind just to make things interesting.  
Satisfying as it may be to humiliate my enemies, I will not demand that they kneel at my feet. It always goes downhill from there.  
The Smash Mook and the Mighty Glacier will not be provided with melee weapons. They will take advantage of their strength by dual-wielding flamethrowers. Not the realistic kind, but the kind that fires in a wide cone. And they will only guard hallways. Dodge that, hero.  
I will observe the hero's habits and try doing some research on him/her. If s/he is one of those heroes who doesn't even try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene, I will always try to create as much drama as possible and shoot towards him once to save ammo.  
If I have a super weapon that I don't have to worry about the ammo for, I'll freaking use it.  
I will give my minions armor that actually does something, and I will wear the same armor to confuse my enemy.  
I will hire a comedian to make sure my one liners are damn funny so that I can kill my enemies while they're laughing.  
If a twentieth century British police box appears out of nowhere, I will summarily drop whatever plans I have and make myself scarce. Said plans are almost certainly going to be thwarted.  
If I turn a named good guy into a mindless drone, either through mind control or more... invasive methods, I will make sure any superfluous memories and emotions are permanently obliterated. If I cannot do this without making them mindless, I will give them identity-concealing helmets and ship them to a Throw-Away Country for life. I will never under any circumstances order them to kill their friends.  
My organization will NOT have any sinister sounding words such as "Doom" or "Evil" in its title. This would only be a dead giveaway to both the heroes and common masses, and cause recruiting problems.  
Any magical lands with overly cute inhabitants will be destroyed by nuclear missiles launched from a distant location. Even the sweetest-looking may be home to a potential hero or his allies.  
One of my trusted lieutenants will be a leading folklore expert familiar with obscure stories from across the globe. There's no reason that Genre Savviness should be exclusive to Western and Japanese media. This especially applies if All Myths Are True.  
If a prophecy tells me that my child will eventually kill me, and if I have children anyway, I will always treat them with kindness and love, and teach them to agree with my cause wholeheartedly, not just follow them. I will not disown them, try to kill them, or mistreat them in any way. That way, when their actions inevitably kill me, it will be an accident, and they will carry on my legacy.  
I will not favor any ethnic group or culture over any others in my empire. While the idea of an unstoppable master race may have its appeal and members of such race would be more likely to have my undying support, this will only encourage otherwise pacifist groups to actively join the rebellion.  
A Power And Skill Threshold for minions will be established. If a Leeroy Jenkins or other incompetent shows himself, I will check his or her place on the Power Chart. If he or she scores above or very close to the Power Threshold, I will employ the above method of mind control to prevent such incompetence. If they score below the Power Threshold, I will have them immediately dunked in electrified acid.  
If I have achieved supreme power and/or mastery over the very nature of reality, I will endeavour to transform myself into a cute Japanese girl, assuming I am not one already. This will ensure that the worst I will get after my inevitable defeat is tea time with the heroine.  
If I ever want to keep a diary, it will be encrypted in a code no one besides me knows, and there will be no crucial information, which means no plans, names, dates, sites or information regarding anything that could be used to bring me down.  
I will not play MMORPG's. They're addictive, so I'd take up all my time playing RuneScape or World of Warcraft or Neverwinter Nights and I'd never do any ruling.  
I will never, ever, let one person do all my ruling for me. Then I'm not the one who's the evil overlord.  
If I have to sign huge piles of papers, I will read all of them. It takes a long time, but it's a worthy trade-off for making sure my minions aren't trying to sneak something past me. Also, if I want something written, like a letter or a proclamation, I will dictate it myself. If anything at least as advanced as a typewriter is present in the setting, and my typing skills are such that I don't have to spend three minutes looking for each key, I will write it myself.  
If there is only one person who can do something, like work a certain metal or cast a certain spell, I will offer them employment with me. If they refuse, I will send guards to make sure that they come to no harm, and that the hero can't avail himself of their services. If the guards fail, I will coat them with honey... no, actually, good guards are too hard to come by. Screw it, I'll coat them anyway; if they failed, they obviously aren't good enough.  
I will never assume that someone is stupid just because they don't know something, like basic mathematics or how to spell a certain word. They may know a lot of things I may just need.  
I will ensure that all punishments within my empire fit the crime. Nothing inspires a rebellion like the death penalty for ripping off a mattress tag. Minor crimes WILL NOT be punishable by death... or torture... or an ass whuppin. Rape, kidnapping, and murder (or the attempt to do any of these) may result in harsh punishment, but you won't get the shit kicked out of you for stealing an apple.  
Whenever I kill an incompetent assassin, I will endeavor to keep his or her fate a mystery, and order a full security audit, to find out how said assassin was able to breach the outer layer of defences. I will consider pretending to have died or been gravely wounded while I sort out who is responsible for this.  
I will have at least 3 snipers hidden in various locations while I'm out making public appearances. Guarding these snipers will be a large group of soldiers. I will not deny my mortality and the fact that everyone in a high ranking position has at least 1 person who wants them dead.  
If anyone attempts to kill me they will be tortured for the rest of their life in a prison in the coldest place on the planet. Combine with the fact that I'll be considered the best ruler ever (from the above) there will be no reason for anyone to ever attempt to kill me.  
I will be very modest. I will regularly talk about God being my lord (regardless of if I'm trying to steal a holy artifact and become a god myself). This may keep people from suspecting me of being the evil demon ravaging the world.  
I will have my scientists work on projects that would benefit the people (curing cancer and AIDs, breeding plants to grow in a very short time and continue to produce all year round). Who would want to kill the guy who gave you the crop that put an end to world hunger?  
While I understand that any minions that work for me are likely to be evil, I'll make it very clear that when I say I want a specific girl killed, I do NOT want them to go all lecherous when they get her. My minions will understand that if I ever find any of my men with a girl who 'is going to die anyway, so we can have some fun first', they will have the body part they were thinking with forcibly removed. If they just do the job I told them to and come back on the other hand, they'll get a coupon for the Red Light district as a bonus.  
All my guards will be trained by Ex-Spetznaz agents and MMA fighters. Should they be disarmed they will still be able to beat their assailant.  
My town guards won't be sociopathic assholes who bother people just because they have weapons and are the servants of the leader.  
Burning fields and slaughtering cattle is a very visible way to show how evil I am. But I will bear in mind that not only does it help draw allies for the hero, doing it too often can wreak havoc on the economy and cause famine. I will instruct my legions accordingly.  
I will make sure that I get lots of exercise. That does count dancing or doing star jumps to popular music. To save face, any music that has people cringing, or a song that more than five people don't like, will not be used. But, they will not be allowed to tell ME what I can do!  
I will always care for the peasants in my kingdom. That means I will ensure that they are all well-fed and they aren't whipped or beaten by anyone in my employment. A happy worker is an industrious worker, not to mention one that's not plotting my downfall.  
I will make it a habit to allow peasants more opportunity in my administration in politics and military, since history has taught us that nobles are always corrupt dicks who will try to usurp you and clergymen are always going to extort money and privileges out of you so the best bet is to have a generation of commissioned officers and politicians who actually earned their positions rather than have a generation of pampered and spoiled morons who don't have the slightest idea of what they're doing  
I will do my best to discover what the hero's favorite books or movies are, then pay close attention the actions of said works. That way, I would be able to catch a Genre Savvy hero off guard.  
I will not rely on Gambit Roulette to fulfill my Evil Plan for world conquest. I will enact several plans at once, most of which will be Gambit Blackjack at worst. If, however, my urge to play roulette is uncontrollable, I will set up an elaborate, hero-attention-grabbing string of events. I expect this plan to fail, and its failure will lead to a secondary goal. Thus, while the hero is distracted trying to avoid my roulette, one of my other plans will have already paid off.  
Destroying the world (or the universe) as my ultimate goal? VERY bad idea. I will always remember that I am part of the world/universe, and even if I could survive its end, it's not very fun if I'm the only thing left.  
In keeping with my status as an Equal-Opportunity Overlord, I will hire a number of deaf or hearing-impaired minions to guard a particular area (what that area actually is irrelevant). That area will be fitted with a sonic-based attack system. While the heroes are lying on the floor with hands over their ears in pain, but before they think to shoot out the delivery system, the deaf minions will fill them full of lead. Simple.  
I will not underestimate the power of the Ermine Cape Effect, regardless of what I actually wear. As long as it's not in lieu of good leadership (the monarchies of France, Russia, and China), it's a great way to enhance my stature among my subjects.  
If I wear any such outfit that impedes movement it will break away if necessary. If it's puffy, this is a great way to hide extra weapons as well.  
I shall never drop a loaded gun on the floor for my enemy to pick up while I run up stairs. I shall take the loaded gun and shoot tied up enemy before running up stairs.  
If in charge of a galactic empire, I shall take into account the defense budget before designing super weapons. Good financial management lessens the risk of insurrection.  
In keeping with sensitivity training, I shall hire gays and lesbians into my Legions of Terror. However, if they are put on guard duty, I will instruct them to only guard members of the opposite sex. Bisexuals employed as part of my Legions of Terror will be put to more beneficial purposes, such as weapon maintenance.  
Now that all of the above has been established, I will stop talking to myself. It gives people the wrong idea.  
Before I become an evil overlord, I will first undergo psychological treatment to remove my conscience and useless emotions like love, empathy or guilt. That way I can commit ultimate evil acts to my heart's content.  
I will be aware of my emotions and take care to keep them in perspective as no emotion is useless. Each of them is a highly conditioned evolutionary response that helped ensure my species' survival for countless years  
I will not give my Doomsday Device a very obviously evil name, no matter how cool it sounds. It's much easier to pretend that Project X25 is just an orbital research station (as opposed to a Kill Sat) than it is to convince people that something called "The Worldslayer" is intended for peaceful purposes.  
I will remember the psychological benefit that can be had from giving completely harmless things intimidating names.  
If I am to employ tacticians for use in strategic battles, I will hire at least three of them, ensure that all three of them have no connections to each other, and have them constantly fight in mock battles with what I believe will be equivalent forces to what I expect will be fielded during the last stand.  
I shall wear white clothes that stain easily so as to invoke the Law of Chromatic Superiority upon bloodshed.  
If my enemy is a Mary Sue... I'm leaving that story. Dealing with that kind of character will be far more trouble than it's worth.  
I will keep in mind that heroes can read this list too and remain appropriately flexible in my planning.  
When someone is about to kill them, the majority of people will either beg for their lives, or break down completely. The minority will face their death with courage. Be careful of the minority.  
Even though We Have Reserves I will be Nice to the Waiter and try to minimize casualties.  
If the hero wants to topple me, he will face a Platform Hell challenge. Should he best me even then, there is no shame in fleeing, noting the hero's abilities, and rebuilding my Legions of Doom with the hero's strengths and weaknesses in mind-minimize the former, pick on the latter.  
Screw the Hague convention. My Legions of Doom will use poison-tipped ammunition. And they will always Shoot the Medic First.  
If I decide to place the hero into a simulated reality, it will be designed by Uwe Boll, Aaron Seltzer, and Jason Friedberg. The hero should go insane within minutes.  
I will make sure that the artifact that grants me immortality also grants me eternal youth, unless the army of replacement bodies or robots are already completed.  
If exactly one thing in the world/universe/whatever can harm me, I will assume that the hero will somehow gain the ability to use that one thing against me, and plan accordingly. The same goes for any minions I may have with this characteristic.  
I will most definitely be a Karma Houdini or an Anti-Villain.  
My ultimate weapon will be sock'em boppers.  
If I am in control of a modern nation like the United States, I will make sure that I firmly establish that I love NASA (or the equivalent there of) and inform people that my grand master plan is the various uses of space and other celestial bodies for world wide expansion. Plus, with increased space traffic, no one will notice the deployment of a Kill Sat or 20.  
Should I ever, through my diabolical scheming and and/or pet Mad Scientist, come up with fantastically profitable technology, screw it. I'll drop my vendettas and sell the technology for a profit. That should guarantee I'll live a life of comfort and ease. I'll even make regular donations to charity, and rein in my underlings to keep them from doing anything evil. No hero will go after me if I'm just another law-abiding citizen.  
All of my infantry weapons shall be usable by my all my soldiers with minimum of training and common sense. They shall also be simple and rugged enough to able to operate and be maintained in an array of environments.  
All of my mechanized troops shall have standardized vehicles. Said vehicles shall be able to switch out a wide variety of weapons packages made for a variety of situations. This makes field repairs and manufacturing easier.  
All of my prototypes shall have plans. Furthermore, these prototypes will at most be as strong as my standard production models and shall be unnamed saved for a random number designation.  
All of my R&D facilities shall be heavily guarded, with regular background checks and monitoring done for all personnel. I shall also have my prototype dismantled and put into storage so that a hero doesn't end up stealing it.  
If the heroes retreat and leave behind their ridiculously adorable pet or team companion I will not take it in as my own cherished pet. I will check said ridiculously adorable animal for any sort of homing device that the heroes may use to locate my evil lair when I take it in as a cherished pet. If I find such, I will either instantly destroy it, or throw it into a pond/lake/ocean/rain forest with poisonous and man-eating animals, and then drop off the creature at a local animal shelter.  
If for some reason I fall from power and am executed by the hero, should a subordinate resurrect me so that I may reclaim my title of overlord then I will NOT kill the subordinate as a show of how evil I am. Instead, I will promote them to be my new right-hand man.  
I will not even THINK about trying to take over/cancel/ruin/kill/etc. Christmas. Instead, I will choose one of those Make-A-Wish foundation kids that wants to be an overlord for a day, and grant it...With some limits of course. Not only will this be good PR, I may even make it on Santa's nice list. Plus, with all those people saving the damn holiday, it's not worth the headache.  
I will never assume that just because a certain person is my enemy's child/trusted lieutenant/best friend, it means they will know my enemy's secrets. It doesn't work.  
Twins who are separated at birth always end up enemies. If one of my lieutenants turns out to have a twin, that twin will be the hero. I will either arrange an "accident" for my lieutenant, get him to switch to a rival overlord, or "allow" him to stage a coup, so that when the hero takes him out, and can pretend he was the real evil all along.  
If I find out twins were separated at birth, I will do my best to get them raised together. I will not try to kill them or their family. That rarely ever works. The twins would just survive and end up working together against me when they grow up.  
I will never assume that I have the power of a god, that I AM a god, or that I am in any way a deity. That NEVER works.  
I will buy the rights to every song that could be used for a Training Montage.  
I will make Death/Doom, Funeral Doom and Drone Doom the official music of the empire.  
If there is a prophesy involving a hero finding and killing me, I will do a lot of research on said prophesy and make absolutely sure that the evil overlord is not going to be me.  
If I ever build a Laser Hallway of death, I will make very certain that the lasers are too closely spaced to be bypassed by doing flips. The lasers themselves will be infrared or ultraviolet, so that the hero doesn't even know he's being shot at until he gets hit.  
If I create a laser wall, I will ensure that it is properly maintained by a board certified technician, and will not shut down simply because the last mook in the room has died.  
I will employ multiple kindly, eccentric, and/or grizzled old men to play the role of mentor to any prospective hero. They will keep me appraised of the hero's weaknesses and movements and be sure to direct the hero's attention only to my enemies. If the hero ever decides to come after me anyway, I will know exactly where to find him and how to kill him. Any real mentors will be taken to an old age home and labeled as completely senile, not killed so they can fuel the righteous vengeance of the hero.  
All healing objects placed on my Mooks will be placed internally, and cause Regeneration while it's activated. That way, the Heroes will not be able to take it off their (deceased) person after their defeat.  
I will keep the Evil Overlord List away from Mooks and the Heroes, so as to keep them from knowing my plans.  
Anyone even remotely competent, intelligent, skillful, good at fighting, or otherwise useful in any way whatsoever should already either be working for me or be dead.  
The top tiers of my organization will be made up of people I would trust with my life. I really can't be bothered worrying about who's planning to backstab me next. If I can't find people I'd trust with my life it's not going to be a very successful organization anyway.  
I will never double cross anyone I've teamed up with until after we accomplished the goal which forced us to team up in the first place.  
If I manage to convert one of the heroes I will not immediately send him to fight against his old friends. Instead I'll give him a free month's stay at a tropical resort as a signing bonus and then deploy him as far away from his previous team as possible.  
Sending the hero's evil opposite after him is actually a pretty good plan. But since perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything, I'll send my other elite troops as backup.  
Anyone who uses the phrase 'false sense of security' will be gently slid out of the chain of command and shuffled into an inconsequential administrative job if I'm feeling charitable and shot if I'm not.  
Some of my elite troops will spend part of their time locked up in my dungeons, turned into stone, shoved in an alternate dimension, or otherwise replicating whatever storage method I use for the people I do not for some reason choose to kill immediately. They will be recompensed for this service. That way, if the hero ever shows up and starts randomly freeing my prisoners from said storage method, there will be someone on the spot to either take him out or at least thin the escapee crowd a bit.  
If I ever feel like releasing the heroes into a jungle and then riding after them atop an elephant, I will instead kill them and go visit my psychiatrist again.  
No matter how much ancient mystical power they hold, collectible card games will not be the key to my evil plan. However, I will not be above marketing them to children and organizing a series of tournaments with a cool and mysterious looking but actually useless object as a prize.  
I will keep any cool and mysterious-looking but actually useful objects for examination and, in the event of excessively negative side effects, store them in an inconspicuous safe hurtling an inconspicuous several thousand miles per hour towards the sun.  
I will use proportionate response and avoid collateral damage where possible. But if the citizens of an area continue getting uppity, it might just be time to remind them how my Legions of Doom got their name.  
If I have the ability to bring people back from the dead, I will milk it for all it's worth. However, I will not raise a beloved relative/mentor of the hero to fight him under my psychic control. That never ends well for me, and now It's Personal.  
The different branches of my organizations will have reliable access to relevant information about that organization's activities.  
If I do decide to have children after all, I will also gather babies of the same age into my castle. All the children will be given an education and combat training, as well as indoctrinated. Not only will they form the elite core of my empire, this will also give my children the chance to find a love interest long before any hero has the motor skills to get anywhere near them.  
If I decide to use biological weapons (i.e. parasites or viruses) as a means of controlling the populace, I will not use the same as my primary method of attack against the hero. Unfortunately, heroes have a tendency to luck into those "one-in-a-million" immunities to such things. In addition, I will never employ any virus as a weapon until a working antidote or vaccine has been mass-produced for my own forces and population.  
If, for some reason, I do not wish to kill anyone, I will immediately begin research into creating a device to hold victims in a state of permanent stasis. Alternatively, if such a thing exists within my setting, I will attempt to access and use the Phantom Zone. Both plans come with serious risks, but if the setting I'm in tends to hand out Karmic Death with reckless abandon to anyone who kills so much as a nameless peasant, perhaps they make the safer route.  
I will not have my mad scientists conduct cruel experiments on children, especially young girls. This goes double for psychic or otherwise supernaturally-gifted children, and triple for supernaturally-gifted girls. Instead, these children will be given supportive, kindly, and extremely gracious treatment while quietly indoctrinating them to serve me.  
I will not try to summon a 1000 year old demon and try to command it, THIS NEVER WORKS.  
If I decide to summon a demon, regardless of age or type, I will be sure that I know the all possible methods to banish it, lest it turns out to be more difficult to command than expected.  
When plastering my kingdom with Dead Or Alive wanted posters for the heroes, I will not list their crimes as "Rebellion Against The Throne" or "Thieving from the Royal Coffers" which will gain them unnecessary sympathy among the masses. Instead, the warrant will be put out for Child Molestation, Serial Rape/Murder of Prostitutes, and Littering.  
I will kill the fangirls. All of them.  
In addition to my policy of avoiding single combat whenever possible, I will particularly treat challenges to one-to-one combat from the elderly, the meek, the ridiculously lightly built, and the mentally handicapped with all due caution. I.E. I will order my Legion of Terror to gun the challenger down from a safe distance.  
One-to-one combat with any individual or small harmless creature called "Fluffy" is not ever worth considering; Go straight to fuel-air bomb, Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred pounds.  
Ez naiz nahi izan nire gaitz azpijokoa lhnp. Beraz, banu duzu hizketa nire burua nion, ez dudala hizkuntza hil oso aditzaren lhnp eta aditzaren ezezko biribil ri dagokion atzerriko hizkuntza antzeko Euskara. Erabiltzen da gramatikaren aldetik ikuspegia nahasi Euskara.note  
If I ever have to ally myself with a supernatural being, I will always keep in mind that a more powerful and harder-to-destroy being who's opposed to my new patron might exist. If I find out, I'll quickly change sides. No one wants to be on the losing side of Judgment Day. However, any deity's claims to omnipotence and omniscience will be met with careful skepticism.  
I will make certain that any deity I worship or claim allegiance to (chaotic, evil, or otherwise) is at the very least benevolent and forgiving towards its servants, lest my plans be foiled anyway.  
When the hero challenges me to a children's card game or a Cooking Duel, I will accept. When he disarms and prepares, I will shoot him in the face.  
I will study Joe Chaos, Lelouch vi Britannia, Kane, and Grand Admiral Thrawn. I will then combine their strategies. In addition, if my PR is so good that the entire world loves me, I will use this combined strategy to my advantage: I will get myself publically and brutally killed by an assassin who disguises themselves as the hero then gets away cleanly whilst I am using a cursed item that will ensure my resurrection in a few weeks' time. This will unite the entire planet against the hero, and I will shortly return to lead them against the man who killed their idol. Why a cursed item? They tend to work every single time, and they usually grant immortality, which some people, curiously, think is a bad thing.  
If I ever attempt to flush out the hero by capturing someone he cares about deeply, but someone else already tried that and it either didn't work or they got their ass kicked, and I decide to kill the hostage instead, I will rethink that decision a lot. If the hero is that deadly, then I have not only committed a Moral Event Horizon (especially so if the murder was brutal), but the hero will be after me now.  
I will not invade Russia in the winter.  
I will never get involved in an land war in Asia. I will also never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! Unless I've already won.  
I will not fight the hero as God intended. Sportsmanlike. In other words, we will not put down our weapons and try to kill each other like civilized people.  
Diatribes are a big no-no, nobody needs to know your plans except the people that were at the presentation and planning, and they already know the plan, so it's just a waste at that point.  
If I decide to Hypnotize the Princess, I will just do it on someone I am attracted to, and it will just be for a few quickies or to facilitate cooperation in Rule 8 in my original guide. Anything else attempted with this damsel is likely to end badly for me.  
Rather than a long and convoluted multi-stage plan, I will simply make use of a series of plans each consisting of one stage.  
If a group of minions report seeing a creature previously believed to be mythical, I will not dismiss their claims simply because the creature is from a "children's story." Instead, I will send a team equipped with cameras and scientific equipment to investigate before I can make a sufficient conclusion.  
In order to prevent Gaia's Vengeance (or at least a group of environmentalist heroes attacking me), I will make sure my diabolical schemes are as eco-friendly as possible.  
If captured by the hero for any length of time, I will act polite and nonthreatening like the Magnificent Bastard I am. I will not try to escape until I have a reasonably high chance of success, and I will not taunt my enemies — this will either make the guards let their guard down or unnerve the hell out of everyone. If, however, I'm taken to the rebel base, I will keep an ear open for any signs of attack. If I'm unable to get the hell out of there before such an attack, I'll dodge the Karmic Death by saving the hero's life and escaping with him. Faking a Heel–Face Turn is optional.  
I will resist the temptation to humiliate captured enemies through deathtraps, forced signs of subjugation (like kneeling) or forcing them to fight each other. I will treat my prisoners with basic human respect. My dungeons will be well maintained, well lit and possess basic comforts — not only does this make it easier to keep an eye on prisoners and prevent escape, but they will be less eager to do so.  
My prisoners will receive proper health care. If I capture somebody in battle, their wounds will be treated. If an important enemy is unconscious when I pick them up and in battle/a deathtrap/et cetera, I will have both their feet amputated and inform them that they were crushed when they wake up.  
I will try avoiding hiring Knights of the Templar variety as my police. They have a bad tendency to take orders literally, and I need my Public Relations Image to be high.  
I will keep in mind that the most dangerous person in the hero's group is either the little old man or the small, skinny girl. If the hero is either of these, well, liberal use of the Kill Sat is always a good plan.  
You know something? Screw this list and all its rules. If I follow all these rules I'll never have any fun and that's the whole point of being an Evil Overlord. Being Genre Savvy IS BORING. So the only rule I'm going to have is not to follow any of these rules. So what if the Hero kills me? At least I get to have fun, and besides, Who Wants to Live Forever??  
I will also get a tan and dye my hair blonde, to confuse the enemy.  
If I am a male evil overlord and I am blonde, I will dye my hair.  
If I must put in the ability for the hero to hack my equipment, I will make certain to make it literally impossible (for example: if it is done via a pipe-dream-esque setting, I will make the one slot before the exit set off an alarm or cause the device to explode in a violent fashion).  
If I hire any ninja, I will make certain they understand the concept of stealth. Any ninja who are known to run around in broad daylight screaming the names of their attacks at the top of their lungs will not even be considered for the job.  
On 847th thought, screw being an Evil Overlord. If I can do all of that, I can go legit and make a ton of money much easier.  
No matter how consumed I am by The Dark Side, I will never ignore or forget the reasons I became an Evil Overlord in the first place. Just saying that I inherited The Empire from my dad doesn't count.  
I will cross-train all my maids in the art of combat. Imagine the hero's surprise when the seemingly harmless French Maid runs up and kicks him in the head. Or other places....  
If at all technologically feasible, I will not command my forces from an evil lair or fortress; that will instead be a symbolic center and be used as a barracks and storehouse, if anything. Instead, I will secure a smaller but equally-secure and very-well-hidden hideout some distance away. This A. serves as a backup command when the Big Damn Heroes storm my palatial castle-tower in the middle of Mordor, B. robs the Action Hero of his much-anticipated Boss Battle (in which my victory would be unlikely), and C. acts as a safeguard for the inevitable collapse that could otherwise be my death.  
To ensure that "Evil Cannot Comprehend Good" does not come into play, I will familiarize myself with whatever morality system the heroes subscribe to, and so confirm that the reverse is true. Even if this seems trivial, it still can be useful when predicting my enemies' actions. Remember, they have moral and social limits that you do not, so do not fatally overestimate them and assume they think like you.  
I will remember that abusing morality systems tends to cause anti-heroes to emerge. Heroes without moral and social limits can be extremely dangerous to the villain that is used to abusing morality systems.  
I will not make assumptions about the humanity and morality of the hero who struts about in all black and slaughters every minion he crosses paths with. While some heroes slaughter mooks without a second thought only to spare the Evil Overlord, I will not count on this.  
All of my personal grooming will be done by me and me alone, especially if it involves a blade or something that will go in my mouth or eyes, no matter how luxurious, opulent, or flashy it would be to pay others to do it for me.  
My five-year-old child advisor will also be autistic, just in case another Simon appears; then, I'll have someone that would have their mind working the same way.  
I'll start pretending to be a nice fellow to everyone, and sharpening up my innocent looks. If it worked quite well for Aizen, wouldn't it work for someone that's more of a Genre Savvy than him?  
From time to time, I will send people to creep around my evil lair, sneak up on guards, and shout "Boo!" Any guard who jumps will be demoted to light infantry. Any guard who responds by turning around and pointing their weapon at the person will be considered for promotion to my Personal Guard. And at least a raise.  
Incidentally, I will learn how to move silently. I will then exercise this knowledge by making as much of the floor in my lair creak as much as possible, to prevent intruders from moving silently. The exception will be floors that lead to my emergency escape route.  
I will stop wasting my time on stupid, pointless sites and actually try getting my Evil Empire off the ground.  
When, or if, I actually manage to Take Over the World, I must immediately start working to keep everyone together. La Résistance will likely be trying to ruin my new global order, and I want as few people as possible in said rebellion. Bread and Circuses will be my best way to reduce the rebels' numbers, because La Résistance is often-times formed from an oppressive ruler. And do I really want to have to deal with that problem AFTER I took over the world and have to govern everyone?  
I will start my global empire in Australia. Great natural defenses, and a tactically powerful geographical position.  
If at any point the hero shouts "You're insane/mad/crazy" I will NOT ignore them or laugh. I will be seeing a psychiatrist anyway, since it's hard to enjoy absolute power when you aren't right in the head.  
My psychiatrist will NOT be someone that I kidnapped. I will require someone loyal who will engage in Doctor-Patient Confidentiality. Preferably loyalty that will be bought with my obscene wealth versus someone with a conscience.  
The misinformation campaign regarding my one secret weakness shall involve several fake weaknesses, each confided in a different person. This way, if the hero attempts to vanquish me by dousing me with lemon-lime sports soft drink, I will know immediately who I need to issue arrest and termination orders for once I dispatch that annoying do-gooder.  
I will remember that when it comes to blows my choice is not limited to the use of small arms, illegal purchase of second-hand nukes and expensive development of awesome, but unreliable Death Rays with subsequent even more expensive and suspicious orbit injection. For those cases when a few bullets fail to convey the message, there are various anti-tank munitions, Thermite Missile Massacre, explosive-driven magnetic generators (for more hi-tech foes) and other destructive effects to try. At worst, it will give me a chance to disengage and try something else another day, as the laws of the genre are against one's demise until all Impressive Pyrotechnics options are exhausted if one keeps trying — so it's wise to have some more up my sleeve.  
Screw the "never bring swords to a gunfight" rules. I will, of course, bring a gun, but I will also bring several knives and a strangling cord to any fight I have.  
I will make certain I have a Cool Ship of any variety, if only because they have a tendency to be more powerful than regular ships. And it will be my personal mode of transport, and outfitted so that only I can drive it. That way, those blasted heroes won't swipe it from me and use it against me.  
I will always have a backup plan on the off-chance something goes wrong. It doesn't hurt to be prepared, you know.  
Also, if I absolutely have to control a hero or one of their loved ones, I will use more than one method of control, just in case the hero or heroes manage to break one of the methods.  
I will use different, random combinations of letters and numbers for all passwords instead of easily-remembered codewords like "swordfish", or my mother's maiden name. Such common passwords will instead trigger an automatic lockdown and sound the alarm.  
If I find myself I absolutely compelled to do the Slouch of Villainy, I will retain the services of a competent chiropractor and a good in-house masseuse.  
I will ensure that my secret police, black knights, whatever shall be recruited as young as possible, and be orphans so that no one will notice that they're missing to ensure complete and absolute loyalty to me...However, I will make sure that it is not me who's personally responsible for their kin's demises, that's just asking for a Karmic Death.  
Since I'm a realistic evil overlord, my main priority in any conflict will be to "not lose" rather than to actually "win".... As Sun Tzu said "Defeat lies in one's own hands whereas victory lies in the hands of the enemy" and since most of the time it's easier to kill a cockroach than to crush a hero's determination to win it will be easier in the long run  
If the Hero is between the ages of ten and thirty, I will be especially careful. Extra caution shall be used when they reach the ages of 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, and 25.  
If two countries are at war with one another, I will sell weaponry, soldiers, and supplies to both sides of the conflict........I will charge the country that's losing the war more for my aid because I know that they are more desperate, and I will also try and keep the war lasting as long as possible, be it through spreading rumours of surprise attack from one side or assassination of pesky pro-peace officials in one of the country's bureaucracies and framing the other side for it.  
My dungeons will have no furnishings which a hero could fashion into ways to escape.  
If I am given a gift of wine and the giver swigs from the bottle to prove it's not poisoned, I will not then drink it from a cup that was also provided by said giver unless they drink from the same cup first. Also, if I have a food taster, I will wait more than five minutes after they have tested a foodstuff before I consume it myself. And my food taster will test EVERYTHING; I don't want to end up diluting safe wine with untested poisoned water. I will of course make sure I build up an immunity to every known poison in the world in the first place, but it never hurts to have a backup plan.  
If I must wear an animal skull as a helmet, I will remove the teeth first, or at least blunt them.  
I will pull a SHODAN when it comes to dead bodies. Namely, all dead bodies will be cybernetically resurrected and augmented with not only cool abilities but brainwashed to obey me.  
I will only convince a less advanced civilization that I am a god if I already meet their qualifications for one, there are no rivaling deities, their religion is not a strictly pacifistic one, and I am benefited in some way by worship. If I have advanced technology, I will share it with them as long as it is not capable of destroying me in any way.  
All soldiers will be instructed that anyone I bother sending them after is worth killing, as are their close friends, especially if those friends have powers of their own.  
When reading this list, if certain elements contradict each other, I will assume the Original Overlord List to be the more Genre Savvy, and thus follow the rules on that list. Also, I will remember that some things just wouldn't work. For example, although there are some things I must keep on my person at all times, I cannot keep 5 guns, 3 knives, the Infinity +1 Sword, The Infinity Plus One Armor, 5,000 Remote Detonators, 10,000 Keys, The Plans to all my various Schemes, 50,000 of whatever currency I have, several books, a couple of maps, the Game Guide, several Plot Coupons, my shopping list, and my teddy bear all on me unless I have access to Hammerspace At least not at the same time, and labeling all those keys and detonators would be a pain.  
If The Hero is my trusted lieutenant's son, and I won my trusted lieutenant over with his/her love of family, I will not try to kill The Hero in said lieutenant's presence.  
Just because the hero is dead for good does not mean I can be totally secure in my power. There will always be someone to take their place.  
If I am fighting in space, any who wish to be in command of any of my ships must first pass a class about space. This class will try to ensure that my commanders do not believe any of those commonly held misconceptions or myths about the way outer space actually works. This will give me a huge tactical advantage over my enemies who do hold these beliefs.  
Screw making my defenses Nintendo Hard. I will make them the Kobayashi Mario: Literally unbeatable. No way for my enemies to win.  
I will make sure I get laid often enough. I will keep in mind that Good People Have Good Sex and make sure both parties enjoy it and we care for each other because then we can never lose!  
Screw this minion business. I'll just steal Aquaman's powers, then use Cthulhu and Dagon as super weapons, and use the human-size Cthulhu star-spawn and deep ones as infantry.  
I will ensure that I present myself in a manner that does not garner ridicule from my enemies, unless I am trying to lower their guard at the expense of my credibility.  
Poor punctuation is unbecoming of any aspiring overlord, and no one wants to follow a leader who can't form a complete sentence, let alone an evil army.  
When starting my reign of terror, I must make sure that everything is in my favor. I won't be shortsighted fool trying to subvert the evil AI; I'll be the evil AI. Instead of being the naive sap who tries to unlock the Sealed Evil in a Can, I will be the evil that is sealed.  
To avoid a situation where the protagonist's weakness gives him a stuffy nose while my weakness causes me to die, I will have my doctors cure my weakness to at least equal to my opponent (if they are unable to cure it completely).  
To secure that my loyal subjects don't see that I'm actually an antagonist, I will work my evil empire from afar… like several countries away… using a webcam. My highest ranked men can hopefully be trusted to cause terror and such without fucking something up.  
Should I be injured, I will take a vacation rather than put gauze on it, leaving a large target for my opponent to aim at. That doesn't mean I don't need dressing, though.  
My WMDs will be able to be deployed at any moment, regardless of if it is only at 60% power when the hero bursts in to stop me. That way, while the hero is feeling great for reaching me before the doomsday weapon is at full power, I can shoot him in the gut and fire the DeathLaser at the capital city (causing significantly less damage, but I still make my point).  
Forget Rule 81, I just won't ever put myself in such a situation in the first place. If I ever have to fight on a moving platform that zooms under low hanging beams, I'll kill my opponent, and then kill the jackass who left a moving plaform in an area with low hanging beams.  
The giant cannon sticking out of the top of my lair will actually just be a large spotlight. The real weapon will be disguised as a tourist trap in the middle of Oklahoma or North Dakota.  
If I launch a nuke that can be stopped while in flight I will have another attack launched stealthily while the dumbasses are trying to disarm the nukes (like I'd actually waste my time nuking Hoboken, NJ).  
If the heroes have already send my plan irrevocably down the toilet, I will not attack them, and if they tell me 'it's over', I'll just surrender. Villains sometimes have successes, but the survival chance when trying to kill the heroes as revenge for foiling your plot are abysmal.  
I will not be in a situation where surrender is my only option.  
If the feudal Japanese(-esque) village I dominate is visited by a mysterious swordsman who trounces some of my minions during their routine-terrorising, I'll go to full alert. I will not try to kill, hire, negotiate or even talk with him. I'll take my best men outside of town for a bit to see if he leaves. If he goes to help the villagers, I'll cut my losses and leave in the direction he came from. Wandering heroes like that seldom backtrack, and I'll likely find a village whose previous tyrannical rulers have been disposed off by said hero, which is now ripe for the picking.  
If I, or any of my minions, are infiltrating the hero's team, the first order of business is to ask him about all those innocent facts about him that I already know. The 6 words any spy dreads to hear is "I Never Told You My Name".  
If killing an entire family is necessary for my evil plan, I'll order my minions to toss a hand grenade under whichever bed would offer the best view of the place where the parents were killed. That's where the last son or daughter who will come after me sooner or later is hiding.  
My time-bombs will not include a bright timer, a blinking light, or a beeping sound that would allow anyone to easily find them. My remote-controlled bombs will detonate immediately on triggering, not after 5 seconds of blinking light/beeping sound. If the bomb is next to the hero, he might escape, while if it's close to a villain, he'll just stare in horror.  
If I make use of a time-bomb at all, all of its wires will be red. Cutting any of them will cause it to detonate. As well, it will be set to detonate when the timer reads one hour and twelve minutes left, as no hero has ever disarmed a bomb with over an hour on the timer.  
My ventilation shafts will be man-sized - and a deathtrap.  
I will emulate a hero while doing my evil deeds. Roving parties of adventurers always seem to work for them, so why not give it a shot?  
I will choose a language in which my Legions of Doom are to give and follow orders—preferably a language my enemies do not speak. Any orders given to them in a different language than the aforementioned are to be ignored, no matter how believable the source's accent is. Chances are, the hero has someone in his party who can speak the language, regardless.  
While an Evil Overlord should have every right to spend his nation's resources on personal comfort, I will make sure before doing so that there is nothing else that desperately needs said resources. I'm probably comfortable enough as it is, and I do not want my authentic Repin to be the reason why I have ill-trained soldiers with too few weapons.  
The people of any land I conquer are now my people and should be treated accordingly. Letting my Legions of Doom rape, loot, and pillage to their hearts' content is just asking for partisan problems down the road and will give the hero plenty of allies within my own borders when he visits the area.  
If I suspect one of my most brilliant generals is plotting against me, I will make sure I have actual proof from sources less biased than I am before attempting to get rid of him.  
Any prisoners that the hero is attempting to rescue will be killed. If the hero's willing to go on a veritable suicide mission to get them out, they're clearly more useful to the hero alive than they are to me alive. The only exceptions are if they have valuable information that I can't obtain by other means, in which case they will be relocated to another detention facility.  
Unless I couldn't care less about what becomes of my empire after I die, I will not attempt to divide it among my heirs.  
If I am killed, anyone in my will who was involved in my death shall receive nothing but a much shorter life, even if my will entitled them to more.  
I will have a full understanding of what completely idiotic excuses for tactics tend to work when the hero employs them. I will develop appropriate countermeasures that are so obviously effective that any imbecile in front of the screen can tell that the hero's tactics suck in comparison to mine.  
I will ascend to power by defeating ANOTHER evil overlord. Nothing says "PR" like becoming an Evil Overlord as a hero. I will make sure that the evil overlord I defeated is more evil than I am.  
Marrying for political power, wealth, or physical attraction (or any combination of the three) makes my consort a possible threat to my rule. As such, it is better for us to get married simply because we truly love each other. First of all, love is power, and it also makes it more likely that, no matter what other people think of her, I will think of my consort as being very beautiful. Besides, no one said bad guys couldn't experience "good" feelings like love.  
If I am holding someone hostage, I will kill them the instant the hero refuses my demands rather than give the hero time to rescue them.  
If one or all of the heroes are Shrouded in Myth, I will take all rumors as fact, just to be safe. For example, if I hear they can bend steel with their bare hands, if they are captured I will take measures to ensure that their restraints are stronger than steel.  
If I capture a hero who's known to have Eye Beams, I will not have him or her facing the cell door and I will not stand directly in front of them. Rather, I will place a clamp on their head to prevent them from turning and frying me, and so they are facing another hero.  
I will never send one of my female minions into the hero's group to seduce the hero, keep an eye on his movements, trick him into doing my dirty work, etc., because she will almost certainly fall in love with the hero, even if he already has a love interest, and turn on me at the worst possible moment. Even if she is my own lover, even if she is the most loyal minion in my ranks (heck, possibly even if she prefers women), she will still almost certainly side with the hero.  
A 0.0000000000000001% chance of my superweapon backfiring and killing me is unacceptable. Anything more than a 0% chance of the weapon backfiring is a 100% chance.  
In the event that I need to seal the hero and his friends inside one of my fortress's side rooms for a while, there will be an electric device in my minion's uniforms that, when placed in contact with the wiring on the inside of a door's control panel, reverse which side will determine whether the door will either open or seal when the panel is shot.  
I will not use my Kill Sat or any other superweapon to kill the hero, because he CAN and probably WILL survive it. In addition, it might instead kill his love interest or a sidekick who happens to be with him, making his quest to defeat me personal, and thus making the hero even stronger. His forces, on the other hand, are usually vulnerable and are therefore acceptable targets for a superweapon strike—not to mention most of them won't be present when and if the hero is confronting me directly, so it frees up more of my own troops (who can usually be expected to have weapons that CAN kill him) to fight the hero himself.  
If the hero is a parent, I will do everything I can to appear awesome to his child. Are you REALLY going to kill your son's idol, Mr. Hero? Do you REALLY want to run the risk of having to kill your own son somewhere down the road?  
Scientists who tell me that their project failed will not be punished unless they told me earlier that it was a success. After all, a lot of these projects revolve around things that haven't been tested, so it's inevitable that some of them won't produce the desired results.  
Experiments that can destroy cities will be conducted as far away from cities or any mayor import facilities as possible.  
I will take all people who take up arms against me seriously, no matter how ridiculous their methods are.  
The instant I have an opportunity to kill my enemy without endangering myself or my plans, I will take advantage of it.  
I will keep in mind that the laws of reality might not apply to my universe. Even if anyone looking in from the outside thinks whoever created my universe is insane, I will follow the creator's rules. If women in my universe are the worst fighters in existence, then no matter how unfair it may look, I will refrain from giving my female minions any combat-related jobs. Likewise, even if my universe contradicts things everyone knows, I follow the laws of my universe, not the real universe.  
If I absolutely must ravish every hapless damsel who blunders my into my clutches, I will at least take the precautions of having her properly washed first and using a condom.  
If my capital is seized, I will only surrender if the capital was all that was left of my country at that point or if I was seized along with the capital and have no way of escaping alive.  
Whilst I shall not approve of hostility between my citizens, thus earning me a few brownie points, I shall encourage people to laugh at those idiots with their pants on the outside.  
Should any of my Mooks run away, I will let them go instead of having my trackers follow and try to kill them. There are always more mooks, and chasing after them runs the risk that they befriended the hero during their wanderings. I will research why they ran away - after all many mooks sport common sense.  
I will not waste resources developing mecha, planet-destroying superlasers, hovering battleships for atmospheric combat, or similar Awesome, but Impractical symbols of power. Mecha require enormous feats of engineering and programming to successfully move, let alone fight effectively.  
I will make a mecha for show, one that is easily merchandisable. And I won't disdain Fan Works about it either. No making copyright claims about YouTube videos, and no DRM on any video games made about it. I'm an evil overlord, not the RIAA.  
Any autodestruct sequence in any of my bastions will, resources permitting, destroy the entire facility at the same time. Failing that, it will be destroyed from the outside in, preventing any intruder from running out ahead of the blast. If the technology or magic exists, Mooks will be teleported elsewhere immediately, bolstering my popularity and preventing any need for retraining when I establish a replacement for that base.  
If the hero is allegedly dead, I'll kill him immediately after this is announced just to make sure.  
I will not use torture to extract information from captured enemies. When the Anti-Hero does it, he usually gets the information he's looking for. When I do it to the hero or one of his allies, I will probably get nothing or lies out of them, not to mention the act costs me sympathy.  
Any special powers I possess will only be used if I need to use them and never mentioned to anyone. While having telekinetic powers may be useful, I'd rather have the hero find out I have them at a time when it is inconvenient (preferably lethal) for him. It's also a useful last line of defense against traitors who have planned for everything else.  
Each and every bit of information I or any of my underlings have will be encrypted in the best and practical encryption available. Likewise is done for any form of communication. Any software I have must be able to deliver Checksums or other proofs of authenticity at any time — especialy AIs and robots.  
I will hire and pay royally every hacker I can get. Said hackers will be used to make my systems more secure and to find any holes in software and hardware I or my scientists come up with.  
If I am a magician in a modern Muggle world, I will remember to get all sorts of Muggle weapons and technology that could help me or substitute for my magic. Even if my magic can't kill the hero, a well targeted missile will.  
All weapons will have biometric safety that disallows attacks aimed near me. This extends to both conventional and any super weapons. Where possible, implosion-based weaponry will be used in place of explosives for anti-vehicular roles.  
I will force Disney (or any company that buys a popular franchise) to remake any poorly received installments of that franchise, and do them right. That ought to gain me the loyalty of about half the nerds on the planet, if not even more. Then I will look into sequels for movies (or other works) that desperately need them and some disputed recent comic book events (you know which ones) if that isn't enough.  
If my last name is the name of a mountain range, I'm legally changing it. Something like Vetinari would be good.  
I will not Hypnotize the Princess for the usual reasons. I can get my own consort other ways, and inducing a Face–Heel Turn is too unreliable. Instead, it will be for fun reasons. If nothing else, I can screw with the hero a hell of a lot. I'll command the love interest to flash the hero every time he says his transformation phrase. Even if that doesn't stop the transformation, his look alone would be worth a laugh. And just for shits and giggles, every time he says his regular Catchphrase, she will say "I know you are, but what am I?".  
Perhaps I shouldn't have children who are evil. Good children might turn against me though. So to minimize the risk, I will adopt a girl who is wise, yet sweet, and raise her as a Princess Classic. She won't continue my evil tradition after my death or ascension to godhood, but I'll be dead or a god, so it won't matter to me. Plus having such a sweet little girl around should earn me adoration points just by being a good parent.  
If a rebellion actually happens, and succeeds in freeing part of my empire, I will not tighten my grip on what remains, especially not try to keep my subjects simple and uneducated. That will just invite greater rebellion later on.  
My minions, guards, and anyone else with official business in my stronghold will each be equipped with a ring which must be scanned as secured doors to open them. However, the scanner will scan not only the ring, but the RFID chip in the wearer's palm. Anyone who attempts to scan the ring by itself - say, the Hero who just plucked it off a guard he overpowered - will set off the silent alarm.  
Having a harem is one of the privileges of being an Evil Overlord. However, in the interest of keeping the women loyal and enthusiastic, inclusion in the harem will be on a strictly voluntary basis, and those who serve in this manner for two years will receive a full-ride scholarship at my University.  
Women who are captured will be treated the same as the male prisoners, no matter how beautiful and alluring they are. They will NOT be added to the harem or otherwise made to serve me as concubines. Part of the point of having a harem is to keep me immune to such things, after all.  
I will not get married. There are somethings that an Evil Overlord just isn't cut out for. Any woman who could become my bride would necessarily have to be Evil as well, and therefore NOT someone you want to have in you bed every night. Besides, she'd eventually just betray me anyway, and I'd either lose everything I'd worked so hard for, or I'd have to execute her - which isn't as easy as it sounds, even for an Evil Overlord. (Of course, there's nothing wrong with The Hero marrying.)  
I will make sure that bogus prophecies are spread around the populace, which pointedly do not come to pass. That way, if they ever hear the genuine article, they'll ignore it. Even the genuine prophecies only come to pass because people believe in them.  
All Innkeepers will be on my payroll, and rewarded for useful pieces of information regarding travelers from afar.  
If a wandering bard makes up an unflattering song about me, I'll have a good chuckle along with everyone else, invite him to dinner in my stronghold, and them feed him to my monster for my own private enjoyment. One must keep up the appearance of a benevolent despot, but that doesn't meant you let the bastard get away with it.  
There will be absolutely NO death traps in my private chambers which might be turned against me. They're called "private" chambers for a reason, and there should never be any need for me to bring someone in there who I might want to kill.  
My personal bodyguard will not have a mechanical arm or a laser-shooting eye as his primary weapon; he will have a pistol. Gimmicky weapons have a way of failing at crucial moments.  
If and when I capture the Hero's pet monkey/dog/falcon/other such loyal animal, I will not attempt to have it act in any way for my amusement. It's just either going to bite me or try to steal something and escape.  
When drafting a duty schedule for my minions, I shall arrange their shifts so they'll get plenty of rest. In particular, I want my security forces to be fresh and alert should the hero or any other troublemakers show up at the gates.  
I will have the hero killed in such a way that a body will be left behind as proof that he's dead. As such, vaporizing him, incinerating him, breaking him apart into individual molecules, etc., are not acceptable ways to kill the hero unless something that can be definitively identified as the dead hero can be left behind—kill or be killed situations notwithstanding, of course.  
Once I kill the hero, I will have the body dissolved in acid. I will then consider the POSSIBILITY that he might really be dead.  
I will make sure I have a full understanding of how my universe operates. For example, if a fall from any height can be rendered non-lethal by certain illogical circumstances, I will take advantage of that. I will keep the potential for inconsistencies (i. e. the hero survives a 10,000-foot fall into the sea and everyone else is as good as dead) in mind, though, and avoid the risk if I have any reason to believe my situation is an exception to my universe's illogical rules.  
I will appoint someone to be the guy that plays the leader of my empire while I take on the role of the mayor of a far away town that sits on the very edge of the empire. If the hero ever shows up, I'll be as nice as possible to him, but say there's little I can actually do against the evil empire. Should my decoy be defeated, I WON'T make a sudden appearance as the REAL leader. I'll just redo the plan while staying undercover (why should I break cover when the hero has probably put me at the bottom of the "Potential Leaders of the Evil Empire" list, below their own family members and an NPC who tells them about a local legend?).  
As supreme ruler of my empire, it is my prerogative to make whatever laws I deem fit. Nevertheless, I will refrain from making laws that are entirely arbitrary, nonsensical, and/or impossible to enforce without diverting manpower, funding, and other resources away from areas of far more pressing concern.  
By nature of being the bad guy, there is a good chance my Evil Plan will fail no matter how well I prepare. This being the case, I will make sure I will always have an opportunity to switch to an honest life just in case I ever decide that being evil isn't worth the trouble. (Besides, who better to handle an evil empire than one who actually has been a key part of one?)  
If I am, in my rise to power, engaging in some illegal activity, all present will be instructed to not use names. There's no point to it. If those I am working with find it absolutely impossible to work without some way to refer to each individual, I will randomly assign them names from a list of words that I create. There is no point in being Thundara, Lord of the Dance, when Dance is so much easier in practice. And though they will, of course, run drills while using these names, all drills will be done in full disguise.  
My palace guards will have regularly scheduled times when they must report in to the main security office via radio or intercom, even if it's just to report "situation normal". If any guard fails to check in at any of his appointed times, whoever's on duty in the security office is to initiate a full-scale alert on the assumption that said guard was killed or incapacitated by an intruder, and that there's now a security breach in progress. If it's found thereafter that the guard in question failed to check in because he abandoned his post or was preoccupied with anything he's not supposed to be doing while on watch, he's in deep shit.  
Any items that the hero needs to obtain will not be in the possession of my most annoying-to-defeat elites, but in the possession of my impossible-to-defeat privates.  
If I attempt to shut down a machine that's "malfunctioning" and my scientific adviser warns me that it has become sentient, I'll listen and respond accordingly. If it is indeed sentient, I'll treat it as a person who can be emotionally manipulated or negotiated with.  
Even if the hero currently lacks a power, I will factor into my battle plans the possibility that he might suddenly obtain it and turn the tide of the fight. Heroes have an annoying tendency to do that when all seems lost.  
I will have the cost of all new weapons projects analyzed before even a prototype is built. This way, if the planned weapon is determined to be too expensive to mass-produce, the hero won't have a prototype to steal. Also, if the weapon is too expensive, even the schematics presented to me will be destroyed—I will personally oversee their destruction; leaving the task to someone else almost guarantees that they'll put it off and inadvertently allow the hero to steal the plans and reverse-engineer the weapon.  
My agents, operatives, and minions will only be permitted to utilize paper-thin disguises in specific circumstances. These include training observers for the level of sophistication expected from garden-variety heroes, operations where the agent is meant to be identified, and entertainment. Anyone caught issuing, being issued, wearing, or developing a Paper-Thin Disguise without the above excuses will be fired. Preferably from a howitzer. All agents who are meant to succeed will be issued in-depth covers, be trained with their covers to prevent slips, and even receive plastic surgery or prosthetic alterations if their appearance is too well-known.  
It is possible that, by nature of being the Evil Overlord, my people will hate me no matter what I do. In that case, I will forget about being a villain with good PR and instead focus on aspects of my plan that are unaffected by how much my people hate me.  
I will not dispose of people by sending them into space without a suit, forcing them to walk overboard, or any similar method. Such things carry a chance of the fool surviving long enough to be picked up by the hero, in which case my ex-minion will invariably divulge important information to the hero and/or side with him and suddenly become competent.  
If I decide to place a tracking device on a prisoner and then let him/her escape (for example, if I'm trying to locate that annoying rebel base that the prisoner won't tell me the location of), the device will be in the form of a nanobot hidden in the prisoner's food. The bot will stay within the prisoner's body. If possible, the nanobot will attach itself to the prisoner's nervous system and transmit a full sensory feed rather than just the now-escaped prisoner's location. In fact, just in case the prisoner accidentally gets the nanobot out through sheer luck, multiple nanobots will be hidden in the prisoner's food.  
All vehicles, uniforms, weapons, etc., will have tracking devices and recording devices hidden on them. This will allow me to keep an eye on my underlings, just in case someone's plotting my demise and/or shirking their duties. In addition, it will help me locate anything the hero steals when and if he infiltrates one of my bases and survives.  
All vehicles used by my forces shall have devices installed in them that allow me to remotely shut off their engines if they're stolen.  
I will know the name of everyone among my personal guards. People I address as "guard" tend not to live that long. The same holds true for anyone else who answers directly to me.  
When it comes to Boss Corridor, I make it an Endless Corridor. Now I can take a rest.  
I will study Console Command and make it only available to me.  
On second thought, I will avoid posting blogs. Once online, who knows what can happen.  
I will save all evil gloating until the Hero is dead. Or better yet, I will not gloat at all. I don't want the world to know of my evilness, and I know better than to tempt fate.  
I will never operate outside the expertise of my Legions of Terror, though I will make sure to operate outside the hero's expertise once an opportunity opens up.  
I will not discriminate against members of sexual minorities when it comes to hiring practices; however, I will also never allow homosexuals to guard prisoners of same gender as them (as with heterosexuals never guarding prisoners of opposite gender). Also, my prison guards will not be bisexual (to make it harder for prisoners to attempt to seduce their guards).  
I will not be so stupid as to forbid marriage or love. It might be the one thing stronger than any power I can master, but that is precisely what makes forbidding it a bad idea. Either I will fall in love myself, or a happy romantic couple will stir up a rebellion by enflaming the romantic sensibilities of my people. Best to just drop it a leave it alone.  
On their days off, my minions will be encouraged to visit the local paintball arena, secretly run by members of my HR department. Minions who display any combination of remarkable leadership, tactics, marksmanship, or brutality will be interviewed for promotion. Civilians who display these qualities will be recruited into my Legion of Doom at any reasonable cost.  
See Rule 633. When paying a group of bounty hunters for a job well done, I will do so with personal checks or, better yet, direct deposit rather than cold hard cash to avoid them killing and stealing from each other afterward. It's not really my business if they fight among themselves after the job is finished, but I may have use for their services again in the future.  
If the intended victim of my diabolical experiment, upon being told his dire fate, says “Well, actually, that would be OK”, or expresses enthusiasm, I should consider more carefully whether this victim is, indeed, suitable for my experiment.  
If any member of my Legions of Terror suggests a plan that consists of us sitting on our asses waiting, I will have them shot. They are clearly too stupid to be beneficial to me when alive.  
If The Hero has a belt, I will have it confiscated by one of my key allies first chance I get. Even if he's not useless without it or has others, I can at least have it examined and verified.  
While facelifts are useful in destroying the credibility of crones (as per Rule #203), I will not have my Legions of Terror use plastic surgery for any reason. Not even posing as an Evil Twin.  
I will have my department of research and development create less-lethal alternatives that will make it reasonably practical for my Legions of Terror to take someone alive if my plans call for it. Consequently, if I give the order to bring someone to me alive, there will be no excuse for any of my troops to willfully disobey that order.  
I will take control over any and all supermarkets in the realm. They will be the only place you can get any healing items and will require an identification for those to buy. This way, I will know when someone buys them in bulk as those people tend to become problems and The Hero will support my cause financially.  
All my mooks get a discount in the aforementioned supermarkets and any rewards towards civilians will be handed out in form of gift cards.  
If I have to put a bounty on the Hero's head, it will be redeemable by anyone. This will not only prevent infighting between my mooks or bounty hunters, but it will also serve to have my enemies surrounded by potentially hostile civilians. If The Hero is reluctant to hurt innocent people, that will prevent him/her from using any overkill attacks. If he/she doesn't care about harming civilians, I will use this to give him/her some bad PR. The bulk of people will also help to locate the target.  
I will not treat the hero's companions, family and love interests as any less of a hero than he or she is. Especially if they use The Power of Friendship and / or The Power of Love.  
See Rule 153. Teenagers, children and the Team Pet are not covered by prophecies that say "No man will ever defeat you" either.  
When training troops, I will not be afraid to bring them into battle. Rather, I will have the ones on the field be assisted by those in training, whenever by magical obitars, or holo-targeting. Either way, those training will learn from those in battle.  
Small-scale is smart, prototypes in small-scale better still. It's better as you can understand how your doomsday devices will work before going full-scale.  
Learn from Death Battle. Nothing says prepared like going Dante when The Hero is either an weapon master or Dance Battler who also plays a Glass Cannon, or going Guts if The Hero is a Mighty Glacier, is it's wiser to appear at points which the enemy must hasten to defend; march swiftly to places where you are not expected.  
In conjunction with Rule #2, snipers are given the green light to "Double Tap" their targets if given the faintest chance. If I'm evil, so should they.  
If, despite knowing that it never goes well, I need to brainwash an ally of the hero because of some quality or ability that only said ally has, I will immediately start devoting as much time and effort as possible to finding another way to get the same benefit (or at least close enough). Once I do I will dump the ally in the middle of nowhere and have no more to do with them. I’ll even leave them alive as long as they don’t have any sensitive information, since not kicking the dog always helps my own chances of survival.  
When I or my Mad Scientist play with syringes, it will be on incompetent but eager mooks from my side, not on prisoners, unwitting civilians, or anyone I actually need around, and especially not on myself.  
Related to the above, all major medical experiments will be conducted in the presence of a large team of trained operatives wielding a variety of weapons in case they don't turn out as hoped.  
When choosing a kingdom, I will keep in mind that geographical barriers like major rivers and mountain ranges, while cosmetically intimidating, also tend to form chokepoints, and carefully weigh whether they will delay the heroes by enough to make up for probably cutting off my escape later.  
Under no circumstances will I make my permanent base a floating/flying colony within gravity’s reach of a planet or star.  
In keeping with my status as an equal-opportunity employer, I will preferentially hire transgender and non-binary people as covert operatives. They will already be one level harder to match with whatever their original legal identity was, and already have experience adjusting major aspects of their appearance to better suit them.  
I will allow my Guards to use the restroom if they patrol an area for long periods of time. However, they must let the main security office know that they are leaving their post for a period of time. Any guard who uses the restroom for non-essential purposes will be fired by incinerator.  
As an addition to the previous rule, any time a guard suddenly starts vomiting or has diarrhea, I will assume that this is because of the hero.  
The restrooms will be monitored, even the stalls. The guards will be informed that this is purely a security measure however, and any guards trying to watch a feed of others in the restrooms will promptly be arrested.  
If I rely on zombies, skeletons, or any other kind of undead, I will not limit myself to reanimated humans. Why limit yourself to shambling skeletons when you can ride into battle on an undead dragon?  
Should I happen to place the hero(es) into a theoretically-winnable game, I will ensure anything, such as stronger weapons, a box that randomly spits out weapons, including those of questionable origin, sodas that somehow give them more power, workbenches, or a machine that powers up their weapons are immediately taken out and thrown into the nuclear vaporiser. Any outside assistance is also grounds for execution.  
In accordance with the above, the game will be in a simulation. However, any commands given will be monitored. Should any programmers or wardens who begin helping the hero, they will be summarily executed.  
My equal opportunity recruitment process will also allow for certain precautions. It may be equal opportunity, but it's still evil.  
In accordance with two of the above, if I have no other choice, I will construct the orbit generator somewhere inconspicuous and build a giant decoy elsewhere that looks like it's generating the orbit. The disguised generator will most likely be a coffee shop or bakery.  
Any third-party organizations are henceforth banned, double if they are named something along the lines of Wardens.  
Should one of my Mad Scientists have interactions with a perfectly normal looking foreigner of the same race, he will be monitored. If he begins to attempt to sabotage my superweapon in order to use my weapon against me, he's executed.  
I will wear a lightweight jockstrap or cup, with plenty of padding, just in case The Hero’s love interest hits on the bright idea of slamming her heel or knee between my legs. (As will my Legions of Terror.) Now it's her leg in trouble.  
If I employ sentry guns, I will program them to wait a few seconds after detecting a target to fire at it, while sounding a silent alarm when the hero(es) come anywhere near it, to maximize the element of surprise. Additionally, the wires connecting it to a power source will be concealed and reinforced, to prevent a stray shot from shutting it off.  
Any teleportation devices I use will only work correctly for myself, my minions, and anybody else I specifically include, and even then, only while the other side is free of obstructions, to prevent Tele-Frag. Unauthorized users will instead be jettisoned into limbo or vaporized.  
Any and all pieces of electronic equipment I use will have emergency power sources independent of the main grid.  
All monitoring devices in my Evil Lair will use thermal, X-ray, and sonar scanning, as well, to prevent being fooled by illusions or other such visual trickery. In addition, if it detects any discrepancies between these various views, it will sound a silent alarm to my soldiers. It will do the same thing if it's obscured.  
I will not leave the window to my apartment open when committing a murder.  
When for whatever reason I must escape the hero, whether on foot or by any other means, I will not run away from the hero, stop, and then wait for the hero to get close before resuming running away, or drive around the same area over and over again, repeat until we are stuck facing off in a duel to the death, I will simply retreat until I have completely shaken all pursuit.  
I will also not rampage around destroying everything in my path and scaring the crap out of witnesses while trying to escape from the hero. While placing obstacles to prevent the hero from being able to effectively follow me is always warranted, unless the hero is directly behind me there is no point in doing so. I will do everything possible to avoid leaving any sort of trail and be as inconspicuous as possible.  
Unless it interferes with my plan or I'm immune or can even reflect their effects, I will destroy or securely contain the McGuffin and or their Plot Coupon no matter what cost.  
If I'M the god that people are sacrificing to, I will not be picky about the things sacrificed to me. If I must, I'll pick a fairly easy to look for or common trait (like sluttiness or blue eyes). If for some demented reason I cannot, I'll try my best to give my cult some advice for the best victim.  
If I MUST leave my nemesis to the fate of a slow-moving death trap AND NOT MONITOR THEM MYSELF, I will NOT simply put one incompetent guard near the exit that can be easily seduced and with nobody to monitor them. I'll instead put my best of my elite guards (or just hyper-weaponized robots) at any exit and entrance point in my lair and at least 2 of my most trusted lieutenants to enjoy his/her fate for me. And videotape it and show me the tape (which will be analyzed for any kind of visual and auditory trickery), just on the off chance that my foes are now in disguise or can shapeshift.  
Regardless of how powerful I become, I will never claim to have deity-level significance. Such things have a nasty tendency to tick off the real thing, and seals the fate of many a good villain. No matter what assets I have at my disposal, I am a mortal. This goes doubly so if I somehow stop being a mortal... I might not be able to die, but that doesn't mean I can't meet a bad end.  
I will not use logic puzzles for security. I may post them though. I will memorize which door leads to my McGuffin storage and which to deathtraps. The door labeled with the correct answer leads to deathtraps.  
If I decide to take a day off to go revel with the hero in fun and games, I'll make a point of playing fair, but nowhere near my full potential. A loss here doesn't count for anything, and it will help make it so the heroes underestimate me, to say nothing about what it'll do for my image.  
If I am impersonating someone close to The Hero and can copy memories, I will not dismiss any of them, no matter how trivial-seeming, as unimportant. A trivial-seeming joke or children's rhyme may make or break my ability to pass myself off to The Hero as the one I'm impersonating.  
I will go out of my way to break up anything resembling friendship or love of the identified archnemesis group.  
If i'm a Walking Wasteland, ignore anything about going green so i won't disturb gaia's wrath.  
Troop conservation is essential. This isn't because of any of that nonsense about care or compassion, but because it's incredibly hard to get Elite Mooks by throwing everyone against a wall. Having heavy hitters is important, especially when we hit the point where numbers just won't get the job done. I will thus steer away from any mission that has an unnecessarily high death toll. Besides, my minions will be more loyal if they know I won't send them to their deaths.  
In tandem with the above, if I have an obscenely high number of troops, I will make good use of them, provided I can do so without getting half of them killed. Then again, a million simultaneous projectiles have a tendency to put down just about anything before it can deal much damage.  
If I have to off someone to keep my secrets, I'll be sure to include a good dozen or so unrelated decoy targets to obscure what, exactly, I might be trying to keep secret. In for a penny...  
I will not have any biological children, as covered on the original list, but that doesn't mean I won't have heirs. Instead, I will adopt from the local orphanage, and be a doting parent, in spite of my status as an evil overlord. This'll mean fewer entitlement issues, a better PR, and would give me a shot at having a kingdom that'll last beyond my death. If possible, I'll make sure this orphan is particularly sympathetic, as well, to deter heroes from depriving them of their adoptive parents.  
I will keep an ample supply of pursuit capacity in reserve, in a lesser-known section of my encampment, just in case The Hero hits on the bright idea of sabotaging my active vehicles before he escapes.  
If I see an object of seeming uselessness, I will still pick it up, since the hero may somehow MacGyver it into a super weapon.  
In accordance with the above, it will immediately be vaporized once I return to my lair.  
I will not force my Legions of Destruction to take an obviously impossible test. I will simply let them join.  
Spreading terror amongst the populace is expressly forbidden, unless it's not my populace.  
I will take advantage of any mistake the hero makes by allowing the mistake to play out.  
If The Hero's love interest offers to become my mistress, I will shoot her dead. After all, if shooting is not too good for my enemies or the hero as per Rule #4, why should it be any different with her?  
During my rise to power, I will not violate the law. There are plenty of ways to get around it without doing anything that's actually illegal. If the heroes want to try to stop my rise to power, they'll have to trump up charges to do it... which could easily earn the ire of their allies. Besides, once I'm in power, everything I do will be legal, anyway.  
If one member from my legions of doom suggests we sit on our asses and wait, as in rule 1011 above, I will first ask him why he thinks it's a good idea to so before having him shot. If he has a reasonable explanation, I will thank him for his advice and consider it. If not, then he will eat lead.  
If I have a device that allows me to come Back from the Dead, I'll be sure to test it thoroughly to prevent accidents, and, if at all possible, make improvements.  
While not necessarily in packs of 20, my Legions of Terror will travel in small clusters at arms' length when not on missions.  
My best pilots will not use any kind of Ace Custom vehicle as it detracts from the point of camouflage, unless all of my Legions of Terror are also allowed to use such vehicles, keeping in line with Rule 74. Similarly, my troops will be trained to focus fire on any vehicle that is painted differently from the rest of the enemy fleet.  
Despite the many tips on this list about keeping my fortress guarded and the Hero out, it is still inevitable that the hero will end up in my fortress and that the patrols I've set out will do jack shit to stop him. Instead of engaging him, I'll encourage my patrols to be totally compliant with the Hero and give him whatever directions he asks for. The secure channel they'll have open will ensure that I and the rest of the Legion of Terror know where to divert the bulk of my forces.  
If two squadrons of guards surround the hero in a hallway, they absolutely must yell something along the lines of "opening fire" before shooting. While the hero will inevitably duck under the incoming gunfire, it's way better than both squadrons opening fire at the same time, the hero ducking, and both squads shooting each other to bits accidentally.  
Should I acquire any chronokinetic powers, including the ability to freeze time, I will first ensure that I can do so for longer than 10 seconds, and ensure that the magic/technology that allows me to do so cannot be utilized by others or resisted. There is nothing more annoying than luxuriating over your enemy's upcoming demise in a world of frozen time only to get a sock to the gut, or to find yourself frozen because they also possess this ability.  
My troops won't be the tiniest bit sporting. If the hero and companions have left their healer, emotional crutch, or any other weak point vulnerable, my forces will concentrate fire on them. If this triggers a strong response of some kind, so much the better, as their response won't be as coherent. I, however, will not stoop to such tactics... it gives me a way of denying involvement, and my troops are significantly more disposable than I am.  
If, by some unfortunate twist of fate, I am forced to go into hiding, change my identity, or swap bodies with someone, I will ABSOLUTELY quash the urge to gloat about who I truly am to the one person who is too weak to stop me. Odds are they're either stronger than their appearance would belie, or The Hero is standing right behind me to listen in on this Engineered Public Confession.  
An obsessive need to maintain my anonymity that borders on psychopathy is not and endearing villainous trait, and I will see my psychiatrist about this.  
If I have somehow turned The Hero around to my way of thinking (or have at least gotten them to see things from my perspective) and they're asking me to prove I won't double cross them if they side with me, I will endeavor to not have anything on my person that would incriminate me or lead them to believe that I will try to double cross them. If I managed to get them to fall for my Hannibal Lecture, why throw all that effort out the window before they can even do anything for me?  
If I ever manage to obtain immortality, I won't foolishly squander it by flaunting the fact in front of my opponents... frankly, that's just asking for trouble. Instead, I'll just disappear for a while and beat out my opposition by simply outliving them. This might not be a particularly satisfying way of beating the heroes, but there's basically no other downside to it. I can make it look like I really did die in that last confrontation. If that doesn't work and I've been found, so what? They can't kill me, and attacking me for just being is bound to cause someone to question the hero's morality. And of course, if they don't try, I continue living anyway.  
Loaded or not, safety on or off, I will never, ever go to sleep carrying a gun.  
If my plans rely on The Hero or any of his companions being complete bastards, I'll be sure to include a means of dealing with them showing decency, instead. They're the good guys for a reason, and I won't have any of this "I didn't expect the heroes to be heroic" crap.  
If I must give a speech highlighting the similarities between myself and the hero, I'll take full advantage of every virtue I have. Nothing will knock the hero off his high horse faster than knowing the villain would do the same thing in their shoes.  
I will never do a *Click* Hello. I will instead do a *Bang* "Goodbye".  
My Legions of Terror will be trained not to immediately turn on each other if one of their bullets accidentally grazes another. If this seems to be one of their primal, uncontrollable instincts to attack whoever attacks them, I will position them such that they are more spread out and less likely to shoot each other.  
I will discreetly establish an arcade, casino, or something similar where the Hero can go play some fun minigames. The Hero will inevitably get Sidetracked by the Gold Saucer and let me continue on with my plans.  
If I am blind in any way, I will take a lesson from Toph. Even if I am not blind, I will still take a lesson from Toph, because having something akin to the Seismic Sense will pay off.  
Trying to be a This example contains a FlameBait entry. It should be moved to the FlameBait tab.Villain Sue will probably end poorly, so I won't even try.  
I will do my best to make the audience root for me to win. Especially if my opponent is a This example contains a FlameBait entry. It should be moved to the FlameBait tab.Marty Stu.  
I will take advantage of being an Evil Cripple if, by chance, I end up as one. After all, the average hero would likely have restraints about harming one with a disability.  
One weapon in the entire world that can do any harm to me? Nah, screw that. I will find it and destroy it so I can be truly immortal.  
If at all possible, I'll stay as far back as possible from the action. And if the heroes ever fight me, I'll try to set it up so that they don't necessarily have to in order to stop my plans... the after-plot Bonus Boss tends to be a lot tougher, anyway.  
Attacks will NOT have tells, color-coordination, or be labeled in any way to signify type, power, attribute, etc. If anything, I should trick the heroes into believing signs such as these are significant. Then, I will randomize the colors each time I use a new attack. Won't it be funny to watch the hero run face-first into an attack thinking it will heal them, only to be disintegrated?  
If part of my plan involves replacing people for whatever reason, I will do as much research into them as possible, right down to the amount of milk they pour in their cereal bowl.  
I will print out copies of any plan I make, hand some copies to Elite Mooks and my trusted lieutenant, and then keep spares on my computer.  
I will also have it drilled into my mooks' heads who is responsible for what part of my plan.  
All inspections will be scheduled and announced in advance. I will have it drilled into my mooks' heads that if a stranger is at the door for a "surprise inspection" of my base, the proper choice of action is to kill them immediately.  
If I split my soul into seven fragments and create Soul Jars, I will hide one of them between the couch cushions.  
If I make the first of a new race of ultimate life-forms and it turns against me, I will not attempt to make another until I figure out what went wrong the first time. I especially won't attempt to make the new version stronger.  
When I "retire" my minions for reasons other than treason or gross negligence, they actually retire. To a nice resort somewhere with a beautiful retirement villa for them and their family to reward them for their faithful service. This is good PR as I am seen as a generous Overlord and improves morale as my current minions have living proof that a rosy retirement awaits them. It also sets up communities already predisposed to be loyal to me and their children will grow up hearing what an awesome person I am. This makes an excellent recruitment pool of potentially skilled and loyal minions. In a clutch these veterans make excellent ad hoc advisors and in the worst case scenario they will likely try to avenge my death.  
When I have to team up with the heroes against a greater threat, my actions will be honourable, amicable and reasonable, and not those of a Dirty Coward. This is to plant in the heads of the heroes that I am the much lesser of two or more evils, and that our enemity is not personal, whether these are lies or the truth.  
My extremely dangerous chimera or robot's (de)activation switch will not be in the monster himself (let alone in its back), but in a remote that only I and my most trusted henchmen will have a copy of.  
Across the entire continent hosting the hero's family and/or hometown will be planted remote-controlled bombs in such a number that if they ever go off, whatever pieces of land remaining of said continent will sink into the ocean. The only dentonation condition will be my death. The hero will be notified of this.  
If I have the power to cause the extinction of mosquitoes, I will announce that I am about to cause the extinction of mosquitoes, then I will cause the extinction of mosquitoes. Doing the world favors is always a help.  
My Legions of Terror will not be allowed to bring food out of the canteen, mess hall, Bad-Guy Bar, or whatever kind of food-serving place that we have in the Fortress of Doom, lest the hero heal his entire health bar off of a whole turkey dinner that one of the mooks dropped.  
If the hero or heroes have a Trademark Favorite Food, all examples in my fortress will be poisoned. All my minions will know this. Anyone sent to the infirmary showing signs of the poison will be summarily executed. Either they are an infiltrator or terminally stupid.  
Should I ever encounter the hero as the final boss, the first action I will take will be to pull out a tennis racket and use it to hit a ball of energy at him. I will return the ball with another strike if he reflects it. After a few volleys of back-and forth with the ball, I'll just pull out a gun and shoot him. That'll catch him off guard.  
I will not accept immortality upon the slightest hint that it is cursed.  
I will not infuse the hero with said immortality, then keep him forever in an overheated room built with him inside 2000 feet underground exclusively for that purpose.  
My Legions of Terror will not carry to battle random items that could be nasty in the heroes' hands. They will simply carry a weapon and a simple emergency kit consisting on one potion, antidote, and antiparalyzer. All the equipment will autodestroy or warp to the fortress upon the soldier's death.  
As a corollary to the above, I won't give random key cards to all of them, either. Each one will be chipped to identify it as belonging to a certain minion, and if someone attempts to enter the base with a card belonging to a dead soldier, a silent alarm will be tripped.  
Giving copies of the map to my fortress to random mooks is a bad idea, so I won't do it.  
While there might be some use for it in the short term, anyone with a scream that can affect any given material element will be shot. The Hero has a habit of making really good use of sound-based power.  
I will make the functions and uniforms of my Mooks as unintuitive as possible, but keep them well-trained in their own capabilities. The Hero is gonna have a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that the soldiers with snowflakes on their helmets actually shoot lightning.  
My dressing will be modest, but I will encourage other henchmen to do the opposite. Thus when the hero breaks in, he'll immediately engage the colourfully dressed, menacing figures allowing me to simply blend in and leave or sneak right up to him as a background character and end him on the spot.  
No matter how intimidating or motivational it could be, I will not equip any vehicles my henchmen use with a foghorn that blares a continuous loop of Awesome Music the moment the ignition is turned, or at least not to the outside of the vehicle. Lest the heroes have a very obvious sonor cue to where my units are.  
The Strategy section of my Fortress of Doom will include a suggestions postbox. It will be accesible by anyone, even mooks, with a verifiable ID, and will be checked five times a day.  
I will consider the proper deployment and use of high-yield kidney bombs. Before any female agent is sent to seduce the hero, they will be fitted with one and a microphone without their knowledge. If they fail at their job by actually falling in love with the hero, I will blow them up when they sit together.  
Similarly if I ever capture the hero's Love Interest, a similar surgery will be conducted. Then, if he suceeds at rescuing her, I'll detonate the bomb the moment their distance becomes short enough.  
I will lovingly raise many talented children as my personal Tyke-Bomb squad. They will be loyal to me as a father figure and grow up to be capable lieutenants. They also make good playmates for my own children and ensure that generations of trusted underlings have family ties to each other. For those still young enough, I will send them against the hero surreptitiously. Either his morals prevent him from killing a Child Soldier or I can paint him as a murderer of children.  
Kill-happy minions will be kept strictly in the lower ranks. My tacticians and generals need more stable minds than that, and a raging psychopath is more useful when applied directly in combat.  
Under no circumstances I will ever play a game without a pause button. If a messenger suddenly arrives with what he claims is an important message, I have to be able to listen to him.  
I will procure as many of my soldiers as possible to have distinctive names and faces known to the heroes. Doubly so if I am in a Strategy RPG.  
All important doors will have at least three electronic locks and at least three that aren't.  
I will not use zombies, unless I already am The Undead. They are not profitable, no matter what Umbrella tries to tell you otherwise.  
I won't make an attempt for a hero or any of his buddies to turn to my side by other means than convincing them. All I'll end up doing is powering them up, pissing them off and not turning them to my side because they're able to resist the desired effect.  
I will not blackmail a defense attorney into getting me off the hook if I am wealthy enough to simply buy a less morally-scrupulous one.  
In order to preserve the prisoners' sanity, my prision cells will have a minimum of comfortablity. That will include decent matresses and warming blankets, a library, a computer with downloadable games, and a yard. Security measures will be applied, though: the computers can not access Internet, so the downloads will be handled by one of my main computers and tranferred to the prisoner's through a USB; they won't be wiredly or wirelessly connected to other computers; and the blankets will be attached to the beds.  
Under no circumstances will I attempt to blackmail or kill a Professional Killer for any reason.  
If I have to hire outside specialists, I will treat them well, address them respectfully, pay them well and if they perform well, give them an open invitation to join my organization, and never betray them.  
I will prefer time travel devices that leave a copy of me in the present. If I am going back, it will keep the world in fine hands until my comeback, and if I amn't, the future for that timeline will be favorable. If I do go back, however, it will be assassinated.  
Every computer password will be something ridiculously simple, as the typical hero often assumes that the password is something hilariously complicated. I will also rotate passwords on a daily basis, never using the same one twice in a month.  
If I commit a murder I want to get away with, I won't keep the weapon with me, nor leave it at the scene; I will throw it into a fire.  
If my minions start to form a labor union, I will let them. They are my loyal subordinates, after all, that's why they aren't loose, and that is better inspired if I allow them some kind of freedom.  
With almost no exceptions - if my name is Darkseid, for instance - If any member of the Justice League with a reputation, ESPECIALLY Comic Books/Batman, has been detected, I will dispatch a special unit equipped to deal with the most powerful metahumans and cut my losses while the rest of our forces evacuate, with every booby trap in our base active. It is unlikely they will succeed in defeating them and securing the MacGuffin, but it will buy us time to escape.  
If I use drones, robots, or any autonomous units in my army, I will keep them all up to date with the latest, most powerful antivirus I can afford. Anything not protected is almost guaranteed to be corrupted or hacked, and if in large enough numbers, will raze me to the ground, whether I am hero or villain.  
Similarly, I will have my drones, if not, my most elite units programmed with a self-diagnostic module that will allow it to check everything from its securely-fastened, environmentally efficient (if possible) battery to where external orders have come from. If the onboard AI detects any tampering, corruption, or unauthorized commands, it will raise all of its shielding at once, retreat from the field, enter standby, and re-route all power to an electric current flowing through it to ward off the hero, and a SOS beacon only detectable by my own custom software, so my IT department can locate it and identify what happened.  
My entire drone army will be programmed with an algorithm that will allow unmanned units to monitor and send commands to each other, and adjust tactics accordingly, with the self-diagnostic module above stopping hacking and corruption before it starts. This way, they can be ready for a number of situations. For example, If I have a squad guarding an area we can afford to lose, or better yet, a red herring, and a number are taken out, they will be able to switch tactics to allow the hero in, and enter an ambush position. If a high security area has been breached, all nearby drones will alert all units within 100 miles to the location. If a number of field drones go offline quickly, battle tactics will change to hit-and-run.  
In addition, my most heavily armored units will have trajectory analysis where in the event of a guerilla attack, they will be able to analyze where it came from and swiftly return fire fast.  
I will apply Hunger Games-type battles, only with paintballs instead of live ammunition, as a selection process for my Legions of Terror, never for actual combat or public spectacle. Anyone in my employ who has been confirmed to use The Spartan Way outside the training grounds for anything except an absolute last-resort emergency will be summarily sliced and diced.  
If a criminal is too dangerous to be sent to prison but with crimes too low, or any other reason that would make their execution undesirable, they will be put in cryogenic sleep, keeping them from escaping, from aiding a hero, and from dying and setting someone in a rage.  
If I ever run into an item that only the pure of heart may use, I will not touch it. Instead, I will have it nuked from orbit.  
If I have multiple fortresses, the layout will be similar but not identical. This way, any hero who remembers the layout of a different fortress will walk into what he thinks is the main control room, only to find himself in the execution chamber. If I have more than two fortresses, this will also tell me which one he has already stumbled into.  
I will regularly visit different places within my empire, both as the evil overlord and in disguise, in order to more accurately keep tabs on them.  
In order to assure I don't pick a plan that will end up in me failing in my goal, even if I do succeed, I won't consider it.  
Thermonuclear devices can be cleared to waste the hero if he is in a deserted zone far away from my realm.  
I will write a Constitution with a fair Bill of Rights for my people, fair in that it favors me, but gives them freedoms in areas.  
After taking the throne, I will not rename myself/take on a title of: Ceaser, Napoleon, czar/tsar, Khan, Glorious Leader, etc. etc. My ego will be restrained by my common sense.  
No more Russian Roulette with blanks will occur between the Mooks or upper leadership. I don't train idiots.  
Any and all hidden passages in my lair will contain deathtraps and not lead anywhere. None of my minions will ever use them, but prying heroes always seem to stumble on them...  
Adaptability is key; the first rule is to ensure my survival, so there is no shame in a temporary alliance with the enemy. If I get into a problem that only the hero can help me out with, I will ask or bargain for said help, and refrain from stabbing the hero immediately in the back once said help is given.  
In particular, I will make sure to consider survival if a being who threatens both of us introduces itself. We can always fight over the city later—if the world explodes into a fiery ball, that helps no one. Unless that's my plan, and I actually know how to survive and enjoy life in a desolate wasteland.  
I will not use a gigantic death machine to kill my victims, I will simply shoot them.  
If I must use a death machine, I will wait and watch their demise.  
And if I absolutely must leave, I will have several dozen guards posted, in case of his escape.  
If I must use the death machine, and I CANNOT remain in attendance, I will continue with my plan as if the hero were alive and free.  
If I believe I have the hero in my power, and he suddenly very calmly offers to help me in some way that will greatly benefit me provided I don't carry through with my murderous plan, I will take the offer at once. He might have one last trick up his sleeve, which will result in my immediate death if I refuse. Besides, I can always carry out my murderous plan later.  
I will try to take the time to notice the general mood and setting of the story I'm in and go from there. If I'm in a darker, more serious-mannered story-line, then I will feel free to stick around as a Villain. Sure, if I mess up, there is a good chance I will suffer a rather gruesome Karmic Death, but there is actually a pretty good chance that I will be allowed to ever win at anything at all. However, if the story is more light-hearted and it looks like it will stay that way, I will do myself a favor and try to come up with a remotely convincing Heel–Face Turn; otherwise, chances are I'll never know what victory is like.  
Should the hero/ine be This example contains a FlameBait entry. It should be moved to the FlameBait tab.beyond overpowered, I'm out of luck.  
Is the heroine wearing jeans or sweatpants and athletic shoes? Low-heeled anything? Hell, even pointy-toed shoes? I will avoid this female like the plague (for the sake of my future children). And I will never work alone when attempting to ambush or accost her.  
If a particular attack causes me to expose my weak spot, regardless of its otherwise effectiveness I will stop using it.  
If the only way the hero can damage me if by reflecting the orbs of light I fire at him, I will simply omit that move from my move-set.  
If in a fit of utter stupidity I construct a bomb with visible wires, I will not make any of them red. Alternatively, I will make them all red. In any case, when a wire is pulled or cut, it will blow up the bomb immediately.  
I will not try to use a machine or potion developed by my Mad Scientist without them clearly explaining to me what it is for and how to use it properly. Nor will I attempt to steal the powerful artifacts of another race without having them explain what they do and every stage of their use in detail. Whatever I do, I certainly won't do a Freeza and kill the lot of them only to realize that there's no one left to explain why the strange machine or ancient artifact isn't doing what I tell it.  
If the plot is approaching/in its climactic stages, I will not fall off anything. Not only am I guaranteed to die on impact, it's a pretty pathetic way to go when compared to being devoured alive by my own cyborg animal drones, for pity's sake.  
If I recruit an illegal organisation to do all the dirty work in my plans that I don't want associated with my squeaky clean image I will make they do not have the same initials as me or my business, re-naming one or the other if necessary. The irony is delicious, but all it does is tip off heroes.  
Despite many of the above pointers, sometimes it may actually be appropriate to gloat over my heroic nemesis. For example, it will be easier to corrupt his mind if he has already lost all hope in the future of the Heroic Struggle. However, should this be the case, I will not spend ages arranging a private demonstration for him that gives his allies plenty of time to prepare a rescue. I will simply describe it to him, and if he truly values his cause then that will be just as devastating. I will then get on with the brainwashing or whatever it was immediately.  
If I end up in an conversation with the heroes, I will either keep an affable behavior in hopes to be granted mercy or an faux affable behavior in order to get their guards down.  
If I have a reliable Dragon but then acquire a new one who does the old one's job even more effectively, I will not say "Excellent! As soon as we have disposed of your predecessor, you can be my new right-hand-man!" This will cause my old Dragon to turn on me in revenge, which is not a good situation to be in. I will instead say "Excellent! As soon as you have proved that you're not just here to back-stab me when you earn my approval, you can be my other right-hand-man." This goes double for my Mad Scientist, who by definition is unstable and therefore needs very little provocation to turn on me and is more susceptible to a fit of jealousy over their more talented replacement.  
Recruiting a new member of my villainous inner circle will require them to have spoken at some point in my presence. Anyone who never speaks the whole time they are on my side, even on probation, will not be considered. If it's a good guy in disguise, this makes them easier to catch. If it's an Eldritch Abomination, the mute ones are the most dangerous.  
I will not design a secret passage that can be activated by anyone with OCPD simply rearranging the books on my shelf.  
I will never tell The Hero "To keep the fight fun, I'll even let you have your weapons/friends back!" Being killed is really not that fun.  
Regardless of the chance it affords to have a unique and menacing weapon, I will never have my name carved/embossed on my Weapon of Choice. If I do that, I may as well include an address and P.O. Box to my hideout as well.  
If I use a villainous alias, I will consider the advantages of making it a long one so that when The Hero shouts "This is the end, !" it should give me a few crucial milliseconds (if not actual seconds) of reaction time to do something like start running, call the guard or get the first hit in. Not too long, though, or they'll just abbreviate it and defeat the entire point. Additionally, shortening "Bobalubastisos" to "Bob" is just embarrassing. There is, of course, no need to make this backlash upon myself. "Fear the wrath of !" is impractical but can be easily replaced by "Fear my wrath!" and give me the time I need.  
If I'm trying to hypnotize people or generally reduce their mental awareness through subliminal methods, I will go for the "intoxicating fragrance" method last. Wearing a gas mask will give the game away, not to mention the other many other things that can go wrong.  
If someone I trust tells me that I "truly deserve everything that's coming to you", I will stop trusting them. This is a favored use of Exact Words from undercover heroes where they can answer my question without having to lie. If they really were on my side, they'd just tell me that they think I'm brilliant.  
When brainwashing underlings, I will change their general overview of the world to match my ideals rather than a specific, rigid thought pattern that can fall apart at the slightest logical contradiction that they can't cope with, causing them to revert to their original personality. I will also not brainwash them in a way that can be defused by the power of Friendship, this may prove difficult as Friendship always seems to work.note  
If I am a Hero Killer, I will try to stay out of the spotlight as much as possible and make sure all of my kills are done in private. While I'm able to fight heroes, the more public I am about being a Hero Killer the more likely the next hero I fight will be the one to kill me. I'll also try to cover up as many of those deaths as I can, that way nobody goes on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge against me.  
If the weapon of ultimate power I desire changes allegiance through its master's defeat, I will determine its current master and defeat them before obtaining it from its resting place, especially if that person is one of my own.  
If I am stuck with huge air vents that could be used as passageways, either by choice or the lair has been taken over by yours truly, I will have a group of my top guards to patrol inside of them (with shifts to swap out to another set of guards). That way my enemies will be easily cornered if they go in there. It also helps said guards know all the possible vent locations and passage ways for them to surround. I myself would go do that myself at least once.  
I will generally avoid using evil clones, robot versions, shadow versions, or any other kind of minion that mimics the hero. While a Mirror Match is cool and all, evil versions of the hero tend to be costly to acquire, and the hero always seems to beat them regardless.  
If the hero needs to find the four MacGuffins to do anything that impedes me, I'll hide three of them normally and play it off like there are only three of them. The fourth will be buried under fifty tonnes of concrete under my base.  
My robotic minions will have safeguards to prevent them from parsing everything said to them; i.e., the hero can't just say something like "this sentence is false" or "what is one divided by zero" to detonate the robots.  
I will never create any monster, mutants or anything that has big destruction potential and has a mind of its own solely to be used as a weapon. If it has free will, it will become a threat at some point of its use.  
If there is anyone with immersive power and little clue about what they are or how to use them, or some heroes with their Unique Protagonist Asset, be it a little nun with silver hair, a bare feet girl with long blue hair or a innocent and naive albino kid. I will leave them be and never go after such a person to extract or use their power to my advantage, as by the time my force are able to catch up to them, they will probably have a much better grasp on their power and have gathered a team of powerful companions that will be really unhappy if I tried to him/her away from them. I will simply keep an eye on them.  
A lesson for minions: if you are assailed in the night, you never see your attacker and you have an arrow sticking out of your knee, no, it was NOT just your imagination. Anybody who thinks otherwise will be providing target practice.  
Organ Theft in no way requires the victim to be alive. This is VERY IMPORTANT if I ever plan to steal The Hero's organs once he's captured.  
I will do all drink-spikings myself. If I absolutely must have someone else do it, it will be my trusted lieutenant, not the victim's morally-conflicted father who is only cooperating because of blackmail.  
If I'm possessing someone else's body, I will make sure that the possession can't be reversed if the heroes defeat that person.  
If the Five-Man Band breaks up (usually it's The Lancer striking it out in their own) I will try to convince whoever split off from the party to join my side. Offering them what they fought me for will usually work.  
I will not under any circumstances have ceiling tiles in my prison cells. If I am forced to use an existing facility on a temporary basis and the only rooms suitable for use as cells have ceiling tiles, I will order the tiles and the supporting framework removed immediately, so that my prisoners cannot hide above them.  
Rather than "Clamor in the West, attack in the East," I will have Legions of Terror in each direction. As the hero's forces pick their area, the other Legions can box them in from wherever I have stationed them.  
My bases should be immune to the Konami Code.  
I will add entries with pitfalls and contradictions to other entries to that list, so that any hero or lesser villain reading the list to get the insight into villainous actions had the wrong expectations. Consequently, I will treat every entry added by other villains with suspicion.  
If I'm using some kind of Artifact of Doom to control the hero, I will keep it on my person at all times. Actually, scratch that: I'll put it in a safe that only I know the combination for. In any event, I certainly will NOT leave it lying around in the open for any dolt to waltz in and pick up.  
If it turns out my trusted lieutenant has offspring that are on the side of the enemy, I will appear understanding, but I will immediately start making preparations to replace him, including feeding him misinformation, decreasing security clearances, and early (and generous) retirement. Too often these parents turn out to turn against me if it even seems his kid could come to harm and it's even tangentially my fault.  
If my trusted lieutenant's offspring bests his parent in a duel and I am there to see, I will not encourage him to kill my trusted lieutenant and usurp his position. Instead, I will offer them the opportunity to work together (though the offspring will have to pass some indoctrination tests to make sure he isn't just doing it to spy on me). Not only will my trusted lieutenant not feel betrayed, but I will also come across as pro-family and probably earn his lifelong loyalty. If he declines my offer, I'll just kill them both immediately instead of torturing the offspring in front of the parent and guaranteeing them both turning on me.  
I will make my prison walls and floors unable to be dug through. The most embarrassing thing that could happen is when your guard says "They began tunnelling at the same time, we tried to stop them, but we were so spread out we couldn't! And we didn't have keys to open the cell door and catch them!"  
I shall have a garden, for my fruits, vegetables, herbs, spices, flowers and other plants, and they shall be grown in garden plots that are 10 feet long by 4 feet wide, with some obvious exceptions, like trees. There are many reasons for this, but include cheaper price for food, a distraction from all the things that come from being an Evil Overlord, and the size of the plots will make for a very convenient disguise for the graves of those who try to kill me.  
I shall make it easy for my subjects to have their own personal gardens. After all, the Hero seeing the subjects slaving away in large fields while being watched by Overseers is an obvious giveaway that I am an Evil Overlord. The Hero seeing that the subjects are happily working in their own personal gardens should fool the Hero into thinking that I am not an Evil Overlord.  
On the subject of prisons, I will make them be high up in the sky in some variation of a flying fortress. And do my best to have none of the heroes' or any other enemies I'll have noticed this fact (maybe even using illusion spells if it keeps up the illusion of a ground-based prison). If only to see them try to dig their way out and promptly go into a +1000 feat drop and laugh in amusement.  
On the subject of gardening, I shall set up various buildings to mimic the climates of areas that are different from mine, so that I can grow fruits and vegetables that require either cooler, or warmer, or wetter, or dryer, regions than the area I rule, as maybe I want to be able to have oranges and spinach nearby. At least, this is what my enemies will believe the main purpose of these buildings are for, and while they will be used for this, I shall use them to get my forces ready for the climates of the areas I plan to attack - won't those Russians be surprised when my forces are prepared for their extremely cold winters, and those oil-rich countries in the Middle East will find me knocking on their doors, and I'll march through the swamps of Florida to take over Disney World!  
Speaking of prisons, if space forces me to stick a pair of lovers in the same cell, the guard is not to personally look in the cell if he hears the sound of the lovers making out. Instead, he is to use a mirror to check to make sure that the pair are not setting up a trap, or some such thing. Alternatively, security cameras can be used to check on the occupants. The last thing I want is for my guards to be called Peeping Toms. The worst thing is for them to get stabbed in the eye, and potentially killed, by someone setting up a trap.  
If I invade an enemy's land, and I order my men to not harm villages/towns/cities that are filled with non-combatants, I expect it to be obeyed. I do not employ idiots after all, and I'll see to it that those who disobey are suitably punished. After all, how am I supposed to get tribute from my new subjects if they are dead, or wish me dead? Also, attacking non-combatants is a sure-fire way for all of my enemies, even those who hate each other, to come together and destroy me.  
If I am the leader of a group of killers and bandits in the Apocalypse, and I encounter a village of farmers, I shall not attack them. History and Fiction have plenty of graveyards filled with those who attacked peaceful farmers. Even if they do not kill me directly, they just might weaken me enough for someone else to do the job, or it might inspire someone to come after me for revenge.  
If the group of killers and bandits I am the leader of contains five people, including myself, I shall give my men certain instructions, and see about integrating them into the village of farmers, although to allay suspicion, I might have them admit to having done the things that were necessary to survive, such as killing those who tried to kill us, robbing the dead, and other such things, we just won't say we did it for fun. I shall see that I'm one of the Village Leader's advisers, place my men in key places, or at least key locations, such as a lookout, training the farmers to defend themselves, place one in a location near the armory/food storage. Then, when some idiot tries to attack, and the villagers fight back, I shall see to it that the village leader ends up dead, one way or another, use it as motivation to kill the enemy, and hopefully I'll be picked as the new leader.  
If the typical punishment for murder is to freeze me for thirty years, I shall not frame my foe for a similar crime as mine. After all, if in thirty years, I'm still physically thirty, and he's sixty, I might have the edge in getting my revenge, as he'd be going downhill physically while I'm still in my prime. Hopefully the future doesn't give him things that make him a Super-powered long-living badass grandfather.  
If I am the leader of a "Peaceful Utopia, save for that small band of scraps that live in the sewers who are disruptive but do no real harm", if I thaw out a criminal who has been enhanced, yet programmed to not kill me, if said thawed minion claims that he needs help in taking down his target, but doesn't want the help enhanced, I shall program the other minions to not be capable of killing me either, just in case my head minion decides to tell one of them to kill me.  
If I am the thawed minion who has been programmed to not cause the death of the above asshole who has taken away the right to be an asshole, I shall arrange for an accident to occur to him, such as accidentally shoving him off the edge of some stairs, so that he breaks his neck. Also, you'd be surprised at what you can live through.  
If I am unable to bury those infernal would-be assassins in my garden, or if their bodies prove to stink too much to disguise it with the scent of flowers, I'll bury them under the compost pile, which will be made up of manure, rotting food, and other such foul-smelling things, which will turn into that nice earthy-scented stuff that I can use around my plants, providing me with wonderful fruits and vegetables, and my beloved will be happy that her roses and other flowers always win those blue ribbons at the garden shows.  
If I end up in The Walking Dead universe, I will not mess with Rick Grimes, and I certainly will not attempt to harm his son. One-handed or not, he'll tear out my throat, gut me like a fish, break my leg, run me over with a car and, if I'm lucky, he'll kill me. If I'm unlucky, he'll leave me for the Walkers.  
If my ancestor, who was a murderous outlaw, got the property that is the basis for my family's Corrupt Corporate Empire, by killing his partner, if an old man comes to me claiming to have proof that he's descended of the murdered partner, and thus the rightful heir to the property, along with his granddaughter, whom he wishes to send to a high-end collage, I shall have the claim investigated, and if found to be true, I shall give the old man enough money to have a place at a fancy retirement home, enough money to send the granddaughter to a collage of her choosing, and give them a nice share of the business. While it might be tempting to have them killed and not give anything away, those pesky investigators would find me out anyways, and I'd lose all of my money, instead of just some. Besides, it would look good for the Press - "Descendant of Outlaw gives back to Descendants of Victims". Also, locate ancestor's other victims' descendants, and give them some money as well. All of that money that I give away adds up to a nice tax write-off.  
If I'm forced to recruit prisoners to be part of my military, I will avoid Arsonists, Murderers, Rapists and Lawyers, as they are too unpredictable to be reliable in any case, and have a tendency not to obey orders. If that's all I have, I'll just put them in front of my Armed Troops, and send them towards the enemy, where they will act as bullet shields for my more reliable forces, and they will not have any weapons given to them, for it would be foolish to arm them in the first place, and they can steal their own from the enemy. As for the others, once they have proven to not to be dangerous to my more reliable troops, I'll still put them in dangerous places with dangerous jobs, like clearing those fields strewn with landmines. That being said, I will not force P.O.W.s to serve me, as they'd probably sneak back to their forces the first chance they got, or send them intelligence, or something that wouldn't be good for me.  
If I end up in that Old West town called North Fork, I shall not cause trouble in the General Store, nor will I cause trouble with that aging Marshal, nor will I mess with a certain Sodbuster's son. With over a hundred notches on his customized Winchester, there's a reason Lucas Mc Cain is called The Rifleman.  
Related to The Walking Dead and The Rifleman examples above, if my main enemy has a child, or is taking care of a child, I shall personally see to it that no harm comes to that child. After all, twenty of my minions can easily beat the crap out of the Hero, while the other thirty take their turns, while I keep an eye on the child. But, the moment that one of my more foolish minions decides to even look at that child in a funny way, that's always about the time that the Hero finds himself filled with the strength of a hundred men, and easily defeats all of my minions, tears me a new behind, and then takes the kid fishing, or something.  
If my enemy is as strong as a hundred regular men, I shall simply bring a hundred and one men, and see to it that each of them are as strong as a hundred and ten regular men! I shall also see to it that I'm twice as strong as all of my men put together, so that they didn't get any funny ideas.  
If I'm forced to issue face-concealing helmets to my forces, guards that are sent to investigate breaches of security and thus encounter a lone guard, or a lone survivor, or even stragglers, the investigators are to order the lone guard to take their helmet off, if it is safe to do so. This will confirm their identity, if nothing else.  
If face-concealing helmets are issued, and it is not safe for those lone guards to take their helmets off, investigators are to place them in a special set of restraints, after which, the guard in question is to say the password, "Your shoes are untied." This, along with bio-metric sensors that can confirm the guard's identity, will prove if the guard is one of mine, who would automatically be released, or an impostor, who will then be injected with a sedative for future questioning.  
If an Evil Entity, who plans to destroy the world, and could easily defeat me, is currently engaging the Hero, and has them on the ropes, I shall call up all of my fellow villains, as well as all of those who have been inspired by the Hero, explain the situation, and tell them it would be in their best interests to cooperate for once, in order to save the planet, for it is difficult to rule a ruined planet. Also, we can kill each other later.  
I shall see to it that my minions, while looking for deserters, are instructed to attack only if it's necessary, and they are lead by someone with competent diplomacy skills, just in case they meet up with members of another group. After all, the last thing I want them to do is to make an enemy out of the wrong people, whom those deserters might decide would make good instant allies. The best thing would be to make those strangers our own allies. The second best thing would be to not be enemies with them.  
If I am to be defeated, and am about to be defeated, I shall order my forces to cooperate with the victors, and to not become bandits or those guys who keep fighting after the war is over. That's because that would tear the Empire, which I worked so hard to build, apart, and that would be even worse than defeat. After all, if the victors prove to be worse at ruling than me, there would already be those ready to Restore the Empire, and lead a movement to toss those fools out, and, if possible, restore me, or another handpicked successor, to the throne.  
Much like the prophecy regarding my death at the hand of my offspring, if I hear of a prophecy regarding my death at the hands of a member of some other tribe, or alien race, and the prophet has proven reliable in the past, I shall seek out this tribe or alien race, and make them my allies. Then, I shall seek out the family of my future killer, and adopt them into my family. Then, once I locate my future killer, or they are born, I shall declare them to be my heir. After that, I shall be like an uncle or a grandfather to them, showering them with gifts, listening to them when they need advice, and when the day comes that they do kill me, it would be an accident, but hopefully, things will be set up for them to take my place.  
I will make sure that all my traps, my guards' weapons and my own weapons are extremely Boring, but Practical. There is no point in creating elaborate traps, when a good old-fashioned spike-pit works just fine.  
I will conduct monthly Employee Satisfaction Surveys, to ensure that my employees are happy with their job. If they aren't happy, they will be reassigned to other positions, if such a reassignment would increase their level of satisfaction. Happy employees are less likely to betray you, and besides, it's stupid to just kill employees because they don't like a given job.  
If I am a criminal leader whose gang is set in a location that has aliens, monsters, mutants, various fairy tale creatures, and all of those other sorts of things, to say nothing about the supernatural, if the group I'm the leader of enters a bar, tavern, restaurant, or another type of eating establishment, only to find out that it is the local law enforcement officers' favorite place to dine, I shall see to it that my men don't try anything funny, and that we just order our meal to go. Cops and guards of all sorts take their eating and drinking very seriously.  
Related to the above eating establishments, if set in a world filled with adventure, and aliens, and monsters, and all else, if my gang has to take a hostage in the law enforcement officers' favorite eating establishment, and my men take a young woman hostage, but the lawmen sit back down, resume drinking and eating, and only say "Don't hurt them too much", I shall safely assume that the woman is more than capable of wiping the floor of me and my men, and that she might be highly trained, have special powers, and might not even be entirely human. I shall order my men to let her go, escort her back to her table, pay for her meal, and apologize for any inconvenience, and then take the big scary-looking guy hostage. Granted, we might still get our asses kicked, but at the very least, no one will say that me and my men were beat by a girl.  
I shall see to it that food is available to everyone, even for the poor who don't have any money. This will be some sort of meat, vegetable, fruit, bread, dairy, and even a dessert, and will be available for for breakfast, lunch, dinner/supper, and even just before bedtime. People who have plenty of food are less likely to complain about things like taxes, and are less likely to rebel against my rule. Also, the Heroes can't say that the masses are starving, when all of them are well-fed. The meals will be healthy and tasty, although those with money can chose more exotic foods. That being said, every child shall get their favorite food on their birthday, or nameday, or whatever day they celebrate as their special day. They'll love me for it.  
I will never carry out any plan that might provoke a rebellion in the future, unless the rebellion can be stopped preemptively.  
Should the Hero make it past all the traps and guards, I will inquire about his motivation for entering my fortress. In the event that he isn't driven by a desire for revenge, I will offer him a position as my new Security Advisor, since he must have found some kind of hole in the security.  
The Main Control Room, Throne Room and Ancient Artifact Storage will all be completely inconspicuous rooms, so as to not draw unwanted attention from the Hero. In fact, my Throne Room will be a randomly chosen quarter, and the Main Control Room will be a randomly assigned living room. These will change every morning to make it harder for the Hero to find it.  
Whenever I hold a staff meeting, the head of every division will send a proxy in his place, as will I, while the leaders and myself are in separate isolated and well-protected, yet not suspicious-looking, buildings, monitoring the meeting remotely. This way, even if the Hero storms into the fortress and survives all the traps during a meeting, he won't find anyone actually important to the organization.  
If forced to use those stupid face-concealing helmets, in the event of an infiltration by the enemy, if the squad sent to investigate locates the guards at the location, the investigators are to shout "Your momma is ugly!" to which the rightful guards are to respond, "Well, your father always had the lights off when they did it!" This is to signal that all is well within the ranks.  
If a squad of guards greats a squad sent to investigate a disturbance with the phrase "All Hail the Emperor!" (or whatever I chose to call myself) it means one of three things - those guys are impostors, or the enemy has infiltrated their group, or the enemy is right around the corner, hiding.  
I shall never take that harmless-looking person hostage. It never ends well. They tend to be highly trained, have powers, and may not be as harmless as they appear.  
I shall never bully a dragon, nor will I ever mug a monster. Those things never end well. Also, the last guy that bullied a dragon was burned to ashes, and that fella that mugged the monster had his bones used as toothpicks.  
If I decide to make magically, or scientifically, enhanced plants, like those Venus Man-Trap plants I hear so much about, I shall keep them away from my regular garden. I don't want my Man-Traps to cross-pollinate with my wife's prized roses, again. Of course, said crosses were kind of cute, and have proven effective at keeping down the number of would-be assassins that try to climb up the thorny vines, only to find that the flowers are full of teeth, and they are just beautiful. Any future cross-breeding will be conducted at a fair distance away from my regular crops.  
No matter how much I wish it, I can't live for forever, so I shall have things set up, for my eventual death, no matter the reason.  
I shall see about grooming a successor to take my place. That being said, I shall see to it that he is given competent advisers, to assist him in the case he isn't quite ready for the job.  
I shall see to it that my successor's advisers are loyal to him, but they have Standing Orders from me to disagree with him if my successor plans to do something that would destroy all that I had built. If need be, they can, under My Orders, legally overthrow him, and insert a more competent ruler.  
My soldiers will be loyal to my Successor, and are under orders to kill disloyal advisers that plan to seize the empire for themselves, unless the advisers show clear proof that my successor will ruin the empire.  
If my Successor is going to cause the destruction of my empire, and the Advisers are more loyal to him, than to me, my Soldiers, from the highest ranking general, on down to the newest recruit, have Standing Orders to dessert on mass, and join the Rebellion, and they are to declare the leader of the rebellion to be my rightful Successor, providing that they themselves have proven to be a competent leader in all regards.  
I will not take up smoking nor encourage my Legions of Terror to smoke. Too much could go wrong.  
I shall personally set up a Resistance Movement against my rule. That being said, they shall not actually try to overthrow me, and shall instead find reasons as to why people would want to overthrow me. In this manner, I shall be able to change certain policies that would cause a massive rebellion, and mitigate the worst of the effects. For instance, if the reason folks would want to overthrow me is because I demand way too much tribute from them, I can lower the amount of tribute folks need to give me, which will make them less likely to revolt against me.  
Said Resistance Movement shall be lead by my most competent officers, specifically ones who are not in the Public Eye. They shall only act against my rule in the event that my Successor proves to be too destructive for the Empire.  
Soldiers who follow my Standing Order to dessert in the event that my Successor proves to be too destructive are to join the Resistance, or, if need be, form their own. Those who join a Foreign Power shall be considered traitors.  
I shall see to it that my advisers includes at least one Token Good Teammate. Their job is to tell me why it would be a bad idea to do something evil. If it is a moral reason, I'll ignore him. If there is a practical reason, I'll listen to him. For instance, if I plan to destroy a village, and he tells me that people would die, I'll ignore it, but if he tells me that the place grows a special flower that can cure the sickness that has been affecting my troops, I'll take it over instead. If he tells me that the village is friends with a being that destroys those who try to conquer the place, I shall seek out a trade agreement with the village, and a non-aggression pact with the village's protector.  
I will remind my legion of doom that land mines, rocket launchers, tanks, jet fighters, gas bombs and helicopters exists. Seriously though, what is the point of making this things if no one is going to use them.  
Fragile speeders will be equipped with smoke booms and knives, glass cannons will be equipped with long range weapons, the mighty Glacier will have a minigun, lightning bruisers will be part of my elite hunters.  
I should start investing in better armor as well as a mobile command centre.  
My troops will be trained not to flee if a commander or one of my elite tropes dies as the hero will likely be weak after the battle. However, if the situation is too dire, they will retreat.  
If my troops see a coin or stone tossed in their direction, moving bushes or cardboard boxes, moving shadows or someone turning quickly around the corner, they will sound the alarm.  
The same applies for bumps in the night, unknown voices arguing, weird whispers in dark areas and muffled gagging.  
If I have the budget, I will invest in night vision goggles/helmets. If I live in the medieval ages, I will teach my troops night vision spells or enemy detect spells.  
If I get reports of a group of adventurers or heroes tearing through my troops through sheer dumb luck or stupid (In some cases smart)tactics,they should prepare for drone or air strikes. In the medieval ages, it will be a good ole fireball.  
Troops who show extreme skill in certain areas, such as marksmanship or swordsmanship will receive advanced training and become combat specialists.  
I will build my safe house in Hawaii or other exotic locations. I will also have a special safe house in Antarctica if thing go to hell.  
If it’s even possible, I will make sure that my army has no such things as mooks or meat shields.  
Healers, leaders and the hard hitting hero will be priority targets.  
The heart of the five man band dies first.  
Instead of shooting at armored enemies with normal bullets, I will remind my troops that explosive weapons and anti-armor bullets exist.  
I will post guards or snipers on rooftops as heroes tend to gather and plan there 50% of the time. The other 50% will be sewers, inns or their main base.  
If I see or get reports of columns of light, I will send a scout team to investigate, if it is a angel sent to help the hero I will launch a MOBA . If it’s a god, I will inform the devil as this will get me on his good side.  
My security cameras will have, night vision, thermal vision and sound detectors.  
I will find ways that will increase my budget. But it will not be too extreme.  
If the hero somehow gets into my main chamber, I will talk to him while my crack snipers pull the trigger.  
The ultimate blacksmith will be on my payroll and he will also be moved to my R&D HQ. If he refuses to make any weapons for me or has already sided with the rebels, he dies.  
The master swordman, marksman, wizard/witch will also be under my payroll.  
Instead of teaching specific troops how to use guns, magic or swords. I will teach all of my troops how to use guns, magic and swords.  
Those who force me to correct their spelling and grammar in their action reports shall have their fingers removed, and the rest of them tossed into a deep crater. I may not be a Grammar Nazi, but one must have standards. That and basic spelling and grammar is a big plus. Also, correct punctuation and spacing helps. Perhaps I should send them back to school instead, and force them to learn how to write correctly, as that might be the more evil option.  
If an old flame of mine contacts me, and tells me that I have a child through them, I shall demand a paternity test. I do not want to pay child support on a brat that isn't mine! That being said, if the child is indeed mine, I shall start making payments, plus interest. I shall even set up a trust fund for the child, and, if possible, spend time with them.  
If a long-lost child of mine has been abducted by one of my Evil Foes, and they are demanding money, my surrender, the MacGuffin I worked so hard to get, I will contact the Hero, and inform them of the situation. If nothing else, they will probably rescue the kid.  
If forced to rescue my own flesh and blood, I shall remind the assholes who kidnapped them that I am still an evil bastard, who won't hesitate to tear them limb from limb! The fact that they also kidnapped my offspring is just extra incentive to do so!  
If I succeed in rescuing my offspring from my Eviler Foe, just as the Heroes, or the police, show up, or my child has a clear view of what I might do, I shall let the Proper Authorities take the kidnapper away, and turn myself in, with plans to escape later, so long as my foe keeps their mouth shut! If my foe is foolish enough to threaten to do it again, I shall rip their head clean off! If nothing else, my enemies should get the message - Don't Mess With My Children!  
If in Mossflower, I shall avoid that red-stone abbey. Lots of people have been beaten by those monks, and their woodland allies, to say nothing about that sword their Hero wields. Likewise, I shall stay away from that old volcano. Those hares, despite their foolish and gluttonous mannerisms, have a reputation for being deadly fighters, and those badgers love nothing more than a good fight. That being said, I shall be careful around vermin warlords, especially those who have a reputation of murdering would-be allies. I should also keep in mind that everyone's strategy in this universe basically boils down to "charge headfirst into the enemy and hope they're not classified as 'vermin'," so I'll bring in higher tech weapons (and power supplies) and/or forces with more advanced strategies if I can.  
I will start training combat medics, engineers and ammo suppliers.  
Instead of sending my army against the heroes, I will see if one crackshot sniper or elite hunter can do the job.  
I will not taunt the hero, I will instead shoot his head off.  
There is no such thing as relaxing on the job. Any guard who relaxes on the job or something similar will get a kick to the jaw.  
I will remind my troops that they can use their legs to kick the enemy.  
I should take notes from morden day prisons as well as their armies.  
All cults shall be banned or killed, I don’t want a moron to summon the demon that will end the world. I also don’t want a “good” cult to summon a angel that will guide the hero.  
Why am I in a Cellblock?  
I will never summon the Eldritch Abomination.  
I will invest in bulletproof shields as well as deployable cover, deployable bared wire or traps works too.  
I will remind my pilots that flares exist.  
Since most of the hero’s mothers dies during birth which will lead to them becoming heroes, I will find a way to stop women from dying during birth. This will also increase my PR to the maximum. If it works, I will sell it or teach it to other countries for trillions of dollars.  
Anybody with a harem dies. Nowadays only heroes have harems.  
I will develop smart glass, also known as a Aimbot.  
I will develop anti-magic equipment.  
In my realm, ”plot” armor does not exist.  
I will train my troops not to yell out every single command or attack in battle. Especially when attacking from behind.  
I will enlist guard dogs in my army as they can sniff out my enemies. They are also great for tearing out throats. That's why it's important they are properly fed and maintained instead of starved and trained to develop a taste for human flesh.  
If I have the ancient weapon that will defeat me, I will blast it into the sun.  
Raping the hero’ love interest will usually result in my death, especially if I force him to watch it. The same applies to my troops.  
When me or my troops are training, I will blast perturbator or carpenter Burt music. This will increase training effectiveness by 1000%.  
Fragile speeders as well as jack of all-stats will learn basic parkour. Lightning bruisers will learn advanced parkour.  
I will convince the chessmaster to leave me out of his game.  
I will train my army to use the final stand tactic. If it works so well for heroes, it will work well for my troops. As a side note, any troops who survives final stand will get a promotion.  
I will invest in special ammo. Etc: explosive bullets, incendiary bullets, poison bullets and so forth.  
This list is ridiculously overpowered. Also, is the list going to be cleaned-up or updated.  
Of course these lists are going to be overly powered. This is the Evil Overlord List, not the Good Overlord List.  
I will kill those who make stupid comments, unless they actually make sense for once.  
I will see about getting intelligent man-eating monsters to join my side, but they will be instructed to eat only my enemies, and not those peasant villagers. Those who refuse to listen to me, I will see to it that they are killed. Either way, the villagers will be grateful that I solved their monster problem, and will have no issues giving me tribute.  
Likewise, those bandit gangs that refuse to join me will also be killed, and the heads of the leaders and top men will be sent to the other gangs as a warning. After all, anything that interferes in my forces collecting tribute is a treat to my empire. That being said, by getting rid of those bandits, the villagers will have less issues paying.  
I shall never launch an attack on the Holidays. That's Bad Karma no matter what, especially when the Hero teams up with Santa, The Easter Bunny, The Great Pumpkin, The Leprechaun, the Tooth Fairy, The Giant Turkey, and those guys whose names no one can remember, but represent a holiday nonetheless.  
I shall never say "Nothing of this Earth can kill me!" Odds are, I'll have an encounter with someone from Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, Mars, Alternative Universe, or Fiction, who can, and does, have the ability to kill me, and they'd utterly vaporize me.  
I shall never kill someone while uttering "In the Name of the Lord!" or some variation thereof. Odds are, the Big Guy doesn't look too kindly upon those who kill in His names, and sees to it that they are rewarded as they deserve, with a lightning bolt, thus sending the person to Hell, where they find themselves in a really Hellish situation.  
I will inform my troops that tanks are made for long range combat, not close quarters combat. That's what APC are for.  
I will train my troops to use hand gestures, facial expressions and body movement to communicate instead of shouting halfway across the battlefield.  
Never cross the moral event horizen, it will end with your death.  
I shall hire a professional doctor to teach my troops the layout of the human/alien bodies. That way, they know where to hit.  
My doomsday weapon will be a simple nuke. Preferably the Tasr bomb.  
Any troops who take drugs, show up drunk on duty or drink during their duty will get a kick to the jaw.  
If I find out that a cop has teamed up with a minor criminal, or a By-the-Book Cop has been partnered with a Cowboy Cop, I shall have them killed immediately, for it always seems that those guys, whose personalities seem to clash, each pick up different clues, and end up piecing them together, which leads to my downfall. Worse yet, they become best friends, and sometimes, something more.  
If I am an Immortal Evil Overlord who has flung his foolish foe into the future, where my evil is law, I shall be smart enough to figure out when and where he'll pop out at so that I can have him killed the very moment he comes to the Present. I don't ever want to see him again, even in time.  
If my foe carries that one weapon that can kill me, I shall keep an eye on him at all times. I don't want to find out that he had lost it fifty years ago, when I last personally saw him, only to find out two episodes too late that he had already regained it.  
If I have captured the Hero, and have taken away that one weapon that can kill me, I will not have his soon-to-be execution televised. That only brings out all of the friends he had made over the past fifty years, to try to rescue him. Granted the pathetic fools won't be able to harm me, much, but it might distract me at that critical moment, allowing the Hero to escape, reform my previously-brainwashed daughter, get his weapon back, and get back to that moment just after I flung him into the future and - What? Are you back already? No, Wait!  
Whether it is a bullet, an arrow, a crossbow, or a laser-based weapon, I will not waste my one remaining shot on a petty vendetta. Save that shot for my opposite number, when I have a clear undisturbed shot at him alone.  
If need be, I shall cite the sources that I use for my examples - rules 1315-1317, for instance, come from Samurai Jack, and describe just how Aku was defeated.  
I shall also inform those who want to have a discussion to use the Discussion Page, not the List Page. Those who fail to follow this will be fired, out of a cannon! Into a wall of spikes! For there is no such thing as Overkill!  
I will have a large and robust spy network to feed me information. Information that is useless to me but useful to others will be sold at a high price.  
Instead of running around corners or running through the battlefield like a headless chicken, I will teach my troops to peek around corners and remind them to observe their surroundings. Any troops who can’t learn these simple tricks will get a kick to the jaw.  
Alternatively, instead of kicking those failures in the jaw, I might have them be given an "Important Assignment", and have them forcefully parachuted into my enemy's countryside, scattering them all over, and thus distract his forces long enough for me to launch my real attack, while my enemy's troops are scattered chasing those failures of mine. I might even be nice to those that survive this, and let them become farmers, or something that won't interfere with my plans too much.  
If I can shapeshift (or is trying to gain the ability to do so), I will exploit social justice to my advantage by turning onto a selected minority (like a black, jewish woman).  
My private/escape plane will be the SR-71 Blackbird. Good luck catching me!  
Actually I will tell my R&D team to reverse engineer the Blackbird to make different and more powerful versions of it. The heroes won’t expect a naplam bomb from 70000 feet from the sky.  
If my elite troops and commanders are being slain by the heroes through dumb luck, their own incompetence or through “smart” tactics that are predictable, I should start hiring or training better troops. I should also start to hire the best mercenaries in the world.  
I will train my troops not to show any mercy or emotions, any troops who show emotions or mercy will be “offered” the glorious position of suicide bomber. As well as a kick to the jaw!  
On the other hand, if my troops have a valid reason for showing mercy, such as the fact that the person is the only one who knows The Cure to that illness that's been ravaging my forces, or if their lifeforce is connected to a bomb that will blow up my country if the person dies, or something else of vital importance, I shall not punish them, and might give them a nice reward, like a house on the beach in Miami, or some such thing.  
If my enemy decides to sync up a bomb that will blow up my country to his lifeforce, if he is a Hero, I shall call him out for it, and with any luck, he will deactivate the bomb out of shame. If he is an eviler villain, I shall contact the Hero and let them know that this eviler villain is holding my people, some of whom are innocent, hostage, and he will deactivate the bomb for me, at which point I will blow the head off of the eviler villain. As for the Hero, it will depend on if I'm feeling generous.  
If the forces of me and one of my enemies has just had to work together against a common foe, I shall compare the strength of our respective forces to see if it's worth it to conquer my enemy's lands. If taking them over is worth it, I shall do so. If taking them over would weaken me too much, I shall go back home to rebuild.  
If my forces and those of the Hero are forced to work together, I shall instruct my forces not to attack those of the Hero, despite any personal enmity they might have with someone on the Hero's side. After all, their body might absorb an arrow, or bullet, or otherwise take a blow that might have been meant for them, and likewise, their own bullets and arrows and blows might be the one that downs a particularly dangerous enemy. That being said, accidents do occur on the battlefield.  
If a Coattail Riding Relative shows up, and tries to mooch money off of me, tries to get positions for them and their friends within my organization, and demands obedience from my troops, I shall drop them into my enemy's base, and then send an encoded message that I know the Hero will pick up, stating that said relative is "My Greatest And Deadliest Agent". With any luck, they will kill them for me. That being said, if my relative manages to turn the tables on the Hero, and manages to kill them instead, or otherwise evict them, I might give my relative some money, and authority, and point out that they are now in charge of my new secondary base.  
I will remind my troops not to charge at the hero hiding behind cover. Grenades exist for a reason.  
There is no such thing as the power of friendship and love. Teamwork and rage on the other hand......  
I will not promote my relatives into positions that they are not capable of doing. They will have to earn it like everyone else, and I'll expect more out of them before I even think about promoting them, let alone give it to them.  
If I encounter a group or village, and it turns out that the leader is a spineless coward, who surrendered to me in two seconds after I showed up, I will see about finding someone who won't betray me, yet wouldn't be the sort to surrender as quick as the other person did, to be in charge. Dirty cowards switch sides more often than the average person changes their underwear.  
If the leader of the group I encounter seems to be eccentric, stuck in their own fantasy land where they claim to be a king, and call their fighters knights, but seem capable of leading them effectively, and have kept their people safe, I shall assume at least one of the following is true - they are putting on an act to fool me, he is a decoy and that the person serving the wine is the real leader, or that they have really good advisers who do the real leading.  
If the leader of the group has a clear disability, such as missing a hand, or their legs, yet they give orders to those who are more physically able, I shall assume that they did something to earn the other peoples' respect, and might be capable of giving me a run for my money.  
If I happen to wear a costume for my villainous acts, and I encounter someone wearing the same costume, I shall politely ask them why they are wearing the outfit. If it is for one of those crazy conventions, and everyone is dressed up like me, I shall get a blinged-out, yet functional, version of my costume, as my normal costume might be somewhat shabby compared to the convention goers' outfits, and see about having some fun. Who know, I might end up winning the "Best Me Impersonator" Contest, and get a nice little check for having the best outfit, and all the other prizes. Who knows, I might end up friending a few on Social Media, or I might just kill everyone there, or I might use the crowd to my advantage, have my minions dress up as me, and have them commit a series of crimes while the convention is ongoing, and since everyone is dressed alike, it might delay the cops, and even trick the Hero himself.  
Likewise, if I find out that the person dressed like me is some wanna-be, I'll see about tricking the Hero into going after them, and while the Hero might not kill them, especially once they realize that the person is just a poser, they'll give them a stern lecture about dressing up as me.  
Of course, if the impostor is looking to kill me, I'll kill them.  
If the impostor wants to work for me, and they've got all the right looks, and pass the background check, I might use them as a body double.  
I will not spend the whole day sitting on my throne (or something similar) and doing nothing. I will spend time in the war room disscusing strategy with my generals, I will train with my troops to increase combat effectiveness and I will spend time in the library reading books. I will also check up on my R&D team.  
Always have a backup general or head of department.  
My doom mooks will be feared because of their skill, not because of how they look.  
I will make sure that my commanders do not stand at the battlefield doing nothing, they are called commanders for a reason.  
I will give a speech to my troops that friendship, love, luck or any other bullshit does not win wars. Skill, tactics, advanced weaponry, overpowered spells or anything that involves blowing off the head of the heroes will win wars.  
I will take steps to make sure I never fall to villain decay.  
My "piggy bank" will be protected behind a wall of mobile auto turrets as well as a group of juggernauts equipped with grenades and miniguns.  
If I am a one-man army, who has no issues killing people left and right, but I have a bodyguard, who is also a one-man army, and their method of protecting me is to simply knock out the enemy so that we can sneak away from a potential secondary enemy, I shall listen to them. It is one thing to tangle with a group of rival criminals, or even the police, but not both at the same time.  
Speaking of police, I shall be polite to every officer I meet, especially if said officer is not in my back pocket. This includes their Sci Fi and Fantasy counterparts, along with any other sort of lawman, especially if I am not on their radar just yet.  
If my foe has a name like Deathbringer, or The Destroyer, or some other such Awesome McCoolname, I'll deal with them myself, poke them in the eyes, and the battle will be over. If their name is something like Bob, or Tim, or some other dull and boring name, I shall call upon all of my forces, and those of all of my allies, as well as those who are also enemies of my enemy, and make sure that all of them are wearing red shirts, and brown pants, same with myself, for those will be needed.  
If I am performing political maneuvers, I will try to make them simple as possible.  
If I am a monster, I shall put on the appearance of a Friendly Neighborhood Monster, and I won't even hide the fact that I am a monster. I'll just appear to be the sort of person who likes to play sports, enjoy parties, and the like, while feeding upon people from outside of the area. That way, when those Monster Slayers show up, I can portray them as Racist Assholes, or the equivalent, make their deaths look like self-defense, and my neighbors will help me to get rid of my would-be killers, because neighbors stick together.  
If I am a being to whom death is just a minor annoyance, like taxes, I shall see to it that, while it won't be easy to kill me, it won't be too difficult for the average person to do so. Granted, the whole getting shot in the head, or getting a stake through the heart, might get boring after a while, I don't want someone to grab a nuke in order to burn my house down, for that would be terrible for the property values if the place becomes irradiated.  
Alternatively, if death is an annoyance for me, I shall host a contest for people to come up with an entertaining way to kill me. Grand Prize winner gets the honor of killing me, while most of the others get a nice sum of cash or a vacation trip to someplace exotic, or another nice prize, with the majority getting a ribbon that said "I Participated in the Kill The Evil Monster Contest". As for those whose plans are just plain too stupid, or are way too dangerous, they get the booby prize, and end up as my lunch, especially those whose plans would cause the deaths of more than just me and/or themselves!  
My base will be placed in a easy to defend location, not how scary the place looks.  
Alternatively, instead of engaging in a physical, or even a mental, battle with my foe, I shall simply sue their pants off, especially if I have a valid case against them for hate crimes, assault, vandalism, attempted murder, and everything else. After a while, they won't have any money to pay for a defense, and they'll have to sell their gear, which I'll secretly buy, they won't be able to pay their forces, who will get secretly hired by me, they'll have to sell their home, which I'll buy, along with everything else, just to pay the court fees. That being said, I'll make sure that I have plenty of money to wage this legal battle.  
If the hero or heroine flips the script on me to get out of the Sadistic Choice I'm trying to trap them into, I will point out that I'm judging them by their standards, not mine. After all the self-righteous preaching they do, they can't afford to be hypocrites ,so they have to practice what they preach and make their choice. I'm obviously exempt because I play by my own rules, not theirs, so that means I could care less about what happens when they fail, and I don't suffer any losses, not even a moral one. There's no way I will lose after this.  
If I absolutely have to possess something the Hero has for some sort of Ritual of Ultimate Power, such as fresh blood of your enemy; I will ensure that the Hero has no way of fighting back. They will be straightjacketed, have inhibitors installed in their body to negate their powers, and I will have them isolated in my dungeon under armed guard, who will beat them senseless if they try to escape. If all I need is their blood however, not fresh or anything, then a mere blood sample will suffice, and I will terminate the specimen with extreme prejudice.  
If my enemy has recently held the weapon that me, or my minions, use to commit crimes with, and I plan to use that weapon on them, I shall double-check to make sure that they didn't take out the bullets, turn the safety on, swap out that blue pellet filled with a hate serum for a plain old blueberry, or anything else that would render the weapon useless.  
See that person healing the heroes, they die first.  
Instead of using one type of air/sea vehicle for battles, I will tell my R&D team to develop a wide range of vehicles for different situations, such as using a stealth plane instead of an attack fighter jet for reconnaissance.  
I shall create a How To Page for people to learn how to do things here, that way they can make pages in regards to their favorite movies, books, game, and other things that are not currently listed on TV Tropes. However, unknown to them, clicking on said page will awaken an electronic worm that will bypass their security system, get into their bank accounts, and slowly siphon money towards my account. Likewise, this worm shall also send itself to those the person sends an email to, and siphon money from them as well.  
If a "How To Page" has already been made, I shall make a worm that will do as described above, and embed it in the page.  
If I find myself on the Discworld, I shall avoid Mrs. Cake at all costs. Vampires, werewolves, dwarves, trolls, zombies, gods, demons, Death, Commander Samuel Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, and other powerful beings and entities are nothing compared to her.  
If my enemy's abilities and weaknesses are known and publicly televised (especially in a sporting event), I will ensure that I am informed about them. Even if I cannot watch them, I will have the minions that are close by document said abilities and weaknesses, retain that information and bring them to me and my Legions of Doom. This way, we can strategize, protecting ourselves from the heroes' strengths and developing countermeasures, instead of twiddling our thumbs and getting our asses kicked because we didn't use our information to protect ourselves, or worse - accidentally empowering the heroes to their strengths and our weaknesses in the middle of a fight.  
When doing stealth missions, instead of using loud vehicles such as motorcycles or even worse, cars, my troops will use an ancient vehicle known as a bicycle.  
It is greatly recommended that I do daily DNA and blood tests on all my forces on a regular basis (like say everytime someone returns to base or something.) That way, I can pick up any one of the heroes that try to slip through the cracks, so to speak. Same goes for medical checkups and diseases.  
Screw it, I will just copy and paste everything the current worldwide(america, russia, india, singapore etc.) military has, from their tatics, vehicles, special units and everything else. I will make significant improvements as well.  
My "mooks" will actually be Ex-special forces from around the world, let's see the heroes fight against Ex Navy seals and SAS, equipped with the most overpowered equipment my R&D team can make. Truth be told, all I really need is a single B2 stealth bomber.  
I will remind my citizens that drone strikes, tanks and attack helicopters will be a normal thing in my empire.  
If the Hero has managed to befriend a very powerful creature, I shall be extra careful.  
I shall read the Hero's Vows Lists, so that I can learn from them. I shall then insert false information in it.  
If I have a minion that has the ability of illusion, the plan is going south, my forces are surrounded by the heroes, and yet my high-value target is within my grasp, I will have said minion create a diversion, and have my men take the time to snatch said target as we make our escape, instead of leaving empty handed.  
Should I be cornered or defeated by the Heroes, I will activate protocol doomsday, which is to launch every single nuclear missile I have and tell my troops to make their last stand and die in a blaze of glory. If my troops survive, they will live off the grid.  
I will make sure my bullets fly at the speed of sound and cause internal bleeding.  
I shall assume that the Hero has read this, and inserted false information into the lists. That being said, I shall see about fixing it.  
I will make sure my engineers actually know how to do their job, this is to prevent planes from exploding when it gets punched.  
My troops must learn basic physics, anyone who can't learn basic physics will be sent back to school.  
I will be good friends with the most powerful nations in the world.  
I will obey the international rules for war, it is not evil but at least I won't be a war criminal and receive no aid from other countries.  
I shall also help out the less fortunate nations. Good press is not to be underrated.  
I will do as the Romans once did, and learn from my foes. If their weapons and tactics, and other things, are superior to my own, I shall adopt the ones that fit my needs and abilities.  
If I have an Adviser, or a High Priest, whose job is to translate whatever I say for the common person, even when me and them already speak the same language and dialect, I will explain to them that while they may add some flourishes to what I say, they are not to mistranslate what I say. If they do so, I'll have them killed, right then and there.  
If a spell or a ritual requires human blood, I shall see just how much is required. If freshness doesn't matter, I shall simply go to the blood bank and pick up a few pouches. If only a few drops are required, I shall simply prick my own finger. If a sacrifice of life is required, I shall look for a willing volunteer.  
If a spell or ritual requires a live sacrifice, I shall simply put out an advertisement, or thirty, stating that I am looking for someone willing to sacrifice their life for the cause, that they must be of sound mind, if not body, and that their family would be well compensated, with money, collage education to the place of their choosing, plus a few other boons. I doubt there will be a shortage of volunteers, especially of those with stage 4 cancer, or some other such incurable and fatal conditions.  
If a volunteer for a sacrifice decides to back out at the last moment, I shall respect this decision, and see to it that they are given a small token payment.  
If that adviser, or high priest, decides to "mistranslate" my order to let the volunteer return to their home as "Kill him for treason", I shall ask the adviser/high priest if they are willing to die for me. If they say yes, I'll kill them, thus completing the requirements needed for the sacrifice. I shall then offer their old job to the volunteer, who is free to decline the offer.  
If the adviser, or high priest, says no, to the question of if they were willing to die for me, I'll kill them anyways, and offer their old job to the volunteer, and then locate another volunteer for the sacrifice. Of course, if the old volunteer turns down the offer of being my new adviser/high priest, I shall respect this choice. That being said, if they do take the offer, at least they know first-hand the penalty for mistranslating my orders.  
Between battles, I will have each of my specialized legions of terror cross-train. A basic knowledge of each other's battle styles is never useless. The same premise will be applied to my caper crewmen.  
Despite my vow not to permit lying around boozing during times of peace, my Legions of Terror will learn basic cooking skills. It might actually encourage better or more creative use of that leftover mead and roast boar.  
I will live in a realm where the laws of physic, chemistry, biology and others work. The heroes won't expect to be killed by a bullet's impact force.  
Before assaulting the rebel's base, it would be wise to send a strike team first instead of sending my entire army first.  
Instead of having a self destruct button, I will simply install a fail-safe system, which only I can use.  
Randomly killing people or destroying random villages is of course a bad thing. Unfortunately most evil overlords don't get this.  
Instead of using flamethrowers, my troops will use a simple shotgun. As well as a backup pistol.  
I will follow every rule of the workplace safety and health program. It is not evil but it makes my workers happy and finding new workers takes time and resources. Plus it will usually confuse the heroes.  
In addition, it will increase work effectively by a million and more people will be willing to work for me.  
If I am involved in a war with someone, I shall not get involved in a secondary war at the same time. I shall finish my current war, before starting a second.  
If I am already involved in a war, but an ally of mine gets attacked, and requests aid, I shall send them material and supplies, and if I share a border with my ally's enemy, I shall simply increase the number of garrisons along the border, but issue orders that the forces are only to fight in defense, if attacked. Granted, my forces are not directly fighting my ally's enemy, but the supplies and material I send will aid my ally, and the fact that I have forces along the border will force their enemy to divert their own forces, in an attempt to protect themselves from me. I shall engage my ally's enemy in combat after crushing my current foe, or, if my ally defeats their foe, I shall ask them to return the favor, and help me.  
Of course, if the enemy I have is the same as my ally's, then by all means, I will see about helping my friend out, especially if they've been doing the same for me.  
Before deploying any vehicle (land, sea, air) for combat, I will have a inspector make sure they are all in working condition. You don't want your jets to have a huge dent when taking off.  
Before putting my evil plan into action, I will study economics. You don't want to crash your own economy thus making you vulnerable.  
Before employing the fallen hero or anything similar as part of my special forces, I will make sure he is 100% irredeemable as well as checking if he is a spy.  
A happy army will usually outperform a unhappy army, therefore I will be a father to all my man. Never underestimate the power of morale.  
A disciplined army will curb-stomp the undisciplined army, therefore I will make sure my army is highly disciplined. After all, a good father has to teach his kids discipline.  
I shall make my mother's birthday a National Holiday, as well as my father's. My forces shall also have the day off on their respective mother and father's birthdays as well, or at least have the option of doing so. The same is true of those who were raised by two mommies or daddies, or were adopted.  
If my neighbor is trying to pull an Eviler Than Thou thing on me, and they truly are eviler than me, I shall arrange for there to be a rebellion seeking to overthrow them - I don't care if the leader of the rebellion is a hero or a lesser villain - and I shall aid them. Of course, if the rebellion is lead by a Hero, and if they ask if I am an Evil Overlord, I will be honest with them, but point out our common enemy, and tell them that I have no interest in taking the place over. Of course, this last part will depend on if I'm feeling generous or not.  
Likewise, after my eventual death, and it turns out that my Heir truly is eviler than me, and the advisers, and generals, and everyone else, is loyal to him, and even that resistance that I set up isn't resisting them, I shall be a Spirit Mentor to the one who can overthrow that despicable creature, and those traitors!  
My evil empire will have an epic theme song while the hero has the most lazy and boring theme song ever, this will give me the power of music. Plus killing things while playing epic music is awesome.  
I will tell the world that the rebels that are attacking me are crazy terrorist that are fighting for world domination. This will convince my powerful friends to send aid. By aid, I mean a curb stomp battle.  
I shall pair those who have conflicting viewpoints and personalities together, such as a By-The-Book sort with a Cowboy sort, or the guy whose only tactic is to charge at the enemy getting paired with the guy that thinks things through. This will force them to learn how to work together, to come up with results that get me victories, unlike pairing up like-minded sorts, who always fail.  
I will only use high grade materials and high grades tools. It will hurt my wallet but the benefits are amazing.  
I will put some money in reserve in case I need to call for professional help. By help I mean the hero killer.  
Low grade materials will be used for test runs and to achieve the necessary experience to work safely with the higher grade materials my Legions of Terror will need later.  
Back to the subject of burying would-be assassins in my garden - when it comes time to harvest the crop, or pick the flowers, that grew in the bed that the assassin is taking their dirt nap in, I shall invite the one that hired them over for a feast, along with the others who also tried to have me assassinated, with the food being served coming from the graves of these assassins, to say nothing about the flowers. I shall ask them each what they think about the different foods and flowers. Then, I shall tell them who all provided the fertilizer, and how. I shall then inform them that the food had been poisoned, to say nothing about the flowers that their wives had also sniffed, and I have the antidote, and force them to make a choice as to who dies - themselves, or their loved ones. Those who pick their loved ones to die shall be killed, while those who picked themselves to die will be spared, as the food won't be poisoned, but it will point out to me who has someone they'd be willing to die for. I will then tell the survivors that they owe their lives to me, and to not try to kill me again, or I'd kill their family next time.  
Unless there are at least seven digits in each, at no time will "666" figure in any index or code in my system. Likewise if "7" is the only digit in either. And especially not on combination locks!  
I shall never use the combination 1-2-3-4-5, for that is the kind of combination an idiot would use on their luggage! That reminds me - remember to change the combination on my luggage to 5-4-3-2-1 instead.  
Likewise, never use Swordfish as a password, although I don't know why anyone would even use it as a password in the first place, unless one fished for swords, or some such thing.  
I shall be Genre Savvy with every Genre, just in case there's a Genre Shift, or if I end up Time Traveling, or Book Traveling, or some such thing.  
If I take over a settlement, village, town, city, state, country, planet, galaxy, or whatever, I shall order my forces to refrain from engaging in unnecessary cruelty to the place's inhabitants. While it is important to remind them that we are in charge, and put down the occasional insurgent and rebel, the average person is to be left alone. It is one thing to execute someone who advocates violence and has killed my people, but it is another to kill someone for merely insulting my mother, although this won't stop me from breaking said insulter's jaw. It is one thing for the populace to fear me, but if that fear turns to hate, and hate turns to violence, it will prove difficult to exert real control over the place, and could inspire a wide-scale rebellion, that might end up overthrowing my rule, and all that I have worked for.  
If I am able to stop time then I will take full advantage of this power. Anyone that I am fighting will be granted a quick and painless death by decapitation or the closest equivalent, preventing them from using their dying moments to warn the other heroes, make a final strike against me, or otherwise inconvenience my plans. It might be fun to kill heroes with predicaments like a flurry of knives, a falling object, or a mortal injury that won't kill immediately, but death can't be assured in these circumstances and the heroes might still be able to escape. (All the caveats that apply to killing heroes and their allies still apply, of course). If I truly feel the need to screw around with my powers, I'll play the occasional harmless prank on the minions.  
If my ritual or device requires something rare but obtainable such as unicorn blood or a virgin sacrifice, I will prepare a modest stockpile before doing anything. If the designated sacrifice refuses to die for me it's okay; I have another half dozen lined up.  
I will personally see to the education and upbringing of all my heirs. Not only will they be worthy successors, I will ensure that their sibling bond will be strong enough to overcome any notion of infighting for the throne. Any bastard of mine will have to tussle with ALL of my legitimate children to take the Empire I worked so hard to build.  
I will consider the proper use and deployment of body doubles. Any public appearance will be a body double but so will the chap brooding on my throne AND the person barking orders in my War Room. I will be far away telling them what to do and say via magic or technology.  
I will never build a giant super weapon unless it is economically feasible for me to mass produce them quickly and efficiently. Subsequently, I will never let it be known that there is more than one of these lying around, so that should the hero successfully destroy it, their hopes will immediately be dashed when another twenty or so show up to blow the hero to kingdom come.  
If I do decide to build a giant super weapon, I will first make sure the funds aren’t needed elsewhere. After all, an empire with good infrastructure, a disciplined, highly effective army, and a happy populace is much harder to destroy than one lacking in any of those.  
If the hero manages to capture or destroy my giant super weapon, my lieutenants, engineers and I will take the time to study how the hero accomplished this. Then all other giant super weapons will receive upgrades to remove any weaknesses the hero exploited. And if the hero captured the weapon instead of destroying it, my forces will be trained to use the exact same methods as the hero to reaqcuire it.  
After installing all of the previously mentioned defenses for my fortress, I will launch constant attacks on the Hero's territory, so that he or she is too busy defending to actually test any of them.  
If one of my scientists or engineers is constantly maneuvering him/herself into a position where they are deemed invaluable, I will automatically assume they intend to sabotage my empire and are working with the hero. As such, the project they were working on will be immediately scrapped, and any plans, projects, or other information they may have been privy to I will personally either alter or destroy. Absolutely no one will know of this until after I have made the adjustments. Also, the same applies to all essential and non-essential members of my staff/forces.  
The aforementioned engineer/scientist will, unbeknownst to them, be implanted with a GPS tracker and exiled, so that I will always know their location, and they may unwittingly lead me to the resistance headquarters.  
I shall declare the Hero's Birthday to be a National Holiday - even they wouldn't dare to launch an attack on their own birthday if everyone else is celebrating it. I shall even invite them to the Big Party, and if they show up, I shall capture them! Of course, if they don't show up, there will be plenty of cake and ice cream, or the equivalent, for those who do show up.  
I shall take the whole Luke, I Am Your Father Up to Eleven and show just how everyone in the Resistance is related to a member of my organization! Granted, some of the connections might have to be fabricated, with the approval of those who work for me, but this will do a number of things, such as making the whole fight look like a family squabble, prevent people from joining the Resistance, and maybe cause them to leave. Of course, I do honestly hope that the leader/hero of the resistance isn't related to me or any of my top commanders, as that might cause an issue or two.  
Figure out how to rename pages and such, not only to throw off spies seeking to learn sensitive information about my latest projects, but to correct misspellings in the titles of said pages, like the whole rouge rogue thing - I don't want folks to laugh at me over such things, unless I intentionally want people to think that I'm talking about makeup and not about renegades.  
Locate the guy that titled this page, and ask them if they missed the "R" and hit the second "T" on purpose, or if they had to rush before the local Hero where they lived caught up to them, or if they were goofing off. If said Villain did this on purpose to misdirect the Heroes, I'll have a good laugh. If they had to rush because of a Hero, I will help them deal with that Hero. If they were just goofing off, I'll blow them away, because villainy is not a toy! Of course, if it was just an accident, I'll let them off with a warning, and tell them not to do it again.  
Instead of charging against the heroes like a headless chicken, I will teach my commanders a secret technique known as formations.  
Instead of wasting time destroying planets that are full of resources, I will instead take over them and begin extracting resources.  
If I am defeated, I will relocate to the "real world" and live a honest life. If the heroes find out where I am, I will simply call law enforcement.  
Instead of making 100 FT tall giant robots that will immediately get shot, I will instead develop power armour also known as Exo-suits.  
I will live in a realm where Reality Ensues every single second.  
Under no circumstances will I or my forces engage in extremist behavior. This will only further alienate potential allies and strengthen the rebellion. Simultaneously, I will do everything in my power to make the heroes resort to acts of increasing extremism. This will further alienate their own allies and weaken the rebellion by making themselves out to be the villains.  
I will make use of the Xanatos Gambit as much as possible. It may be fun to let the heroes have a victory every once in a while, but I did not get to be Overlord through sheer luck nor a childish need to sate boredom.  
I shall know when to retreat. While I might have reserves, if the number of men I am losing is not worth the amount of ground I am gaining, I shall order a Tactical Withdrawal, but as my men retreat, they shall make the enemy pay for the ground that they gain. It is better to lose the battles, but win the war, than to win the battles, but lose the war. Of course, if it looks like I am winning once again, I shall order my men to hold their ground, as the location that they are at might turn defeat into victory. I can then either order my men to attack once more, or to continue the retreat.  
If in a restaurant, or a pub, or any other establishment, which I had planned to rob with my crew, turns out to be a hangout for Local Law Enforcement, I shall take the Biggest Guy in the place hostage. There are three reasons for this: 1 - The person is possibly a Paper Tiger, who will undoubtedly mess their pants, but won't be any threat to me or my crew. 2 - The person might be a Gentle Giant, and so long as I don't mess with their friends, will do the Play-Along Prisoner act, long enough for me and my crew to get out of the place, at which point, I'll let them go. 3 - The person might actually be a criminal with a higher bounty upon his head than what me and my crew have - I will simply declare that I'd traveled half the country looking for them, as a Bounty Hunter, take him to the Local Law Enforcement Officers, and ask for them to send the bounty to some little old lady that I know could use the money, and then, in any case, get out of there!  
If I and/or my scientists are performing biological/genetic experiments, we will first ensure that we are the first to do it, and if not, acquire the research that was already done. Even if it failed or was abandoned, using someone else’s work as a foundation for mine will make my research that much easier.  
My scientists and I will also plan for every conceivable result of the experiment. Even if (and especially if) the experiment’s success takes us into uncharted waters, it will be far easier to deal with the potential consequences thereof if we’ve already considered it happening and planned accordingly.  
I will establish a Tactical ops centre and appropriate assets. Do I even need to explain to you why this is important?  
I will not place my commanders or other important personal at the front of the battle. Instead, they will be in a tactical room making sure my armies don't get slaughtered.  
My head of intelligence will not be my best spy. Again, do I need to explain why this is important?  
I will influence the butt-monkey to become a fallen hero and work for me.  
I shall give Conscientious Objectors a chance to show their real bravery, by assigning them to non-combat positions, such as first responders, firefighters, and engineers. Maybe they ain't much good at fighting, for whatever reason, but it does take courage to rescue the wounded, fight fires, and build stuff, all while under enemy fire.  
Unless there is a genuine reason behind their protests, Moral Guardians will not be considered for hiring, even as mere Cannon Fodder. They are just too evil. In fact, I will have such people shot out of a cannon, into a wall of spikes, with such remains fed to my Man-Eating monstrosity, which will then be given Pepto-Bismo for any issues they might have from eating such evil people.  
Every single outside door on my base will have the hinges on the outside so that they open out into the street. One, The Hero won't be able to just kick it in, and two, if he uses another method, I will know if there has been any tampering.  
If I am at some establishment with some buddies (old friends, henchmen, sidekicks, friendly enemy) and women, or men, start throwing themselves at me, but I'm already involved with someone, I shall politely say "No, but thank you." I will then point out my companions, and point out that the one is available, and is even better than I am, especially in a certain area.  
While I hope the situation never occurs, if I live on a world where the balance between Good and Evil must be maintained, and it turns out that Evil has been Too Good at getting rid of Good, and the world is at risk of being destroyed, I shall make the Ultimate Betrayal, and become a Hero, in order to save the world.  
If I run a business as a front for my criminal enterprise, I shall see to it, that the Front, aside from being owned by me, is legitimate, and can even stand on its own, with no help from my criminal enterprise, if need be. It will even be run, more or less, honestly. For instance, if my Front is a Construction Company, that makes homes for middle-income families, I shall see to it that each house is up to code, and that's without having to resort to bribery, and I won't skimp on the building materials - meaning no el cheapo plywood floors that 6-year old kids could fall through, and thus get me sued over. It is one thing to kill a rival criminal boss, and get arrested for it, but it is even worse to get caught because some kid had an accident that got me sued, even if the kid wasn't too badly hurt, and thus got me investigated further.  
If it turns out that my Legitimate Front Businesses are far more successful than my criminal enterprise, it might be a good idea to drop the criminal side, and go straight, at least for a time. I can always fall back on the criminal business if my front goes belly-up.  
Any commanding officers in my army will be taught that "no plan survives contact with the enemy," and will be forced to learn how to improvise. Any officers who continue to stick to the plan even when it's obvious the plan will fail will be demoted immediately, if not executed on the spot.  
I will bear in mind that the LGBTQ+ community is a thing and will know the orientation of both the heroes and my guards, and make sure to assign them accordingly should I manage to capture the heroes.  
If I discover a hero's hometown, I will not immediately order the town to be destroyed. This never works and will give the hero a grudge. Instead, I will take the town over as peacefully as possible and give the people there the best possible treatment, thus blunting the hero's desire to come after me.  
Alternately, this treatment will instead be extended to the families of the hero's allies, thus blunting their desire to aid the hero in his quest to destroy me.  
If the Balance Between Good and Evil is necessary to the health of the world, me and my opposite, as well as our respective allies and minions, shall have an understanding that, in the event of a big battle, the Victor shall allow the Vanquished to retreat, so that they, as well as my own forces, can replenish their respective numbers.  
If the Balance Between Good and Evil is necessary to the health of the world, neither side should brainwash members of the other, at least on a permanent basis - a little bit of temporary mind control and memory alteration is one thing, but Free Will is the most important thing a person can have.  
If a group of heroes have set out to unleash Good into the world, in order to save it, I shall allow them to do so, and might even help them. I might not like it, but I'd rather deal with Good being around, as opposed to the world being destroyed.  
Do not commit any unnecessary War Crimes. While it is true that collateral damage tends to be unavoidable, blowing up the hospital that the Hero is healing up at, and killing over a hundred doctors and patients, tends to lead to greater backlash than blowing up a military base that has a couple thousand soldiers being housed at said base.  
Shoot that idiot that is adding to Cellblock P, before Cellblock O is completely used. In fact, shoot the idiot that made the page before it was needed.  
While Romero-type zombies, and other similar undead that spread through bites, should be avoided at all costs, sentient free-thinking zombies, such as those of Discworld, can be safely employed by my forces, providing that I give them a needle and thread to sew themselves up with.  
While it might seem to be cool to have, let's say a million, soldiers go marching through the countryside all the time, this is economically, and environmentally, not to mention strategically and tactically, unwise. Instead, I shall have one percent, or ten thousand men in this example, permanently under arms, while the rest have secondary jobs, like farmers, factory workers, cashiers, restaurant workers, and other such things, to be called upon in the case of an emergency. In this way, they can also see to it that I have a surplus of needed materials to wage a prolonged war. Also, my enemy will underestimate the number of men I have in the armed forces.  
As soon as funds and resources become available, the #1 priority will be the area of my empire that has gone the longest without any upgrade. (see #1415 to #1417 for the reasoning.)  
In regards to #1410, when arranging for a rebellion to be formed, I shall supply munitions, supplies, and tactical equipment, such as period appropriate vehicles, to such rebels, in a fashion that the “charitable donations” cannot be traced back to me. Should I decide to take over, the “charitable donations” to the rebels will self destruct, leaving them powerless.  
In the event the hero offers me mercy, I will accept his offer. Better to temporarily be good than to die.  
In the event I am in danger and the hero offers to save me, I will accept his offer. Better to swallow my pride than to die.  
If the Hero has gone down the Knight Templar path, and has started killing people over even minor offenses, like jaywalking, I shall see to it that I look like I'm the real hero, or even become the real hero, and have that idiot taken down, and either captured or killed. After all, one must have standards, and I won't allow such an insane person be my rival.  
Like any competent army, I will have a chain of command.  
If for some reason I need to compete in a worldwide battle royale, I will simply stay in my lair with heavy armor and a lot of guns.  
If there is one person left in the battle royale, I will hunt he/she down with my elite army. Or just carpet bomb the area they are in.  
I will not have weird rules that forbid magic or technology.  
I will not attempt to twist the magical ancient artifact that can only be used by the pure into evil, it will likely backfire and get me killed or worst.  
If the brainwashed hero's friend or love interest is about to get killed by the hero, I will immediately set them free. Unless I want to face the unstoppable rage of the hero. Trust me, it never ends well.  
I will never take on an apprentice. Those who are not nearly as evil as I will most likely betray me to join the heroes, or otherwise try to foil my plans. Those who are just as, if not even more so, evil as I will eventually betray and try to usurp me.  
If it is necessary for people to see me in person, the person that they will see will be a decoy, and will either really be a lookalike actor, or one of my Dragons. Of course, I will be there, but as either the janitor mopping the floor, the wine server, the floozy trying to get into the "Big Bad's" pants, the Obvious Bodyguard, or, if the technology/magic allows it, the loyal dog at its master's feet, or the cat in the master's lap.  
If possible, see to it that the other roles mentioned in previous example are filled by competent bodyguards.  
Before putting conflicting viewpoints or personalities on the field together (#1414), they will be subject to one-on-one discussions with either me or another core ally (or both at the same time). We will make a point of determining their common motivator and have them set up a quiet date based around that element. If nothing else, a huge internal clash may be averted.  
I shall be sure to pet the dog, both literally and figuratively. This will keep them from biting me, both literally and figuratively. That being said, if the dog bites me for no reason, I'll see to it that they are put down - a rabid dog might go after a child after all, and there'd be big trouble if that occurred.  
On a second thought, I will not keep any of the hero's close friends/relatives/mentor alive. I will kill them as soon as possible and make a lot of Plot Coupons that are literally impossible to get but has the ability to revive said close friends/relatives/mentor. The hero will waste their entire life attempting to retrieve such coupons and will not be a threat.  
If a plan of mine that requires me to marry/have a child with someone could just as easily be accomplished with a minion as it could be accomplished with the hero(ine)'s love interest, I will have said plan performed with said minion in said role instead of kidnapping the hero(ine)'s love interest. Aside from the fact that it's a better use of everyone's time, it would make said minion more likely to have Undying Loyalty and give the hero one less reason to kill me (and one more to keep me alive, should he not want to irritate said minion), on top of any previous rules about harming the hero(ine)'s love interest.  
If I am a villain in Pokemon, I shall allow my grunts to carry more than just the standard Zubat/Koffing/Ekans/(Insert regional Pokemon used by my organization here), for I do not want my minions to be taken down by a 10 year old kid. I will encourage said grunts to treat their Pokemon well, and even offer incentives for making them stronger.  
If a minor associate of mine, who has been tasked with spying/following the band of Heroes ends up actually joining them of their own free will, and not because of any mistreatment that I've done to them in the past, I shall ask them why they did this. If they give a good reason, like the fate of the world being in danger, I might spare their life. If the reason is a bad one, like being shorted a few cents in their last paycheck, I'll kill them.  
Just because someone I knew once respected/feared me in the past, that doesn't mean that I should let down my guard if they've joined the other side. They might have changed/learned something new since the last time we met.  
If a group of traveling performers shows up to entertain my men, in exchange for food and a place to rest for the night, or some other small token of payment, I want ids of each of them, both with, and without, their makeup and costume. I don't need the Hero sneaking in that way.  
If said group has animals as part of their acts, each of them will get a free check-up by my place's on-site veterinarian, courtesy of me. This is especially in the case of, depending upon the nature of the universe my story is set in, the possibility that said creatures could somehow sneak someone inside of them into the place to let them out later. As for how that is even possible, look up a fetish known as Vore, specifically, the variation known as Safe Vore. If someone is indeed inside of them, and it is part of the act involving said creature, that person is to have an id. If said person is actually the Hero trying to sneak in, then we'll stuff the creature with actual food, and give them the reversal to whatever it is that's preventing them from digesting the Hero, and then sit back to watch the entertainment.  
If my scientists have come up with a serum that gives a person special powers, I will ask for volunteers from those with the rank of Sargent or lower, with the promise of increasing the volunteer's pay grade, and other sorts of compensation, especially in the event that said experiment proves to be unsuccessful. After all, volunteers of the lower ranks tend to be more loyal than those forced into the task, and are unlikely to overthrow me like certain higher-ranked officers.  
If say, a minion has a fetish involving themselves, and/or their spouse dressing up in some sort of furry costume, and my scientists have a serum that will turn a person into an anthropomorphic version of said animal, I will offer that serum to that minion, and their spouse, as a way to increase their pleasure. They will be that much more loyal to me.  
Try to find a reversal to any super serums before using said serum on mass, because one never knows if the Hero gets their hand on it, or if some of my minions turn on me, or if the serum is more of a hindrance than a help. Better to have normal powered minions, than those who can't use a pencil correctly for writing, due to breaking them all the time.  
When my weapon makers bring me a new weapon, that they claim to be unbeatable, I'll let my soldiers test out a "Safe" version of it, with instructions to look for any weaknesses, no matter how small they are, as well as ways to exploit these weaknesses, and, most importantly, how to compensate for said weaknesses. After all, nothing is unbeatable, but one can overcome most issues if one knows about them.  
If living in a world where vampires and werewolves can spread through bites, and tend to turn on humans who were once their friends, I shall find a way so that vampires and werewolves who were once humans do not just turn on those who are their friends, family, and so forth. It gets annoying having to use my silver stakes on those who were once my minions.  
If the only difference between the powers I wield and the powers the hero wields are the alignment of the person using them, I shall work on finding a backup set of powers as soon as possible. Far too many comic book supervillains have made the mistake of assuming having the same powers is enough to defeat the hero, especially if the powers have a Takes One to Kill One weakness.

On the other hand, if I obtain powers that the hero could possibly obtain as well before the hero does, I shall take the steps to ensure that said hero cannot obtain said powers. Aside from what is noted in the rule directly above, I won't have to worry about being embarrassed at the Villain Pub.  
If I am a villain on My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, I will knock out that meddling purple unicorn/alicorn on sight, before she uses the overpowered magic of friendship to save the day. Or if I have other things to do, I will hire a goon or two to restrain her.  
I will always assume the hero has rigged their base of operations to explode should they be soundly defeated. My forces will also be taught to assume this so that if the base seems strangely deserted, my forces and I will promptly flee before it’s detonation.  
The Illiad will be required reading material. It’ll serve as a good reminder that should anything get left behind by the heroes after a battle, regardless of reason, it’s best to assume it’s a trap.  
I shall double-check previous sections of the List, as perhaps the previous ones might already give similar examples, or perhaps are not fully used, just yet, such as, for instance, at this moment of writing, Cellblock O has 57 items listed, and yet someone has started work on Cellblock P, that is, this list. Time would be better spent filling up the previous list before adding more to this one.  
If I am a villain on Fire Emblem, I will not patiently wait for the heroes to move into position. While they are taking their turn, I will have my inexplicably large army rush them all at once.  
I shall remember to bring popcorn, or some other snack, preferably a healthy one. After all, if casting magic requires energy, I might need a bite to eat afterwards. Of course, if the Hero is giving a long-winded speech, I'd at least have something to throw at them, if I was in a trolling mood.  
If I stumble across a cache of weapons not native to my world, and said weapons are indeed very powerful, I shall figure out how to make more of them, and, most importantly, where said weapons came from.  
Know when not to be a brutal killing machine. Live prisoners tell more information than dead ones. Also, sometimes petting the dog makes things easy and the prisoners loyal. One can always kick the dog later. For delicious Irony, I can make the loyal prisoners turn on my enemies and inflict maximum damage on them.  
Make sure that disloyal/ungrateful colonists haven't made friends with other races that might help them out if I decide to kill said colonists.  
I will make sure I am either Immune to Fate or can change it as soon as possible. Especially if there's a prophecy about my defeat is even jokingly rumoured. The reason for this should be pretty obvious.  
If I don't particularly care for crossing moral boundaries or PR and invoke Death of Personality on anyone to become my servant, I will make sure it is irreversible or at least the way to reverse it can easily be defended (if the original personality is stored somewhere) or countered.  
If someone else transcribes my orders, I will make sure they spellcheck what I write down and confirm the meaning. I do not want an order of "Leave the hero to die in the desert" to result in the hero being trapped in a giant chocolate cake that is easy (and delicious) to escape from.  
Same goes for grammar.  
If the hero tries to trick me into revealing my evil plans, I will either not fall for it or pretend to do so, but lie.  
If I am a Power Rangers villain, and the Monster of the Week is winning against the heroes, I will not gigantify them unless the heroes are able to turn the table, since the Rangers will never resort to just calling the Zords in and crushing the MOTW by stepping on it.  
The same also applies if I am a Super Sentai villain.  
If I am a Kamen Rider villain, on the other hand, if I hear reports of a Rider defeating a few of my underlings, I will hunt them down and deal with them myself as soon as possible. It's better to fight them while I still have an advantage of absolute firepower than wait for them to get their Super Mode.  
If I am a vampire overlord, who needs to feed upon blood, I shall include, as part of their taxes, a requirement for my subjects to give a small amount of blood, roughly a cup's worth, every few months. Of course, different people will pay at different times, with roughly 25 groups at the very least, so the amount of blood can sustain me without the need to seek out a victim. On the plus side, if there's an accident, there's plenty of blood for accident victims.  
If I am out and about in my civilian identity, spending time with my children, when someone abducts them, who knows nothing about me, I shall allow the Hero to rescue my children, publicly thank the Hero, and then I shall put on my costume, and pay the kidnapper a visit. If the Hero finds me beating the pulp out of them, I'll simply tell the Hero that I have standards that don't involve endangering children.  
Allow my henchmen to spend time with their families, and to carry images of their loved ones. This way, if the Hero does manage locate them, they will realize that the minion is someone who is a parent, a lover, a dutiful adult child, or someone with family. The Hero might think twice about harming them.  
If it's up to me to take over a planet so that the mooks and my other associates have a place to live, and I have sufficient technology to do so, I will rather terraform a planet which has no life on its surface. Every pesky planet has its own superhero, and I don't want him to sabotage anything.  
Just because my race is capable of eating humans, or other sentient beings, does not mean that they should be placed on the top of the menu - at least in public. In fact, it might be better to, publicly, eat the very animals that the natives themselves either raise, or hunt, for meat. While the locals might be surprised when they see our kind eating a hundred-plus pound pig intact, bones and all, they aren't as likely to pull out a weapon, like they would if we tried that on a human.  
If my kind can eat humans, and have done so on the sly, but eat pig, sheep, goats, large fish, and large sections of cattle in public, and some nosy person, like a journalist or a scientist, or someone with a bunch of letters after their name, asks if it is possible if we could eat humans, we will simply ask if they have a fresh cadaver that has been donated to science, so that we can test the idea upon.  
If my kind can eat humans, and it has been, using the above method of using a donated body, been publicly proven that we can eat humans, we shall simply request that being placed on the menu be done as a form of execution for criminals condemned to die, or as a form of assisted suicide for those whom medical treatment has done no good.  
If my kind can eat humans, and has used various means to get them onto our plate - abduction, condemned criminals, terminal illness, subliminal messages - certain restrictions upon the taking of humans as meat shall be in place. This is because humans take sixteen years to attain sexual maturity, weighing around a hundred fifty pound, or seventy-five kilos at this age. Cattle, on the other hand, attain sexual maturity in two years, and weigh one thousand five hundred pounds, or about seven hundred fifty kilos, at this age. Thus, Humans will be more of a delicacy, while Cattle, and other similar animals, will be the mainstay.  
Or, as an addendum for the above point, if my kind needs humans to survive and we can't get as much energy from eating 'vegetarian' meal, I will invest in mass cloning from 'desirable' templates from various types. They could be preferably high-yielding, quickly maturing and loyal to their masters. People won't give jack about the clones while we make them subservient with Bread and Circuses.  
If my marriage is purely political, but me and my spouse are friendly enough to see about having children with the other yet not actually in love with each other, I shall see to it that we each have an alternative lover, especially if one or both of us are gay or bi.  
I will secretly make the Evil Overlord List available for my Council as well as my associates, as a token of my gratitude and lessening of my interference. The catch in this plan will be that the really essential points in the List will be swapped for exactly the reverse, and each list will be coded with locations of the recipients as well as read history in the copying process. So that if any of them will be attempted against me, I could run a very quick search about the possible traitors in my group and plan accordingly.  
Make sure that my men know basic first aid in the event of an injury, at least for minor ones, like cuts and bruises, and perhaps broken bones. They don't need to know how to do brain surgery, but they can at least keep each other alive long enough for someone more skilled to arrive on the scene.  
If my trusted right-hand person tells me that the new guy, who has been nothing but trouble, is a rat, who secretly works for the authorities, it might be a good idea to listen to him.  
If things are going bad, and have done so for a while, and it looks like I might lose, give my men the chance to leave, even offering them a decent amount of money/goods that can be traded, especially if they have families. At least they won't hate me bad enough to stab me in the back if things go really bad.  
If a man, or woman, parted ways with me on good terms during a bad time, like when it looked like I was going to lose, but later rejoin after I've won, they will have a slightly symbolic punishment, in the form of a reduced rank and lesser pay from their previous service. But, if they prove themselves loyal for at least six months, they get their old rank back, along with back-pay.  
If the hero is at his true love's gravestone, whether or not I was responsible for that situation, I will avoid sending any remote-controllable transportation to take him away and let him mourn in peace. He will not take kindly to having his peace disrupted simply because I've wanted revenge on him for so long.  
If I have the hero in any air vehicle, the pilot's headphones will be standard, without electrodes or anything else that can cause electrocution. In case the hero manages to get into the cockpit, the pilot can fight him off and make sure he dies with him.  
For a visual representation, this is what your average "mook" should look like.https://www.google.com.sg/search?tbm=isch&q=badass+future+armor+art&chips=q:badass+future+armor+art,online_chips:futuristic+armor&usg=AI4_-kRXTvwBqyU5KUVknFAVHKEpsEEu5Q&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiw58C1mKbfAhVXXisKHWiDBGgQ4lYIJygB&biw=1280&bih=603&dpr=1.5#imgrc=gYosgcDSc2cfvM:  
However, I will remove all lights, and give them good paints of well tested digital camouflage. As well, this shall only be for shock troops only, as the special forces shall need to be more discreet.  
Multiple types of body armor shall be issued based on need and customizable to an extent. Troops will be required to wear the lightest set at all times, or at least carry a light rifle resistant insert in the front of their uniform, in the event of the other armor being inaccessible. This will also discourage retreating.  
Just because a weapon, or another item or piece of equipment is technically obsolete, this doesn't render them completely useless. For instance, a crossbow is not much use on the battlefield when compared to assault rifles, but it is a quiet weapon with projectiles that are fairly easy to reuse.  
Likewise, just because someone has come up with a more powerful version of something that's standard issue, this doesn't mean that all of my forces should switch over to it - it probably has kinks that need worked out long before we do that.  
If a there's a terrific piece of property that I want, but the rightful owner has refused to sell, I shall simply increase the offer. If the owner holds out at ten times the value of the property, I shall merely shake his hand, and wish him the best of luck with the property. I will then see about buying another piece of property that is just as good.  
If I decided to try to intimidate the rightful landowner, only for a mysterious stranger to show up, and best those I'd sent out to intimidate the landowner, I shall have this stranger investigated.  
If someone is holding me at gunpoint, I won't make any threats towards their family, implied or otherwise - they just might blow my head off anyways.  
While Rule 56 shall be respected, I should not be accepting those minions past Basic Training if they cannot hit a man-sized target at 10 meters, unless they have other talents that would benefit my Legions of Terror in a non-combatant capacity. If so, they shall be moved to that capacity rather than killed. This is in keeping with my A Father to His Men persona, if such is deemed necessary. However, I shall still encourage them to rectify the reason their aim sucked.  
Those in my Legions of Terror who display tactical initiative and flair in achieving difficult objectives, such as neutralizing the Hero or his merry band of miscreants, shall be decorated and promoted within reason.  
Those in command positions within my Legions of Terror will be expected to understand the latest tactics appropriate for the settings. Things such as the phalanx, combined-arms assault, flanking marches, or other related maneuvers will be expected to be understood. If they are not, my commanders will be fired. From the nearest piece of artillery.  
While losses are acceptable in any campaign of conquest, the idea that We Have Reserves is not acceptable excuse for Pyrrhic Victories. As my lines of communication will likely require manning garrisons across enemy territory and morale will likely be tested within my Legions of Terror, it's expected that my commanders will understand basic tactics. Attacking an enemy's logistics works just as well as a full frontal assault and with less casualties. Equipment can be replaced, but a hardened core of veterans takes much longer. As a corollary, I will maintain a healthy prospective of my strategic position at all times while in the field.  
If feasible, I will not loot and pillage cities who surrender to my Legions of Terror without struggle. Citizens in these cities will be offered the same rights and protections as those under my dominion. I shall not attempt to subvert their religious practices in favor of those of my Empire. Rather, they shall enjoy their faith along with those within my Empire. This isn't so much in keeping with good public relations, though that has its benefits. It's simply saves resources in garrisoning and administration. And having to rebuild the economy of a strategically important city is dreadfully dull. As such, this would help to streamline integration of these newly conquered lands into my ever expanding empire.  
However, those that do not surrender will meet with a Kill Sat shot. Survivors will be allowed to flee in small numbers to spread the word to surrounding cities.  
I shall understand that a healthy economy at home is necessary for a war machine to function. As such, my empire/dominion will maintain policies promoting economic growth with reasonable taxation and tariffs. While I will maintain a healthy confidence in my own military and administrative capabilities, my underlings that are watching the home front will invariably be holding the Idiot Ball at some point. As such, the possibilities of a rebellion at home should be kept to a minimum. As an aside, if my underlings do not keep to the guidelines laid out before them, they will be dismissed. Off of a cliff.  
Pursuant to that, my home guard will be activated while my Legions of Terror are campaigning. Also, a portion of those Legions will be based strategically around my domain, both to quell uprisings or slow an enemy army while the rest of my Legions return to deal with this threat.  
I shall take a page from the Roman Empires book and have my Legions of Terror trained in multiple aspects of engineering, such as construction and foraging. This not only benefits my logistics greatly, it will benefit those members of my Legions when they retire to civilian life inside my domain and attempting to find a normal job.  
Those whom retire with honor after a number of years from my Legions of Terror will be paid a healthy pension and retirement benefits, including health and mental care. They shall be given a plot of land or home to do with as they see fit. Not only does this generate interest in their families and general populace in joining my Legions of Terror, it maintains good PR at home.  
My infrastructure in my homelands shall be created to be as self-sustaining as possible. Where feasible, renewable resources of energy and materials, such as timber, will be used if such will be a benefit. Hospitals and care-centers will be properly staffed and funded. If the setting allows, I will also put forth a comprehensive recycling program to lessen the burden on finding new sources of raw materials. Civil administrators will be selected based upon loyalty and ability. Manufacturing and related industries will be de-centralized and with a high degree of technological sophistication. A portion of my R&D budget will be put into conservation techniques and ecological sciences. This will achieve multiple objectives. First, I will not be piss off whatever Nature Spirits that happen to live in my domain. Second, a populace that has its basic needs met will be less inclined to join the Rebellion. Third, this keeps in line with my machinations as a Villain with Good Publicity. Lastly, my newly conquered territories will see the benefits of subjugation.  
Though this has been stated, slaves will not be used in place of machines in dangerous occupation.  
I shall remember that economic and diplomatic methods of annexation can be just as effective as a well oiled war machine at a fraction of the cost. As such, attempts at coercion that lead to a peaceful and willful annexation of a territory shall be exercised where possible. If this fails and the territory is necessary to further my goals and plans at that time, the subjects of that territory shall learn how my Legions got their name.  
I will listen to my Intelligence Services when they sound a warning of a danger on or within my borders, regardless of how small. I shall evaluate their evidence and take all due considerations into account before taking action. After all, it's what they are paid for. That said, if they happen to identify a new born who it prophesied to become the hero, due action shall be taken pursuant to other rules within this list.  
Though I am not answerable to the courts in my own domain, this does not mean I will not be subject to an International Tribunal should I be conquered or the Rebellion somehow succeeds. As such, plausible deniability and OpsSec will be maintained to any extent possible.  
While World Conquest shall always be the overriding goal, I shall portray myself to not be the greatest threat to the world. Pursuant to other rules, if I share borders with a power who's ruler aims to prove they are Eviler Than Thou, than I shall help the Hero and his band of miscreants against this power. Not only does play my enemies against one another, I will be in a position to pick up the pieces. As a corollary, this does not preclude from aiding the other side if there is benefit, nor does it preclude me from assisting another new Evil Overlord secure his dominion. If my propaganda...information services are doing their job, they will be painted as the great Eldritch Abomination before long anyway. Wash, rinse, repeat.  
If the Rule of Two is in effect, and I know full well that my apprentice, or dragon, will take my place, one way or another, I shall set up a situation, wherein I fake my death, and watch from the safety of a secret holiday resort as they set about trying to lead things. If they do a competent job, and actually hold their own against others, and make sure that the empire doesn't burn to the ground, I'll retire. If they mess things up royally, then I will come back, kick their ass, kick the asses of the other would-be renegades, and basically inform everyone that I'm back!  
If my plan involves using an artifact belonging to an outlaw, and I've tracked them to their hometown, where they are on good terms with the local law, as in they don't cause trouble there, and they happen to have family there, I'll make things as peaceable as possible, as I don't need them to form an Enemy Mine with the law, nor do I need them to go Papa Wolf if their family is threatened.  
If I plan to use a Horror Hunger monster to kill a Hero, I'll make sure that I have the means to satisfy its hunger when it finishes the job. And even in that case I'll order to prepare a remote-controlled bomb (or something like this) in order to quickly kill the monster should it get too dangerous to control.  
My underlings will be informed that the more important part about escaping after getting away from the authorities or the Hero is this - getting away! If they are able to sneak away from the law, good. If they must fight the law, do so. If they must run from a fight, do it! If they must leave a favorite weapon in the hands of someone that stole the weapon from them first, leave it and steal it later! If they have a grudge against some fella that stole from them, Forget It! Escaping is their First and Only Priority!  
If some idiot decides that, instead of escaping, to steal back a favorite weapon, and kills half the town in the process to do so, I will personally, in the middle of the night, drop them in front of the law building, Sheriff's Office, City Guard Station, or whatever the local law enforcement is, knock on the door, and get out before the door opens. Whether said idiot will be a corpse or bound and gagged will depend upon if I feel like doing the law a favor in killing the bastard, or if I should let them have the satisfaction of doing the job themselves.  
The only exception to doing anything other than escaping in the above situation is if the item or person in question is vital to my plan's success, and I need them. That being said, I will chew out the minion if they decide to kill half the town just to get the needed item or person for my plan.  
Just because I Own This Town, this doesn't mean that I should be a jerk towards those who don't follow me, even if I have the police in my pocket, and have a large gang. After all, they might band together to fight me, or hire some poor wandering warrior for food, and a place to stay, and then they proceed to kick my ass.  
If I find out that my son is destined to become a Hero, lead the Rebellion against me, defeat me, and then become ruler afterwards, I shall, at the very least, make sure that he will be a capable leader for after the rebellion, and that the kingdom, or whatever it's reformed into, doesn't collapse within a week after he takes over.  
If for any reason there exists a powerful entity or nation that has remained neutral in my overall conflict with the Rebellion, Hero, or whoever else I am currently at war with, I will be sure to take some kind of binding oath to prevent me from doing anything to antagonize them. There is simply no pragmatic reason for doing so, and it will only aid the hero’s case for them to ally against me.  
Moreover, my minions will be instructed to do nothing to antagonize said neutral entity or nation, on pain of death, for the same reasons as above.  
If I decide to retire, I shall make sure to change my identity, move far away, and become nothing more than a nameless storekeeper. I shall also never speak about my past, beyond hinting that it is too painful for me to talk about.  
If I have retired, and moved to a place where no one knows me, I shall befriend the local law enforcement officers, because it is useful to have a friend on the force. If need be, I might hint to them that I once did some work for one warlord or another, but that I was trying to put it behind me, as if ashamed of what I did.  
If I have retired, and moved away, and managed to put my past behind me, only for the offspring of one of my past victims to show up and say "You Killed My Father", I'll carefully explain to them that it is unlikely for me to have been the person that did the deed. After all, would the Supreme Warlord be the sort of person who'd want to become a humble storekeeper?  
If I have retired, and managed to be harassed by the offspring of one of my past victims, I'll simply ask my local police friends for help. I'll only handle the matter personally if I seriously have no choice.  
The only time I will ever state that We Have Reserves is if there are actually more than enough reserves to offset any type or significance of loss in the long run.  
Take a bath, or a shower, or just plainly get cleaned up, if possible. It's one thing to have a rugged beard, and long hair, but when you're covered in filth and mud and blood, it's hard to conduct a meeting with the others keeping their distance from the stench.  
If somehow, Sapient Eat Sapient applies to the world, make sure that there is certain protection for those classified as Prey, so that Predators don't accidentally wipe them out. Setting up Age Restriction to protect Underage Prey, setting a Number Limit, make sure that prey in important positions are safe, and that single parents who don't have a back-up guardian for the children are safe. Also, make sure that Predators pay some sort of compensation, such as helping to pay for any debts the Prey owed in life, which would be useful if the Prey owed a massive hospital bill.  
I will always look servants in the eye. Treating them with some degree of well-earned respect rather than things for me to look down on and take advantage of is a great means of boosting morale and loyalty. And if the hero is dumb enough to pull the stunt of disguising themselves as servants , it’ll make the job of capturing and/or executing them that much easier.  
Have multiple different outfits, and even different versions of each outfit. This way I can blend in with any crowd, from a group of wealthy billionaires on down to common day laborers.  
When hunting, try to use every part of the animal, from snout to tail, or whatever body parts they have.  
If I'm the leader of an outlaw gang on the run, where everyone has to help out, and my Dragon shows up, having not been in camp for a few days, loaded with provisions, valuables that can be sold, and a lot of cash, I will not complain about him being a bit delinquent in helping out around the camp.  
On the other hand, if my Dragon shows up with a wardrobe's worth of expensive clothes, but nothing for the pot, not even a scrawny rabbit, I will chew him out for this. That being said, if it turns out that him having bought an expensive suit of clothes got him a valuable tip that leads to us getting a large amount of money, I will apologize for my harshness.  
If my Dragon comes back with a ridiculous outfit, due to him getting a bunch of rare collectibles for some merchants who then rewarded him with the outfit, along with a fat wad of cash that's big enough to get us out of the county, I will tell him that he did a good job, and while I won't laugh, I might suggest that he change into something less conspicuous.  
If my Dragon consistently points out the number of fallacies in my plans and how quickly things keep turning for the worst, whether it’s because of the fruitlessness of my plans or the constant intervention of forces that I cannot outright engage in an equal fight, and yet still remains loyal to me despite their doubts, I will treat it as a much needed Reality Check and correct my mistakes. After all, just like my trusted lieutenant, they are my trusted Dragon (if they’re not one in the same).  
If some fool decides to abduct the child of one of my underlings, I'll summon everyone to go and get them back! Odds are, most fools will give us the child back without too much fuss. If they refuse, they'll find a lot of weapons being pointed at them. If they still refuse - too bad, for them!  
If my Dragon, or another faithful member of my group, falls ill with a serious sickness, that will eventually lead to their death, I will offer them a large payment, if they wish to leave in order to live out their days peacefully. If they chose to stay, then I'll do all I can to help them out. When their dying day comes, I'll do everything I can to be there for them, and to see to it that they die peacefully, even if that means having to hold back a large army by myself!  
If worse comes to worse, with the enemy at the gates, and I'm dying from injury or sickness, I'll tell those who have faithfully served me that they can sneak out the secret exit that will lead them to safety away from my base. By the time my enemies get to me, they'll only find me, all set to flip the switch, or pull a lever, or some such thing, that causes the destruction of the entire place.  
It is one thing to tease that lazy old man with the phony disability, or rib on someone whose plans tend to backfire on them, but that guy that goes around antagonizing others for no good reason is going to get the boot, if lucky, or get shot, if unlucky.  
Always have multiple weapons. After all, I have multiple enemies.  
Just because I'm the Big Bad, that doesn't mean that I can't be the Big Good, well, when compared to everyone else out there. In fact, I could even be a Nominal Hero.  
Alternatively, if I'm the Big Good, when compared to everyone else out there, I shall see about employing the hero myself. If he asks if I'm evil, I'll tell him straight out that indeed I am, but that makes me a much better choice than those who believe themselves to be good when in truth they are just as evil as I am, if not even worse.  
If it turns out that the so-called hero has fallen into Black and White Insanity, and is going after little old ladies for jaywalking, or for thanking me after I get them that last jar of relish that was up on the very top store at the supermarket, give them the beating that they need. If this snaps them out of their insanity, good. Otherwise, make sure that they can't endanger anyone else  
If my Dragon, who has just recently been doing a number of jobs for me, like killing my enemies, bringing in loads of provisions, lots of money and valuables that could be sold for money, items that help spruce the place up, as well as locating a small item that I asked him to get, like a nice pipe to replace the one that I lost, I won't complain too much if he decides to have some fun, like buying some new guns, customizations for said guns, loads of new clothes, gambling, spending time with women of ill-repute, or taking a nice hot bath, providing that he uses his own money for such fun things, and remembers to bring me, or the camp, some useful items, like more provisions, valuables, and money. Oh, and perhaps a nice hat for me.  
The important thing about having hostages is this - they keep the other side from shooting me. Therefor, it's in my best interest to keep said hostages relatively safe from harm, and order out for pizza if need be to feed them, although odds are that the delivery person will probably be one of the law enforcement guys, so make sure to bring out at least one hostage while one of my guys picks up the food from the officer.  
If I am the faithful Dragon, and have been so for years, but when things have gone from bad to worse, and worse yet still, it might be a good idea to take over, especially if the leader has started to lose it. Of course, out of respect, I'll try to do it peacefully, with a loophole that would let the old leader take power back if I messed up royally, with the explanation that he needs some time without the stress of leadership affecting him. However, if he refuses to relinquish leadership, and has clearly lost it - well, I'm sorry, old friend - Boom, Headshot!. As for that Ax-Crazy psychopath that manipulated him into making things worse - I'll fill that bastard with enough lead to sink a boat.  
See that random guy clearly in need of help - there's nothing wrong with helping them, so long as it doesn't lead to me getting arrested by the authorities of course. After all, they might return the favor, and get me something nice, or give me something nice, or they might save my life, somehow.  
If I manage to give myself superpowers, and I am now strong enough to rival the strongest superhero out there, if I go to their hometown to fight them, only to find just a bunch of B-Listers instead, because the big guy is out saving the day elsewhere but these guys were sent to be part of a parade that the big guy was supposed to be in, I shall ask them to tell him to call me to schedule a fight later, as fighting the lower ranked heroes would be a waste of my time. Reason is this - they would have more to gain by merely fighting me, and proving themselves to be heroes to those initially disappointed in seeing them instead of their favorite big guy, than I would in fighting and beating them.  
If I find myself on the run, with only one loyal minion, and I am dying of sickness or injury, with it quite clear that I'm not going to make it, if I get it into my head to give my minion my possessions, make sure to give him some valuables that he can easily sell and what's left of my money, so that he can be able to get what he needs in order to survive.

I shall not allow senseless bloodshed to occur. If someone is to be killed, there'd better be a very good reason. If I catch someone, even if they are one of my own, killing just to kill, they will find themselves facing an execution squad, and I'll see about having their victims, or the family/friends of the victims, have the first opportunity about being on the squad.

If I see some guy, who has killed dozens, if not hundreds, of members of my group, sitting at a campfire, doing nothing to me at the moment, it might be a good idea to leave them be.

When committing a crime in a town I do not control, when my group is coming in, in ones and twos, make sure that we aren't all dressed identical. Nothing says "Bad Guys are Here!" like a number of men dressed all in black showing up in the same place at the same time.

Likewise, when robbing a bank, make sure that the lookout watches how the people react, especially if they all quietly clear the street, and the lookout gets the funny feeling that those windows in the hotel across from him are now filled with folks waiting their turn at the Shooting Gallery, and he's about to become one of the targets. In such cases, he is to let me know, and once we have the money, we'll slip out the back. That being said, make sure that the back door is safe as well. Otherwise, it might be a better idea to just drop the guns and surrender.

If there is a group of peaceful nonviolent farmers that I regularly terrorize, especially by having them line up, and slap them silly, if I see a couple of new people in the line, it might be a good idea to know who they are, just in case they are the sort who believe in "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" and a hard blow to the head in retaliation for a slap to the face!  
If it has been a few decades, or centuries, since the last time a particular planet has been investigated, and has been marked for conquest, or the usual snatch and grab type of raid, it might be a good idea to do a current investigation of the planet - just because military forces on the planet marched with sharpened blades on sticks back during the first investigation doesn't mean that they haven't invented something that looses thirty projectiles in a second, and keep it up all day!  
If a planet marked for conquest has devices that share information about what's going on orbiting the planet, it might be a good idea to go through the information on them before attacking. After all, it might be useful if destroying a certain White House in the middle of the Washington District of Columbia will cause the locals to surrender, or piss them off to no end.  
Likewise, when checking out those orbiting information devices, figure out the differences between fact and fiction. The one might be more entertaining than the other, but it is not true. Then again, sometimes the real stuff can be stranger than the fake stuff.  
If I am a mundane human criminal committing a crime, only for an obviously superhuman police officer, such as an android or a werewolf, to show up, and point a mundane weapon at me, such as a handgun, it might be a good idea to drop my weapons and surrender. After all, they don't need to use that handgun to kill me if I try to shoot it out with them.  
If for some reason I am forced to team up with the Hero, there'd better be a damn good reason if I'm not as powerful as the Hero, despite the fact that I used to kick his ass on a regular basis. Such acceptable reasons include, recovering from an injury inflicted upon me, my favorite weapon being stolen and I'm forced to make due with an unfamiliar weapon, my powers having been locked away, or the Hero trained hard enough to be able to kick my ass only to find me having been already bested by someone stronger than me.  
If for some reason I'm forced to team up with the Hero, my Minions had better still follow me - those that do will be rewarded, where as those that defect will be severely punished - unless they give me a very good reason, like their family was held hostage.  
I will set up a council of scientists whose job it is to constantly monitor the stability of the planet’s ecosystem, and advise me on future policies and facilities to ensure said stability. Polluting the planet, over-hunting, and unchecked expansionism will only make the planet eventually inhospitable and prevent any possible chance of my empire surviving in the future. It’s also a great way of ensuring the local nature deities won’t join forces with the hero. After all, I may be an evil Overlord, but at least I’m an evil Overlord that appreciates the power of nature.  
If I have retired, I shall, discreetly, investigate anyone claiming to be me. I mean, just because I might be out of the Overlord business doesn't mean that I can't at least have a decent reputation to uphold.  
If the Impostor is a joke, to the point that even my weakest foes could have bested him in their sleep, I'll merely tell him that being an Evil Overlord doesn't pay as well as it used to, and point out all of the various financial costs, like paying the minions, building upkeep, and let's not forget about the eventual hospital bill. Odds are that they will quit after learning about those previously untold expenses.  
If the Impostor is certainly eviler than me, and worth the exercise, with a nice bounty on their head, I shall simply beat them, but in order to fool the onlookers, I'll make the fight seem more difficult than it actually is, by not using all of my power, by using my unfavorite hand, using my least favorite weapon (although I will be reasonably familiar with it), faking a few injuries, like a limp in my leg and having my main arm in a cast, and all that. Then, just before I kill the Impostor, I'll whisper into their ear my real identity - actually, do that while they are already dying and unable to harm me. After that, collect the bounty that was placed on "my" head.  
Alternatively, instead of being the Overlord, be the Adviser to the Overlord. That way, when the inevitable uprising occurs, and the Rebellion manages to storm the throne room, which I'll leave just before this occurs, even to seemingly assist the Rebellion at times, and it will be their head that ends up on a spear shaft. As for me, well, the new guy will need an Adviser, and it seems there's a vacancy that I can fill.  
If I have "hired" some street rat in order to get an item for me, I shall indeed "repay" them, with a nice bag of money. After all, good help is hard to find, and I might have use for them later on down the line.  
If that Royal, whom I work for, is looking for a suitable suitor for their daughter, I shall remember the Street Rat who had helped me out before, and pay them another visit, and tell them that they might be able to help me to solve another problem, and mention the Princess in passing.  
In fact, if I was looking for the street rat, only for the guards to capture him having been with the Princess, who had runaway from the palace, I shall have him brought before the Royal family, and simply explain that the guards might have been slightly overzealous when I told them to find him, and explain to the Royal family that the young man is a solution to a very serious problem that threatens the kingdom, with the over-zealousness being due to the man's minor criminal record and the fact that he was with the Princess.  
During the meeting with the Royal family, I will at some point pause, ask for the Royals' apologies, and then walk up to the young man, to carefully examine him, remarking how he looks so familiar, before recognition seems to come upon me, at which I'll say, "It can't be." When everyone asks "What?", I'll simply states that he reminds me of a Lord who had been murdered some years prior, with their entire family slain, including a young boy, who would be the young man's age, had he lived, seeding the possibility that the young man might be the son of some dead Lord, and thus eligible to marry the Princess.  
Eventually, after some "Heroic Deeds", the Street Rat will prove their worth, marry the Princess, and guess who gets to advise him on how to rule his new kingdom? Me! Muhahaha!  
If at any point the Hero loses their memory to some sort of violent trauma-induced amnesia and I choose to employ them, I will personally hunt down every single aspect of their past and erase it from existence. I will then create a very highly detailed backstory for them that absolutely vilifies everything from their past and paints me as the hero. And I will instruct my minions to treat the Hero with genuine respect and camaraderie. Those with personal vendettas against the Hero and refuse to get over it will be assigned to other, more covert tasks that are as far away from the Hero as possible.  
If for some reason, my armor designers decide to make armor for the female minions that emphasizes the fact that they are female, with a large chest and/or breasts, make sure that it is practical, and that there is adequate padding between the body and the armor itself. After all, there's plenty of armors that show off male anatomy, like the codpiece, which is probably less practical than a fancified breastplate!  
Make sure that there's at least a few women on the design team that's making armor for female minions.  
If my fighters are the sort that could care less about armor, then make sure that they have a decent shield for protection.  
Outfits for my forces shall consist of the following - Glasses to protect the eyes from the sun as well as dust (vision correction as well if needed), Helmet to protect the head from accident and enemy attack, Protective mask to protect the face from injury (identity concealment, optional), Armor that protects from weapon attacks, animal attacks, the environment, and has ammunition pouches for easier reloading, Gloves to protect the hands from blisters during fighting and from sharp objects while scavenging for items, as well as sturdy boots that can protect the feet, both for marching and kicking down doors. Other equipment will depend on specialty, such as medical equipment and trap disposal, but all will know how to use the equipment.  
If my villainous plan involves killing exactly half of the entire universe, I will make sure that any and all heroes who just tried to stop me are not part of the surviving half.  
My mobile containment device will be regularly checked for scratches, cracks, damages, etc.. In addition, it will be kept on my person on all times, not strapped to the back of my ship.  
If a faithful minion of mine has been captured by Law Enforcement, do everything I can to get him back - arrange for someone to pay his bail, bribe the guards, or just blast the cell open. This will make them exceptionally loyal.  
On the other hand, is said minion has been disloyal, antagonistic towards the others in the group, and is proving to be more trouble than they are worth, leave them to rot. They might even serve as a warning to those who displease me.  
If I come upon a place, where the locals help me and mine to heal up from a recent scrape with "hostile natives" (actually, the Law), and they do so for free, even helping to get us supplies, I will thank them for their help, and leave them alone - might need that place again.  
If I have the only person who can defeat me at my mercy, I will not settle for brainwashing her and sending her to fight her friends. I will instead slit her throat.  
If my Dragon suggests this as a plan, perhaps it is time to look for a new Dragon.  
Just because I am Evil-aligned, this doesn't mean that I can't be honorable, especially if it means that Karma will look more favorably towards me if I am.  
If I am indeed an Evil Ruler, whose lands happen to be bordered by those ruled by a Good Ruler, I shall take no aggressive actions towards them - they cannot react if I do not act after all.  
If my evil-aligned lands are indeed bordered by good-aligned lands, I will set up favorable trade deals, that benefit both of us, a non-aggression pact, and a whole lot of things that will at least make the other side think that I am, at the very least, a reasonable and honorable person, which will make them less likely to attack me.  
If I find myself in a Treasure Island kind of situation, I'll instruct my men to carefully examine that three-quarters empty apple barrel, or any other nearly empty food container that could fit a youth in it, by looking into it. Same applies to other such places that a youth could hide at in the room. Should that cabin boy be found, the men will have prior instructions to joke about that "Big Apple" that they found in the barrel, and send them off to scrub that section that's on the other side of the ship. After that, we'll get on with the meeting.  
If in a Treasure Island type of situation, if I find out that one of mine had murdered an officer loyal to the Captain, without my permission, I'll have that man see me privately in the gallery, as that's where I'm working at. I will then cause a loud commotion, call them a murderer, claim that I won't let them kill the boy, get into a fight with them, and, kill them! I'll then claim that they had bragged about murdering the officer, and that they threatened to kill the cabin boy if I didn't go along with their plan to commit mutiny against the Captain, perhaps even blubbering and crying, and perhaps being sick to my stomach about having to kill that man. Thus the Captain, seeing that I am indeed loyal, and remorseful about what I did, will see that my killing of the man was justified, and not punish me too seriously.  
Make sure that my people have different types of food to eat, especially if I find myself as a Lord in a Stronghold game.  
Just because I'm from a race that is Always Lawful Good, does not mean that I cannot be a villain. One would be surprised at the number of Villains who are members of supposedly good races.  
If for any reason my Dragon asks me if they could form a team comprised of some of my other underlings for the express purpose of finding my old friends and comrades, and the team comprises of individuals who are ‘’extremely’’ dangerous even to me, I will disband the group immediately and privately investigate my Dragon for any potential ulterior motives. At best, the investigation will turn up nothing and prove my suspicions wrong. At worst, I’ll have to quickly deal with a potential civil war, an insurrection, the murder of my old friends, or all of the above,  
If I am the Ruler of a county, I shall have a Secret Identity that is actually an Open Secret, in the form of a non-commissioned officer, or equivalent, in the military. This will allow me to get to personally escort those suspicious individuals to deem if they are indeed a threat to my lands or not. Of course, since the most observant of these individuals will occasionally see Officers looking at a mere Sergeant, with a bit more respect than normally allotted to one, my cover shall include a special medal of bravery, or equivalent, which also grants one an Honorary Title of Honorary Prince, which will help if a regular soldier accidentally calls me, Your Highness. After all, there's plenty of such medals where a higher ranked officer has to salute an inferior if said inferior is a recipient of, such as the Medal of Honor.  
If I have an Open Secret Secret Identity while serving in the military, said identity will have a name similar to my own, or perhaps I'll just use the same name as my real identity, and I shall put myself through the same Basic Training every other soldier goes through. After all, since every one in my nation is going to know the truth anyways, might at least know enough about what I claim to be while in the alternative identity, at least enough to fool a member of a foreign nation at any rate.  
The cover story for my Open Secret Secret Identity, in regards to why I have that particular medal that allows my "Superior" Officer to respect me more than normally allowed, as well as grants me an Honorary Title, shall me fairly simple, and plausible - that I saved someone who was in danger of drowning in a fast-flowing river, risking my own life in the process, and that this person turned out to have been the leader of my country, for which I was rewarded with the medal.  
Alternatively, if I actually do something honestly worthy of the medal, that will be used instead.  
I will remember that police forces, military, and the like shoot at center of mass for a reason. Once target is downed, THEN shoot them in the face. Twice. Same applies for my troops.  
If I am in a Big Bad Ensemble, and the heroes are fighting my rival(s), I will take a page from Galeem and Dharkon's book and take the opportunity to kill everyone while they are distracted.  
Sometimes the best alibi for a crime, is to confess to having done the deed in a manner different from what actually happened. For instance, smother the victim, clean the scene, make the corpse look like they were sleeping, and a little while later, shoot the body, and then confess to shooting the victim. Once the crime lab finds out that the victim was already dead when I shot them, I'll just be charged with "attempted" murder, which has a much lighter sentence than an "actual" murder charge. If I pull it off correctly, I'll be out within ten years, less with good behavior.  
Unless there is a much more practical for doing otherwise, I will always have my highly advanced spacefaring warship blast the hell out of the hero’s location before trying to get the MacGuffin. Doing so after I send my army to get the MacGuffin from the heroes is just a waste of valuable resources and only breeds resentment and weak morale among my forces. Best case scenario, most of the heroes die and my army can pick off the rest while I get the MacGuffin. Worst case scenario, assuming the MacGuffin isn’t my Soul Jar, the MacGuffin is destroyed and I am forced to achieve my goals with much more conventional and pragmatic means.  
If I am a magic-user, it would be a good idea to know about the current levels of Muggle technology, especially in an Urban Fantasy or Science Fantasy setting.  
Anyone within my Legions of Terror who decides to get an ear gauge (a ring-like accessory that leads to wider holes than standard ear piercings) will be shot on sight. I will not get any myself.  
Hoop earrings, or any type of danglers, are problems waiting to happen.  
If in a world that has both Sufficiently Advanced Technology and Sufficiently Advanced Magic, or at least a decent level of both, I shall have three research teams, one working on Technology, one working on Magic, one working on Both, and members of each team can help those on each of the others.  
If I am the Ruler of Hell, unless I am the one making the rules, I shall make sure that I am up to date on what is, and is not, a sin, or a crime worth punishing. During the eleventh century, for instance, it was acceptable for 30-year old men to marry 13-year old girls, while two men having sex with each other was considered a hideous crime. In the twenty-first century, two men having sex with each other is acceptable, while a 30-year old man marrying a 13-year old girl is a hideous crime.  
Depending upon magical/technological levels, me and my forces will each have the equivalent of the Bag of Holding in order to carry food, medical supplies, as well as items of interest. We shall also carry Bottomless Ammo Pouches, Arrow Quivers, Knife Belts, and other such things, in order to make sure that we never run out of ammo.  
I will not blab about my plans to do horrible, horrible things to the hero's loved ones before I have actually executed them.  
In the event I ever meet someone I suspect is my long-lost abandoned child, who has the ability to induce psychotic breakdowns at will, I will not employ them as my hitman - I will immediately kill them.  
In the event that I am a Necromancer, I will not resurrect a Hero who has fallen in battle. Odds are, they'd fight me, even if it meant dying again after vanquishing me, like that one skeleton knight.  
When it comes to expanding my Empire, I will not go after lands ruled by Good Rulers, as I'd lose that war anyways. Instead, I'll go after lands ruled by those eviler than me - I'm much more likely to win that war. The only exception to the Good Ruler rule is if the person has given into Black and White Insanity - those guys are not right in the head, and even the average person would prefer a stable Evil Overlord over an unstable Good Ruler.  
If I decide to decorate my outfit or lair with spikes, they will be the kind that kill heroes in one shot.  
Of course, if up against Snake People, spikes strategically placed upon my outfit; knees, elbows, and a few other places, will reduce the odds of them wrapping me up.  
Make damn sure that my taxes are paid up. I do not need an agent from the Intimidating Revenue Service to show up at an inopportune time.  
Due to the fact that the Knight in Shining Armor tends to save them, I shall not kidnap those princesses, no matter how pretty they look. Instead, I shall befriend their parents, and simply set things up so that an Arranged Marriage to me looks good from their point of view, and I get things legally.  
In the event that one of my rivals decides to kidnap the princess, I shall go out to save the princess, and thus get the reward of half, or all, of their kingdom, their hand in marriage, and the treasury. And it definitely doesn't hurt my image, either.  
If living in one of those Fantasy, Science Fiction, or Science Fantasy worlds that have multiple sapient races, or species, make sure that everyone has equal rights. Makes things much easier, for the most part.  
If I am normally a Hero, but I've found myself in a land where the local "hero" is someone with Black and White Insanity, who gives out Disproportionate Retribution for the slightest of offenses, and the local "villain" is really a Punch-Clock Villain who mainly exists as the so-called "hero's" punching bag, and keeps them from going after the average citizen for "so-called crimes", then by all means, take out this Fake Hero.  
I will drill into the heads of my minions, lieutenants, and Dragon that under no circumstances are they to allow the hero a shot at a fair fight, no matter how much they may want to kill the hero under such circumstances, and ensure they will kill the hero the millisecond the opportunity presents itself. Any who refuse to do so, whether it’s due to some sense of honor, relation to the hero, admiration of the hero, or a personal vendetta, will be reassigned and relocated to some distant part of my Empire for the time being. Unless they’ve proven to be particularly disloyal and/or disobedient, and thus there’s no good reason to keep them around, in which case they’ll be summarily executed on the spot.  
When guarding a prison cell, I will not be fooled into opening the cell door by the prisoner smiling and winking at me, then lowering himself behind the door.  
I will carefully study my enemies' biology and take advantage of it. For example, if I am faced with normal humans, and I have the means to, I will issue rubber bullets coated in lactic acid to my troops, which will be used to non-lethally incapacitate intruders.  
Likewise, double-check my own race's biology, and prepare for possible weaknesses my enemies might use against me. For instance, if my race is reptilian, areas that drop below a certain temperature for part of the area might not be worth taking over. On the other hand, a thick winter coat can keep my troops warm, and act as a low-grade form of body armor.  
Once this list and all it's modules are inside my safety deposit box, I will root out any repeated entries and precede any countermeasures to them with "If in a temporary fit of insanity I do". This will make it easier to memorize.  
If I am unable to apply rule number 1553 and I find myself with resource scarcity, and only if I lack a Cosmic Keystone to replenish them, I will research a Portal Network that can lead to other galaxies/dimensions for mining.  
In the event that upon arrival I find (the previously studied) Grand Admiral Thrawn in a position of command, and specially if the Emperor isn't around, I will quietly gather just enough resources to build a portal back and quietly escape. It is not worth the risk.  
If in a Medieval-themed Fantasy, and I need to armor a lot of lower-class troops, I will look into that form of armor known as the Gambeson. Made from linen, it is crafted in layers, and is effective enough to protect against arrows, and reduce the amount of injuries from other weapons, and is just as good, if not better, than leather armor, not to mention cheaper and easier to produce. Plus, it would get me the patronage of Youtuber Shadiversity, who will at least say that I am awesome for picking this type of armor, as it is much more realistic. Besides, it also functions similar to a winter coat, which is useful in Europe-styled settings.  
In a Fantasy setting, I shall see to it that all possibilities are explored, especially where weapons and armor are concerned. For all I know, despite the usual stereotypes, my mages and archers might actually benefit from wearing plate armor. Of course, if metal armor isn't good for say a mage's ability to use magic effectively, or reduces the sneaking capabilities of my thieves, then I shall make use of the Gambeson, which is made from thick cloth, which should allow my mage to use magic, and for my thief to be sneaky.  
In the event that centaurs exist, in one way or another, one thing I shall try to convince them to do is allow a rider on their back, especially in combat. Since they'll probably refuse, at least initially, I shall set up an experiment, where one centaur warrior trains with a human rider fighter for a month or so, learning how to utilize the various weapons centaurs and mounted fighters tend to use, and then have them engage in mock combat against another centaur and a rider on their usual mount. Should the centaur with a rider best the other two, or at least hold their own well enough that it was a struggle for the other two to beat them, it will be used as proof to allow for the possibility of getting centaurs to allow riders on their backs.  
If I am the leader of a group of eight, or more, people, who are traveling, and a handful of bandits, beasts, or other hostiles, attack, I won't match them man-for-man - I'll have everyone ready to take part in the fight. Odds are, the other side will decide to leave my group alone. Failing that, I have more people on my side than they do. Some might even be able to switch places with those who are tired, or double-team, or even triple-team, the enemy.  
I will order my Dragon and minions to destroy the heroes’ Getaway Car instead of disabling it, if they ever manage to trap the heroes in a certain location.  
If I have access to a castle, or some other building/place that can provide my forces with a defensive advantage, I will station as many of my fighters inside of it as I can. There is no reason to place my forces in front of it, as that just throws away any advantage. This is especially true in the event that I'm outnumbered.  
Remember one thing about being a defender in a siege - if my base is properly set up, I can simply wait for rescue, as my friends and allies should receive word of my need, especially if messages have been sent out.


	2. Chapter 2

In the event that I am wealthy, as is another family or group, if they decide to go into an area of business that's beyond my understanding, I shall not enter into a pointless competition with them by entering into the same business. This also applies to things like vehicles, home decorations, weaponry, and other such things.  
Make sure that the armor that my forces use is appropriate to the situation. Depending on the forces I'm fighting against, or with, changes might need to be made.  
It is safer to assume that a minority group will understand, if not necessarily speak, the language of the majority, than to assume that they do not understand. It might keep one from accidentally, or intentionally, offending the wrong sort of people, especially if they can also use the language of the majority.  
Even if I have superpowers, it might be a good idea to have normal, bodyguards. Reason is, if I'm dealing with a superhero who has a Thou Shalt Not Kill, that superhero will be forced to hold back, to avoid causing serious injury to my bodyguards. That being said, if dealing with someone who doesn't have that rule, make sure to have powered bodyguards as well, and have my normal ones get to safety.  
Remember to use a weapon that's practical to the given situation. If I can use a crossbow to snipe an enemy at a distance, instead of trying to charge at them from over three hundred feet away with just a knife, do it.  
Pursuant to other rules on this list, I shall keep in mind that once my dominion has been secured, my word should be the law. As such, I should evaluate whether or not marrying the princess is absolutely necessary to "legitimize" my rule. After all, royal bloodlines often can be changed thanks to the barrel of a gun.  
If marrying the princess is not absolutely necessary, she shall be dealt with pursuant to other rules within this list.  
If marriage is necessary to continue my bloodline and my Trusted Lieutenant, who has been there since the beginning and know exactly how much of an evil bastard I truly am, exhibits the appropriate interest I will consider the appropriate possibilities, benefits, and consequences of pursuing said relationship. As mentioned previously, there is no reason I cannot harness The Powerof Love for my own benefit, in addition to keeping the Dark Action Girl near at hand.  
I shall not hold the past deeds of a people's ancestors against them. Got to move forward with the times, and not live in the past.  
When it comes to food information, make sure to list nutrition content for eating/drinking the entire package. Granted, it might not stop people from eating 800+ calories worth of snacks, but at least they'd be aware of the amount.  
No matter how awesome or sexy an outfit looks, should my troops be unable to complete the safe and basic obstacle course in it, to say nothing about the more advanced, and riskier, obstacle course, I shall not make my troops wear said outfit.  
Never ever rob a doughnut shop, or a fast-food joint, or any of those other places where the police, town guard, or space patrol, or local law-enforcement equivalent, like to hang out at, especially if they are the sort of places where one can get a late-night snack or meal. More than one would-be thief has found this out the hard way.  
No matter how good the benefits of doing so might be, I will not work with Nazis. Unless you’re fighting prehistoric vampire-eating Pillar Men, the only possible result is a Karmic Death.  
I will not attempt to use the Omnicidal Maniac being of pure destruction as a weapon. It won’t end well.  
If I am the Omnicidal Maniac, I will not attempt to destroy the world during the big battle between The Hero and the Big Bad. While it might be dramatic, it will only result in them teaming up to stop me. Instead, I will help the Big Bad defeat the hero, then Kill 'Em All while the Big Bad is busy founding his new empire.  
If I the dominant power in my world, and I am given a choice between developing a new superweapon capable of destruction on an entirely new scale or a Boring, but Practical equipment upgrade that makes my army more efficient, I will choose the equipment upgrade, unless I have a VERY good reason to choose the superweapon. Superweapons always have a weakness that my enemies can exploit. An army is usually harder to destroy.  
If I am not the dominant power in my world, I will create TWICE as many superweapons as I think I need. And I will keep the existence of the other half secret, and store them separately from the ones I plan to use to make threats.  
In the event that wearing a Badass Cape is the height of fashion, but I wish to prevent that age-old Cape Snag, simply wear one that can be easily removed, in order to prevent such things. Who knows - my enemy, who might be counting on this, might be the one to come undone.  
While executing minions who fail me may be a tempting prospect, and may occasionally be necessary to keep my minions from getting reckless, it is also wasteful and may prevent me from recruiting new minions. I will try to limit it to costly failures and failures that could have been very easily avoided with even a little bit of thought. And I will remember that hindsight is 20/20, and things that seem obvious now might not have been at the time.  
Likewise, I shall refrain from killing minions or assets that have outlived their usefulness, unless I can’t control them, in case they become useful again in the future.

Alternatively, instead of killing those who have failed me, or have outlived their usefulness, the ones that just simply failed me too many times will simply be fired, and the ones that served me well will be given a nice severance package. After all, it's possible for failures to redeem themselves, and the useful ones can always come back to me if I need them again, or if they just need some sort of regular employment to put food on the table.

That being said, I reserve the right to kill minions that never learn from their mistakes.

If, for some reason, I require a rather lengthy regeneration process and have been performing sich a ritual throughout the course of the hero's journey, I will not interrupt the reincarnation when he arrives to fight him, as this practice tends to turn one into an Almighty Idiot. I will surround myself with whatever magical barrier is available to me at the time, one that is 100% Plot Coupon proof and will only open once the reincarnation is complete. If I'm strong enough, I will teleport FAR the hell away to somewhere relatively inconspicuous, such as the house of one of my minions or my past subjects to continue the process.

If I am ever sealed inside a particularly shoddy can, I will not perform petty acts like reviving my minions or spreading more of my influence whenever I gain ground against one of the various bonds imprisoning me. I will use my time, when not entertaining myself, to pinpoint the hero. Whenever I gain an advance, I will conjure a bare minimum of fifty (50) versions of my strongest minions, enhanced by my influence, around the hero, promptly obliterating him. Alternatively, if I intend to observe the law of Conservation of Ninjutsu, I will conjure an extremely enhanced version of a lieutenant directly at his location.

If I ever build a doomsday device that broadcasts the approximate time before its launch, I will set said launch time to the smallest increment of time possible. Even if this countdown is affected by temporal anomalies, any ground the hero gains, whether by exploiting the fact or not, will pose no threat whatsoever due to its minute size.  
Better yet, I won’t build a doomsday device at all. What’s the point of being an evil overlord if you have no subjects to rule over? Assuming I can even survive the doomsday event.  
If I am related to the hero in some way, such as being his sibling gone bad or a close friend influenced by an eldritch or demonic entity of some sort, when fighting them, I will attempt to make it look like I'm making a feeble attempt to resist whatever is "controlling" me, likely initiating an "I Know You're in There Somewhere" Fight. When the hero believes he's made enough progress to free me and lets his guard down, I will promptly fill him with holes.  
If I must undergo a final, desperate transformation, I will consider the advantages of making said final form something similar to the Great Old Ones. One doesn't need to fight if their opponent is permanently reduced to a gibbering loon upon the mere sight of your final form.  
If I discover some of my more powerful minions are resistant to attacks the hero carries that would decimate lower ones, such as an instant death or powerful poison spell, I will research what gives them this quality. If successful and the result is proven safe to apply through rigorous testing, I will distribute this effect to as many minions as possible. Same goes for any minion variants that happen to be immune to a certain attack and may or may not damage any users of said attack.  
Better yet, I will research the defensive qualities of minions that possess the innate quality of being exceptionally resilient, and apply this to all my minions and possibly myself.  
Some heroes possess the distinct lack of an ability to scale any surface over a meter in height. I will take full advantage of this and surround my fortress with decorative hedges. In case the hero can also wield genre-savviness and tries to walk through the bushes, they will also be a special breed with extremely spiky, poisonous leaves, and the area beyond the bushes will be guarded by my most powerful lesser minions. Let's see you get through this, Mr. Smartass.  
If I have a minion that I suspect to be The Starscream, and the heroes have reached the point that they present a significant threat to me, I will consider the merits of letting him betray me, escaping, and letting the heroes defeat him while I acquire more power.  
If I AM The Starscream, I will endeavor to be less evil than my master. If I betray him during his fight with the heroes and help kill him, they’ll probably let me go. I’ll still have to discreetly pick up the pieces, but I’ll be alive, with my boss out of the equation.  
I will mandate that chests cannot be used to store valuables, weapons, or anything with a healing ability. These sorts of things tend to help the hero along. Doubly so if the chests are in my elite minions' boss dungeons, or, heaven forbid, MY dungeon.  
On the matter of chests, some have an uncanny ability to perfectly preserve foodstuffs ad nauseam. I will research how this happens, similar to rules 1705 and 1706 above, and if proven safe, utilize the same principle on myself when mortally wounded, therefore allowing me to outlast the hero, heal myself when I get out and he's dead, and continue my reign.  
On the matter of chests, I will have a standard setup in dungeons. Have a few near the entrance with useful but not invaluable items, then connect an important-looking one to a death trap that the items will not protect against.  
The reason I won’t have all the chests be death traps is in case I ever am in danger and need to hide in one of my dungeons. I want emergency supplies to be on hand easily. I’ll just make sure to remember: Golden chest=death.  
Given that those Adventuring Heroes tend to do those dungeon runs, I will only have a few rooms in my dungeon, but each room is big enough to hold 100+ people, and I'll have as many mooks as possible in each of them. A Heroes Party of 5-10 is going to be seriously messed up if they somehow make it through all 500+ worth of my various fighters, mages, rangers, mage-fighters, mage-rangers, fighter-mages, fighter-rangers, ranger-fighters, ranger-mages, and those guys that can utilize melee, magic, and ranged abilities.  
I will have my minions raid any dungeons belonging to monsters in the area. Not only will it likely be lucrative, but it will make it that much harder for aspiring heroes to get equipment.  
If a poor village hires The Magnificent Seven Samurai, leave that place alone, or just snipe them all from a distance.  
Serving a Greater-Scope Villain is no fun, but if I have to do it, I will make sure that I know just how much he rewards loyalty. If the answer is “not much,” I will consider the merits of helping the heroes defeat him.  
If I have the ability to transform into a more powerful form I will not count on being given time to transform. Unless using it has negative effects on me, I will transform before doing battle with the heroes. And if they can transform, I will kill them mid-transformation if possible.  
Do not mess with The Union. Doing so will put me on the wrong end of The Mafia.  
If I have 7 incarnations across time and space, and they all get their butts kicked by a different hero each incarnation, if they team up to fight me, I will maybe consider surrender.  
If I must use a nondescript white van to transport prisoners, ensure it has excellent gas mileage. It would be awkward if the gas station employee hears the struggling of said prisoner.  
Anything can be used for orbital bombardment if it’s big enough. Anything from a 20 story building to a football field in size will suffice.  
Unless there's a very good reason to do so, don't even bother having The Masquerade. That being said, if there's a very good reason to do so, uphold it.  
If I'm something of a Noble Demon, and I've suffered from the effects of a spell gone wrong, or curse, which affects my appearance in such a way that I can't go out in public, and keeps me from reading the books I need in order to reverse the magic, if I hire a young woman to read them, I shall advise any other servants that I have to not interfere with her.  
If I've hired a young woman to read special books, so that I can try to break any curses I'm under, should one of my servants, or apprentices, try to interfere with her, I'll deal with them accordingly. This might be as simple as giving them a nice amount of money, and passage to another part of the country, along with a recommendation, or, if necessary, killing them, especially if they've proven to be exceptionally treacherous.  
If that young woman figures out the real reason I'm having her read those books, and/or sees my true hideous looks, I will attempt to use her sympathy, in order to make her stay, along with a generous amount of money and other forms of payment, like entry into that desired university, or a recommendation to those who could benefit from her capabilities.  
If it doesn’t work, I’ll simply hire someone else. It’s not as if she’s some sort of magical prodigy I need. All she’s doing is relaying information to me.  
Actually, if I have servants or apprentices, why don’t I just have them read the books for me? Unless they were also rendered unable to do so by the curse, I can just have them read the books to break my curse.  
If the answer is “because they’re idiots” or “because they can’t be trusted,” I will find new servants or apprentices.  
Of course, when hiring someone to read books to me, have a very good reason as to why I hired them, such as the fact that she can read the languages that the books are written in, like the Medieval versions of English, Spanish, French, German, Latin, Ancient Sumerian, Egyptian hieroglyphs, and other such obscure forms that current-day people would have issues reading.  
Likewise, when hiring her, make sure that she doesn't have any better prospects, to the point that receiving a very generous wage for simply reading old books to an eccentric millionaire is seen as a godsend.  
If it turns out that simply listening to her voice is a pleasure, and helps me to ignore the pains I have, even when the passage she's reading is not necessary, see to it that she's handsomely rewarded when I've figured out how to restore myself.  
If this woman becomes someone that I deeply care for, has seen my true face, and still helps me out, perhaps even falling for me, should someone abduct her, I'll hunt that bastard down, and tear him limb from limb! It would also be especially ironic if I reveal that one for the monster that they claim I am, with the claim that they cursed me. If I can somehow place my curse on them, that's just as good as curing myself.  
If this woman deeply cares for me, and I deeply care for them as well, odds are, there's bound to be a priest, or a judge, or someone, who can officiate the wedding, even if I need to slip them some money to grease the wheels. After all, there's nothing wrong with a Noble Demon being Happily Married.  
If I am not such a Noble Demon, and it turns out I have actually done some pretty awful things, but I still find myself falling for a girl that is not evil, I will not lie to her about my past. She will simply reject me once she finds out about it. If I love her enough to give up villainy, I will act tortured about my dark past. Maybe I’ll even find myself Becoming the Mask in that regard. Girls eat that sort of thing up anyway.  
And if at any point I have the need to back into my old tendencies, I will become a Serial-Killer Killer. The power provided by villainy feels good, but I can’t afford to go back to hurting innocents.  
However, if I am in love with the heroine, and she reciprocates, our battles will likely just end up as our way of flirting. I will, however, endeavor to avoid harming civilians.  
If I have captured, or my associates have captured that young lady, and we've made an agreement where she won't escape and thus I've allow her to wander about my place, as if she were a guest, I will at least explain why she's not to go into certain rooms - under renovation, under construction, under water, down-range of a firing range, secret lab, dangerous beasts that would rip her to shreds without me there, paintings of a nude Virgin Mary that might not be fitting for proper ladies to see, a janitor's closet, my bedroom, my mother's bedroom (and I hope that mother doesn't get the wrong idea about me and the young lady!), out-of-order elevator, and so on and so forth. After all, I don't want this woman dead, and have the hero come for my head instead of leaving after saving her.  
I will not reawaken an ancient evil. The average ancient evil is an Ungrateful Bastard.  
I will not excessively Kick the Dog. Not only will it make people dislike me, but it’s also just tacky.  
If I encounter a bald man with a cape, I will beg for mercy. He might just grant it to me.  
If I have captured The Hero and I must gloat about my evil plan, I will do it after I have already put the plan into effect.  
If I am in a setting where viler villains than me pop up frequently, I will consider making a Hazy Feel Turn. The heroes probably won’t trust me, but they’ll give me more leeway if we have a common goal.  
I will not have slaves - paid employees tend to work harder, and have to give a two week notice before they leave. Besides, the Hero has a tendency to free slaves, and have them turn against me.  
If I must have slaves, I will treat them with a certain level of kindness, seeing to it that they have good food, and that they have good clothes, and so on. This will reduce the likelihood of them turning on me. In fact, should the Hero show up to try to "free" them, said slaves might actually turn said Hero in.  
If I am invincible to the Hero's attacks, but not to my own attacks being used against me and/or using my attacks leaves me open, I will try to find out if Collision Damage is dealt to the hero in this universe. If it is, then I will just simply walk into the Hero until he dies when we fight. Even if he can dodge me, there's no other way he can kill me.  
If Collision Damage is not dealt to the hero in this universe, I will purchase weapons identical to those of the hero. They can’t harm me, but they probably can harm him.  
Should I, decades later, happen upon my long-lost Love Interest from before my Start of Darkness, I will exchange some friendly, goofy texts (or whatever the equivalent is in this setting) and then leave her alone.  
If I still have feelings for her, I will take several cold showers and then go back to vow 1748.  
If I am madly smitten with her, I will realize that, at this point, resisting would be counterproductive and pursue her. But if she says no, either because I became an Evil Overlord or for any other reason, I will LEAVE. HER. THE. FUCK. ALONE. Following these three rules will considerably increase the chances that, when she inevitably allies with The Hero, reveals to him my Achilles' Heel (herself, most likely), and brings about my defeat, she'll remember there's still some good left in me and ask him to not finish me off. But...  
If, against all odds, we do hit it off, I will invite her to rule as my equal and never, ever, ever abuse her trust. There's no surer way to a quick, messy, and probably fatal defeat than a Woman Scorned.  
I will not try to force The Hero to serve me unless I have a foolproof and permanent way of ensuring their cooperation (and even then, I’ll make sure I have a failsafe in case they ever betray me).  
In the event that I have an offspring who turns out to be disabled, homosexual, or without any powers, I will still care for them. Anyone who abandons their child just because they are different is way worse than myself in this case.  
I will make my ultimate, most powerful form one that looks like an ordinary human. When I transform from my less powerful, more monstrous form, I will fake defeat, as if the defeat of that form snapped me back to human form. Then, when my enemies try to finish me off, SURPRISE!  
Should one of my minions ever tell me No-One Could Have Survived That, I will have him make sure. Even if he Dropped a Bridge on Him, anyone worth the overkill is probably very good at surviving things they shouldn’t.  
I will never, ever say, This Cannot Be!! Instead I will recognize that perhaps it can, although depending on the context, it could be a deception, and plan for both.  
Likewise, I will never say, “Nothing can save you now,” or anything similar. That’s tempting fate a bit too much.  
I will strive to improve my abilities, and those of my subordinates, whenever we are not otherwise occupied. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting stomped by the guy I could one-shot last time we met.  
If my some of my minions are mind-controlled and some are not, and there is a hero I really need killed, I will send the minions that serve me of their own free will after the hero first, and only use the mind-controlled ones if I really have to. I don’t want the hero to get unexpected allies.  
If Contact Damage exists, it also shall be used as a security measure to look for spies if other methods are ineffective. My mooks will be instructed to walk into each other at regular intervals, and anyone that inexplicably sustains wounds from this is to be turned into swiss cheese, preferably using a lot of bullets. If a guard's faking a wound, he's got a lot to answer for if he somehow manages to not get shot dead, although he's probably Too Dumb to Live if he does this.  
Another thing relating to the situation described in vow 1518: I will attempt to develop a substitute for blood that can be consistently used without risks. This helps in two ways; the masses don't like paying too many taxes as shown in the American Revolution, and any other vampires who decide to use this substitute may go to my side because I developed what made their life so much easier.  
If there is a group that I want to keep in check, whatever the nature of the group, I will not focus too intently on wiping them out if it’s not absolutely necessary. Just picking off a few of the more rebellious ones every so often is less likely to cause a revolution.  
My Border Patrol Guards will, politely, and casually, ask travelers questions, such as where they came from, what are they in the area for (business or pleasure), if they had safe travels, or if they encountered any bandit issues that might need to be checked out. If someone, especially a well-armed adventurer, asks what's with the questions, my men will have prior instructions to say that they are to ask the travelers if there's any problems that could use fixing, like fallen trees, rut-filled roads, and other such things. Afterwards, the guard is to recommend to the traveler a very good inn that they could get a hot meal and warm bed at. Also, the patrol is to check out any trouble areas on the road.  
In the event that I have the manpower to take the area over, I'll just simply ask whomever does rule the area if me and mine could have a place to stay at, with my men acting as a border patrol. After all, why fight to steal a chicken once, when one could simply protect said chicken, in exchange for a regular supply of eggs. In this case, said "eggs" are a portion of the goods made or traded with the place. Who knows, I might even become the ruler in actuality some day.  
I shall set up a series of inns that are within a few hours' travel of each other. Near each inn will be a group of guards, who are on duty, plus a group of men, who, "technically" do odd jobs, but are really undercover, so that when the guards investigate a crime, the undercover ones can listen for any dissidents.  
While “awesome” and “practical” may overlap, if there’s a Boring, but Practical way of doing anything, it’s probably the better option.  
I will not be an Ungrateful Bastard, regardless of whether I am the Big Bad, the Greater-Scope Villain, or the Sealed Evil in a Can. Such would only drive potential allies away.  
I will generally be polite to my enemies. Concerns about whether or not I receive mercy as a result aside, anyone strong enough to genuinely challenge me is worthy of respect. And even if I don’t care about that, I don’t want to make them mad by not giving it to them.  
But I will NOT obviously fake it. If my opponent is not a genuine threat and is not worthy of respect, I will be honest with them about it without mocking them, just in case I underestimated them and they decide to punch my smug face in.  
There is nothing wrong with a good Crowd Song. After all, Gaston and Ratcliffe used them to their advantage in riling up the crowd for an assault. Tough crowds indeed, all armed with a lot of weapons.  
It would be a very good idea that, if I'm in one of those Deconstruction stories, to recognize if I'm the Villain rather than the Hero I thought that I was. Things go much smoother that way, at least for myself.  
If two of my technicians publish a message using our new top secret code in a magazine, which is a number to the office, and it gets cracked by some kid with Autism, I will not have the kid, or his family, targeted for assassination. Instead, I'll find out as much about the kid, and their family, as possible, visit them in person, and explain to their family that the kid cracked a supposedly uncrackable code. I will then see to it that the family is given a large sum of money to help them pay the kid's various bills, plus more money each year for said expenses, and when the kid is of legal age, I will give them a job offer. This makes me look very good indeed, and keeps me out of any legal troubles, plus the potential of a new asset.  
Note to self: Don't duel the guy who always overshadows you to the damn death. It never ends well, I'm sure of it.  
If I discover have a child I didn’t know about, and they have powers similar to the ones I am keeping secret, I will not try to kill them. Instead, I will offer to make them my assassin.  
If my only goal as a villain is making money, and I am given the opportunity to make money legitimately...I shall take that opportunity and stop being a villain. No point in having to deal with a hero in order to get rich when a way exists for me to get rich without them opposing me. Plus, if money was my only goal (and I don't think Evil Feels Good), I probably wasn't that committed in the first place.  
On the topic of money, I shall pay my taxes, no matter how much I dislike doing so - if the IRS could get Al Capone on tax evasion, then it's not that much of a stretch to imagine that whatever tax collecting agency I pay taxes to could haul me in for the same crime. I may be crazy enough to take on the hero, but even I don't have the guts to take on the IRS!  
And speaking of taxes, if I do manage to find myself in a position that would let me change the tax codes however I want, I will make it so that any heroic acts the heroes perform will be heavily taxed, and as a result, they'll be too busy trying to pay off said taxes to stop me (and if an underling finds themselves in said place, I'll order said underling to do so). And if the hero is filthy rich, I will also institute taxes that target the wealthy in general so he has less money to buy better equipment and supplies with. Plus, it would probably make me popular with the poor provided I use that money on them as opposed to just let it gather dust in my bank account or the empire's treasury.  
Should I fall in love with the heroine and, after carefully checking every other item of this list regarding the matter, realize that I am indeed in love and that she is unlikely to abandon her cause just with the temptation of power (and she most likely is), I'll seek to learn more about her so I can court her as a secret admirer of sorts. Many girls like this and it can improve my chances if once she learns of my feelings, she has a different image of me already. I'll also not confess that I am said secret admirer since she will at once assume I'm trying to manipulate her. Give her subtle hints (It's unlikely I'll fall in love with someone dumb, so she will figure it out herself) and act as if I didn't want her to find out, but couldn't simple forget said feelings.  
Likewise, I'll NOT kidnap her or be forceful in any manner. Besides being a very disgusting behaviour that will just push her away, it will only make her more determined to kill me. A very well-planned arrangement during which I happen to save her or we cross paths ('forcing me to take her with me' -with the necessary precautions, of course-) are preferable. I'll also not force her to marry me, but rather show a more humane and gentle side, talking about common interest, so she will see I'm not just a monster (even if there is not a single drop of goodness left in me). I'll also give logic explanations to my actions. Even if she is saved, she will be unable to forget our nice moments together and may start seeing things from my perspective.  
During my attempts to turn my love interest against her friends, I'll be sure to know the necessary about their relationships (serious arguments, occasional hurtful jocks, etc) and psychology in order to make her see their bonds are not so perfect or strong as she thinks they are. I'll, however, not use of any lies. Truth is the most powerful weapon in those cases.  
If, despite everything, she still rejects me, I will move on. It may take some crying and eating ice cream straight out of the carton, but I can't afford to let either my lingering feelings or my anger at her cloud my judgement. Yes, a spurned lover is dangerous, but they are also terrible at being pragmatic. That's not the sort of rage I want to channel.  
If I am married to the Good Queen and she keeps me from harming the innocent, only for some so-called hero to abduct her under the false impression I abducted and forced her into marriage then by all means, save her!  
If I have huge horns or a Horny Vikings-type design, I will refrain from using ramming or charging attacks on the hero, especially in a closed arena. This practice tends to cause one to get stuck in a wall.  
Similarly to Rule 1783 above, if I use a Blade on a Stick or a cane, I will not use it to perform a Shockwave Stomp or just slam it into the hero. This invariably makes it get stuck in the ground, (even in metal, for some inexplicable reason) and allows the hero time to hit me.  
I will take note of the fact that Everything Is NOT Better With Spinning. Yes, it can protect me from the hero's pesky fireballs or magic or arrows or whatnot, but a spinning attack tends to leave one dizzy or tired.  
If I have an army of mindless zombies, I will not give them complex tasks, nor will I allow them to observe me when I work on a complex task.  
If the Hero, or the Resistance, or some Critic of my regime, or just some fella trying to make some money for their daily bread, makes a game, or a play, or a movie, or a book, that is clearly based off of me, and makes me look like an idiot, I will not have them arrested and/or shot for doing so. Instead, I'll check it out, give credit where credit is do, and I'll even claim like some aspects of it. I will Not! make it illegal to own/watch/play/whatever. That sort of thing only inspires the Resistance.  
If I find that my Mooks are playing some RPG that is clearly based off of me, which makes me look like an idiot, or they are wearing the Hero's merchandise, I will not get upset and have them barbecued. Instead, I'll just ask if they are having fun playing the game, or if the merchandise is dashing, and if they need anything else to go with it.  
If I play some sort of board game, or video game, or some RPG, or any other such game, I will not throw a hissy fit if I lose. Instead, I'll just ask the other players if they have any tips so that I can improve my performance, and/or say "Good Game." Likewise, don't formulate a revenge plan over someone who bests me in some minor game. After all, I have the rest of the world to take over.  
Create my own game that makes me look great, which kids will love to play. After all, those are the people who will grow up under my rule.  
As stated many times over throughout the list, using an ancient evil for my own gains, is NEVER a good idea. Despite this, neither is giving it more power. This will likely end even worse than if I had attempted to game the blasted thing in the first place, such as, oh, I don't know, a Lovecraftian horror turning into a SUPER Lovecraftian horror that pretty much wins just by existing.  
If, for whatever reason, I do ever need to exploit an ancient evil, I will first learn everything there is to know about it. Then, in case my method of controlling it fails, I will have at least half a dozen contingencies theoretically capable of killing it (ideally including a Logical Weakness that would have been hard to find when it was sealed away, a bomb that can be implanted at the base of its skull, and a Legendary Weapon which is capable of smiting great evil that the hero would normally use).  
If I have a minion who, if killed by someone else, releases an Eldritch Abomination, I will see to it that they get to live in peace. Yes, having an Eldritch Abomination unleashed against my enemies might sound appealing, but it’s not worth the potential collateral damage (read:me).

I will remember that "beautiful" does not translate to "stupid." That bombshell could very well be the one person who could make my plan work, but you can't tell intelligence just by looking at someone, even if their head looks swollen enough to assume they have a gigantic brain. Instead, I'll find a way to see if they're good for doing something if they want to work for me.

In the event that I can summon minions and the undead, I shall treat them well, especially if they happen to be sapient, or can gain it. After all, if I should be in a state where I can't control them, I don't want them to turn on me right away.

No uncannily clever AI. Ever. I don’t want my position as the main villain taken away.

In addition to Rule 1785, if I really do want to try using spinning to block attacks, I will see if I can get two orbitars to do the spinning and deflecting for me.

If my superpowered minions need sparring partners for their training and these sparring partners are my regular soldiers, I will instruct my superpowered minions not to kill or maim their sparring partners. Loyal soldiers are hard to come by. If my superpowered minions need sparring partners and their powers are invariably lethal, I will not use my soldiers as sparring partners. Scum from my dungeons will do.

I will absolutely not allow my superpowered minions with invariably lethal powers to spar against each other. It would be absolutely idiotic to lose such invaluable assets in a training accident. In fact, they will be trained in separate facilities to avoid spur-of-the-moment murders.

Minions with potentially nonlethal powers can and will be encouraged to spar with each other and with my regular troops. This way when they inevitably betray me, I will have fighters with experience in taking them down.

If I witness my mortal enemy being killed by a third party due to related or unrelated reasons, I won't save him because only I am allowed to defeat him. Such a decision is always counterproductive, so I will rather sit back and watch the show.  
Even if my henchman does indeed bring me the head of my mortal enemy, be very careful, especially in settings with highly advanced technology or highly powerful magic. After all, I might end up with one of those talking head things.  
In light of the previous vow, if I receive the head of my enemy, I will resist trying to do a " Alas, poor Yorick!" moment with it.  
I will not mount a war of extermination against the species my race happens to eat. It's a great way to make sure nobody is really loyal to me.  
I will make sure that the bathroom stalls at the base are wide enough for ANYONE to use them. Seriously, the only thing worse than having a bad case of diarrhea in a stall WITHOUT toilet paper, is to ALSO be in one that is WAY too small!  
If I'm into those role-playing games, treat the NPCs as if they might be real people - sometimes you never know.  
I, or any of my henchmen or partners, will never, ever relay secret information (even though it may sound deliberately ambiguous) in a public place, or even places with lots of recognizable ambient noises.  
If I have somehow convinced the head of a city or even a nation to work for/with me, I will not use him to immediately pass the bills favorable to my situation. That will arouse lot of attraction, and those snooping kids/detectives will no doubt put two and two together. Instead, I will advise him to act normally, and report to me about their 'protectorate' as well as potential kids/detectives to provide a countermeasure in the situation I do need to use him to pass bills favorable to my situation.  
If I am in hiding after being defeated and have to change my identity, I must select the one who has no close contacts, even people who are estranged from their relatives or friends for whatever reasons. Most likely, they won't bother keeping contact with 'the guy', so any changes will be automatically ignored, and if someone does notice my differing quirks, I will just cook up a reasonable excuse, perhaps being regretful of the guy's attitude (or whatever that might work).  
That said, if my former stints as the Evil Overlord is quite famous, I must not repeat those acts wherever I am hiding, not even agree with/denounce my former personality. I will simply be the guy in the background (if I can't avoid it).  
I will assume that luck and fate are not on my side and plan accordingly. Maybe the hero is actually a Decoy Protagonist, but if not, luck and fate are probably on their side. I make my own luck, and that is what makes me dangerous.  
I will not act like those Karens over there in those Reddit forums. Seriously ladies! Can't you see that the fella in the sweat-stained tank top and gym shorts doesn't work there?  
While on that subject, don't act like an entitled jerk, as that's one way to end up in a Reddit post.  
If God Is Evil and I am said god in a universe where magic, mana or the like is commonplace, I will not screw with humans for the hell of it. Sure, it may seem fun in the short term, but humans are some tenacious little bastards, and when they, as a species, get pissed, bad things happen.  
Or I will just bid my time till they are divided.  
If the Hero has foiled my scheme to capture an important McGuffin to complete my plans, and then the next day I read in the newspapers that another such McGuffin is put on display in the City museum, I'll pass up the opportunity. The odds are it's a trap the Hero set up to catch me and the McGuffin is a fake.  
When I build a Flying Fortress of Doom to hover above the Capital City and launch missiles at famous landmarks, I will also include hidden sections in its design filled with canisters of nerve gas. When the Hero blows up my FFoD, the nerve gas tanks rupture and the Hero will destroy the city. Then, when the Hero is crippled with grief of having killed everybody, I will finish him off with some well-placed sniper rounds.  
All the escape pods on my Flag ship have a keypad so that I can verify my identity upon launching the pod. When I punch in the identification code, it triggers an automated self-destruct mechanism, which destroys the ship when I exit the ship with my escape pod as soon as the pod clears the blast zone. There is no other way to trigger the self-destruct mechanism.  
If I enter a race/game/competition with the Hero, I will not cheat. Instead I will frame him for cheating, or even better, trick him into accidentally breaking the rules. Then I will expose him as a fraud and have him disqualified. My minions will be present with cameras and surveillance equipment to record the Hero's cheating, so I can have it displayed globally with my vast propaganda machinery.  
My fancy new Flag ship has a hidden tracking beacon, which will activate automatically, if I don't punch in an identification code every morning. This prevents the Hero from stealing my expensive new ship and taking it to his Rebel friends.  
I will have a flash drive in my possession, which contains shutdown codes for every single ship in my fleet, in case the enemy captures my ships and tries to use them against my Fleet of Doom. Each of my ships will also have a secret backup radio receiver, in case the Hero smashes the primary radio.  
I will not kill my henchmen just because they made a mistake. I will forgive a blunder once. It's good for the morale, and making mistakes is how people learn and become more effective at their work. However, I will make it clear that each person in my payroll gets one and only one chance to make amends. I will not tolerate repeat screw-ups.  
If I trick another villain to team up with me, I will keep in mind not to gloat about it to the Hero. The odds are he is recording the whole conversation and uses it to turn my duped ally against me.  
If I fight the Hero and he disarms me, but is then unable to kill me in cold blood, I will not attempt to grab the nearest weapon and charge at him. That is suicide. Neither will I start to taunt him for his foolishness. Instead, I will admit my defeat, thank him for his mercy and escape when he is baffled by my response.  
If the Hero comes to my office, makes accusations about my schemes and then leaves, I will not rush to the telephone and make phone calls to my accomplices to have him killed. Most likely the Hero attempted to rattle me into action to expose me. Instead, I will meet with a lawyer and discuss with him about filing a lawsuit about a slander case against the Hero. That will throw him off my trail.  
When I go tell my Evil scientist that his project is cancelled and he should get out of the building, I make sure his entrance privileges are cancelled before I break him the news. Same thing for my business partner/apprentice/accountant/trusted lieutenant/whatever when I betray him.  
When I dispose of a body, I will first remove all electrical devices which may be used to pinpoint the body's location, such as GPS locators and cell phones, and then destroy them immediately. Alternatively, have said tracking devices moved to and activated in a nondescript location; so should any heroes connected to the deceased come to mount a rescue mission, a setup of high-explosive booby traps — ideally with a cadre of snipers a safe distance away for extra measure — will be there and waiting.  
Once my Plan for World Domination has succeeded, I will keep in mind the possibility of some random scientist inventing a time machine. The details of how I succeeded will be kept from public and a completely fictional story will be made available, designed specifically to mislead time travelling Heroes.  
The shark tanks on the walls of my office are nothing but wide screen televisions showing an image from my shark tank. That way the Hero cannot distract my mooks by shooting the shark tanks and flooding my office. TV screens are easier to replace than mouldy office furniture.  
If my guards capture the Hero snooping around my front corporation, I will not attempt to kill him with a Death trap. Instead I will hand him over to the police and accuse him of trespassing and industrial espionage, unless he has already found some critical information. That should confuse him.  
If my guards capture the Hero in my front corporation and he has found incriminating evidence, I will still order him to be handed over to police, but I will give my Trusted lieutenant a secret gesture. The Trusted lieutenant then protests and suggests us to handle the Hero ourselves. Then I will scoff him off and order him to do as I say. Then my Trusted lieutenant shall escort the Hero to be killed. This way, if the Hero escapes, he thinks that I am just an innocent dupe being played and my Trusted lieutenant is the real Big Bad.  
I will not attempt to duplicate the Superhero's powers and equip my army of minions with them to defeat him. That's counterproductive as Hero is the one person who knows most about the weaknesses of his particular superpower set.  
I will not attempt to set my organization to destroy the Superhero with robots and an army of superpowered minions. It is costly and wasteful. Instead I will hire only normal minions to get things done and a couple of C-list supervillains to keep the Superhero occupied. I will create a fake command center underground, which the C-lister guards from hero. When the Superhero comes, he beats up the C-lister, ties up my minions, torches the place and then leaves. Option for a masked dupe to work in the role of the boss to give the Superhero some closure and sense of accomplishment. The real operations will be handled in a regular office building by minions wearing suits undisturbed by Superheroes.  
Whatever logo my organisation or front corporation has, I will not have it displayed on everything, especially not stationary. That will only provide unnecessary clues to the Hero. All the little nicknacks, tools and supplies will be off-the-shelf products without any custom logos or extra markings.  
Whenever I use the points made in this list to foil the Hero, I will not gloat to him about reading this list. After all, if the Hero survives and escapes, he might take the time to read this list too.  
Whenever I use a disguise, I will pick a completely random fake name to go with it, rather than use clever anagrams or characters from my favorite book/movie/play etc. The Heroes are always good at figuring out those kinds of details.  
Whenever I use a disguise, one of my lookalike minions will also use a disguise and act as a decoy, complete with a fake name using an anagram or character's name from my favorite book/movie/play etc. The Heroes will always notice that kind of a fake name and I have a good opportunity to lead them to a trap.  
That big, menacing ship flying over the Capital city lobbing missiles at famous landmarks is called the diversion. My main operation is always something small and subtle happening elsewhere while everyone is distracted with sky war.  
The New Guy in my crew will not be trusted with crucial details of my plans, no matter what his credentials are and no matter how much my Lieutenant swears by him. That kind of trust can only be earned after I personally witness him committing acts unsuitable for undercover operatives.  
I shall wear the Spare key to my Safe visibly on my neck. Anyone stealing that key and using it to open my safe quickly learns that the key has an extra pin on it that triggers a spray of acid on the culprit. I will also keep in mind which pin is trapped and can vile it down to open the safe without danger in case I cannot access my primary safe key.  
I will not allow any drug addicts in my drug-related operations. They will just stick the shipments into their own noses, do something stupid while wasted, get caught and draw unnecessary attention to my organization. If I find out one of my minions has developed a drug habit, I will kindly instruct him to check into rehab and at the very least I will move him to some non-drug related role.  
I shall reserve one cell in my Fortress of Doom exclusively for the Hero and I shall equip it with a TV monitor, so I can get the gloating done remotely. That way I don't have invite him to the control room, where he might attack the personnel and fiddle with the controls at the critical moment in my operation to help a group of allies break into my Fortress of Doom.  
I will not lie to the Hero just out of contrariness. That just pisses him off and erodes my credibility needlessly. I will talk to him as sincerely as possibly, carefully rationing lies for those times when they truly have an impact on Hero's behavior to my benefit.  
If I've defeated the Hero, and achieved World Domination, only to get bored of victory, and I decide to make the foolish mistake of creating some "Hero" to come after me, in addition to a criminal background check, I'll also check out their psychological profile. I don't want to accidentally create a villain who is worse than me.  
If I've located some dupe to be the "Replacement Hero", and I've sent my Snatch Squad to their home, only for the dupe to mistake my guys for ordinary thugs/bandits and tell them to "rob that rich little old lady across the street", said Snatch Squad is to leave the premises. In fact, said Snatch Squad is to leave a note with said "Rich Little Old Lady" about how cowardly her neighbor is.  
If I am too stringent about security, I would never use security technology, like security boxes or vault-designs already used by the rest of the world. I will have a part of my Research and Development team always focused on improvements. Some funding is necessary for the cyber-division as well, to think about it.  
If I have no records that could be used to find me, my face isn't too instantly recognizable, and I stay out of places where the hero could find me, then it really doesn't matter that much who sees my face.  
I will consider the advantages of forcing the hero onto equal terms as myself when we battle, possibly even extending this to my lieutenants; for example, refusing to fight him until grabs a standard soldier's sword that I've put in the arena. Not only does this make me look like a Noble Demon, it also will more often than not render moot all those fancy Infinity +1 Swords, Game Breakers, MacGuffins, and what have you.  
Furthermore, I will also make sure that the weapon I give them is not one that either is effective against me or my lieutenants (or the quest in general), or is the weapon type the hero specializes in. I mean, come on, giving him a battleaxe when he specializes in An Axe to Grind or a BFS? That's just suicidal.  
I will not raise a Tyke Bomb nor will I permit any of my subordinates to do so. Their eventual mental instability will make them a dangerous loose cannon who are just as likely to kill my other subordinates over an imagined slight as they are to kill my enemies. The former of which is incredibly bad for morale, and in a worst case possible scenario, will cause a lot of infighting among my subordinates that would greatly weaken my forces.  
Moreover, there is nothing to be gained from a Tyke Bomb that I could not get from raising a child who, in spite of enduring intense training, still had very healthy and happy relationships with friends and family. This way, the kid is unlikely to betray me in a fit of insanity or because of the hero’s persuasion, and the causality rates among my forces would possibly start to lower.  
I will never, in any circumstances, order a meeting of all my partners and underlings at one place. That's just providing an Anti-Hero or a Pragmatic Hero full scope to end us in one blow (literally). If it's necessary that a plan has to be circulated among my followers, I will opt for e-mail or video cameras. That will include funerals/family celebrations of higher-ups as well.  
Some advice from Quigley Down Under, just because someone tells you that they don't have much use for a certain weapon, don't assume that they don't know how to use it. More than one has learned this lesson the hard way. This also applies to those who claim to not like a certain weapon. After all, even Batman, who hates guns, knows how to use them.  
If I've figured out The Hero's Secret Identity, and I end up encountering their children, who might not know what their parent does for a living, I will simply smile, and tell them to tell their parent that I said "Hello". Nothing frightens a Hero more than finding out that their enemy knows about their family. Exception: if the Hero doesn't know my Secret Identity, and I am using said identity when I encounter the Hero's family, I will refrain from saying anything.  
That being said, never EVER do anything to harm the Hero's family, especially their children, while the Hero is able to retaliate unless they are clearly acting against me on their own. More than one fool has found out the hard way as to why this is a bad idea.  
If the Hero's family does take action against me, I wind up capturing them, and the Hero attempts to rescue them, I will tell the Hero and the captured family members that I will release the captives if the Hero promises that they will never again take action against me. The Hero will be desperate for a win, and will do his best to keep his word - and even if I eventually kill the Hero, his family will be honor-bound not to seek revenge. If they try anyway, they will find less public support for their dishonorable ways.  
If, for some reason, I feel the need to monologue about my evil plan to the Hero, I will first break or bind their wrists and ankles so they cannot interfere.  
If I operate a restaurant or some sort of retail store as a front for my base, I will make sure to stand up for those working in that decoy area. Should I spot some overly-self-entitled person (often known as a Karen or Chad) harassing another customer or an employee, I'll throw that Karen/Chad out of the place. If they threaten to call the police after I've tossed them out, I'll tell them to do so. When the police do come, I'll simply show them the security footage, after which the police will take away the Karen/Chad for whatever they did. Exception: if this is a Villain whose support I need, I will take them aside and instruct them on the necessities of maintaining a cover, including if necessary lying about accepting others as equals while in the disguised area. They might never be able to mentally process that all human beings have rights and legal protections, even when I might manipulate some of them, but they can understand lying (about something they firmly believe is false, even if it is actually true) in constrained circumstances (such as within the physical boundaries of the front) out of demonstrable necessity.  
I will learn from others’ mistakes, both fictional, historical, and those of people I know (or knew), especially those who tried something very similar to what I wish to do. They were kind enough to show me what does not work, usually at the cost of their treasure and/or lives. I have no need to spurn their gifts.  
If I am invading another planet, I will do research on the planet first. I want to know the planet’s military capabilities, the political landscape, how they see themselves, if they have powerful protectors, all the things that might be useful to know.  
In the event that I've managed to wipe the floor with the world's super-powered heroes, including those with fancy powersuits, only to end up facing a guy who has nothing more than some mundane weapons, gadgets, and martial arts, back away from them, right away! There's a reason he's part of this team, part of it being that he himself can take them out with no issues. The other reason is this — he doesn't know the meaning of the words "Surrender," "Quit," "Give up," "Stop," or "Just Die Already!"  
I will never indulge in Would You Like to Hear How They Died? to cornered heroes. That will just infuriate them into a Heroic Second Wind. I will taunt them only when The Hero is literally unable to oppose me anymore.  
If there have been cases of a Contagion-like virus around my turf, I will not treat it like a joke. Rather than put the whole land in lockdown, I will make sure the appropriate "cases" are quarantined for whatever my trusted medical advisors can prove to me is the likely incubation period.  
If my son, or daughter, is in that particular section of Health Ed, where they have to take care of that substitute baby, and I find out that the Hero is toting around one of them, I will call for a truce for the next four-to-five weeks, because it's possible that, just maybe, this Hero is my offspring's partner in that class, and I want my child to get a good grade. Likewise, I'll tell the other Villains to put their plans on hold for the next few weeks - should they not comply with this request, then the Hero just got themselves a new temporary ally, for the next couple of weeks. Nothing is more important than making sure that my child has a good chance at passing their classes.  
If I'm an Evil Wizard, and I've run out of spells that I can safely use, remember that my Magic Staff is a nice piece of wood that can be used to whack people with - hence why I will use a staff over a wand. Also, make sure that others under my command understand the reasoning why.  
Criminal enterprises can make for excellent information gathering and smuggling networks. Therefore, I will purposely seek out said enterprises among my allies and enemies, and quickly take them over under some heroic guise. This will grant me new means of waging war on my enemies by weakening, then exploiting, them from within, and all the while giving me some great PR points!  
Furthermore, by taking over any underworld criminal empires among my allies, in response for my aid in ridding them of a serious thorn in their side, the alliances I have forged with my allies will only grow stronger and more loyal. Should they try to betray and/or plot against me however, and count themselves as my enemies, see above.  
Everything’s better if it can be mass-produced for my Legions of Terror. If it’s too expensive to make more than one, it’s too expensive to make, period.  
Do not mess around in the kitchen of Gordon Ramsay — that dude makes me look nice!  
If I have an Artifact of Doom or even a Soul Jar containing most of my powers and it tends to slip a lot, the least thing I could do is to place a tracker (or a tracking spell) on the artifact, of which only I can get the location signal, not anyone else. I don't want to search for it and therefore waste my time, while my enemies still believe they have a chance.  
I should consider the merits of being The Man Behind the Man as well as Almighty Janitor and being the real brains behind the so-called Evil Overlord who is in the public. If I do have the tenacity and wits to control such a powerful individual subtly, I can certainly spin a convincing tale to make the heroes let me go without any suspicion on my head, in the case the organization comes crashing around us. That said, if stealth is my objective, I should never take a major role in the organization I am controlling.  
I'll never force someone to make Propaganda Recordings in the enemy's language to demoralize the enemy — such forced labor will cause the announcer to tell the enemy things I don't want them to know — things like my own troops' movements, any logistics issues, where important people are, and so on.  
Those who volunteer to produce propaganda will be carefully investigated, again, to prevent similar issues as above.  
If the hero has demonstrated an ability to grow significantly stronger through repeated battles, then I will acquire this ability myself (if I don't already have access to it), and follow up any preliminary victory over a hero who was just starting out with a great deal of training to maintain my superiority. It would be horribly embarrassing to be bested in Round 2 by a loser from a backwater peasant village just because I forgot to level grind.  
It is also best to make sure that these preliminary victories are also final victories — isolating the hero from The Cavalry will be a top priority.  
The local inn-owners, or bartenders will be directly or indirectly working for me. This way, whatever news some adventurers or mercenaries will be getting will be coming from me, and if they have to fulfill quests to earn their bread, they will unknowingly be doing my work.  
The above mentioned inn-owners and bartenders should be paid adequately and timely, especially if they have family, so that they won't even think about betraying me no matter how much the band begs them to drop information on me.  
Make sure that all underlings' contributions to any project, no matter how minor, is mentioned in the proper places, especially those brought on via a Happy Accident that either significantly improves the project, or exposes the flaws in a project.  
If I find out that some Head Advisor, or some other Supervisor person, steals credit from an underling, said credit thief will be fired — out of a cannon! And into a wall of spikes! The victim will then be compensated, with about six months of the thief's pay.  
If I have managed to capture the hero and strip him of his armor and weapons, but I refuse to kill him for some reason, rather than just hiding their gear nearby, I’ll simply have it destroyed. After all, the hero will inevitably escape, but my Mooks will at least have a chance at actually killing the hero if the hero doesn’t have any of their enchanted armor or weapons while they’re trying to escape their prison.  
If one of my mooks asks me, in regards to capturing the hero, "Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?" - I'd better have a good reason as to why I Want Them Alive. If it turns out that I don't, I'll admit that the minion has a point, and alter the order accordingly - capture alive if possible, wounded if need be, and dead if keeping the hero alive isn't possible.  
When it comes to Ceremonial and Parade Uniforms, make sure that those are just as effective at keeping my men alive as those made for the front lines. Granted, I might be willing to skimp on the stealth capabilities, but I at least want them to be as good at taking a blow, or a round, as one meant for the battlefield. After all, one never knows if the enemy will attack me during some ceremony or other such things.  
In addition, I will also try to make the Mook uniforms as practical/stylish as possible. This is good for morale.  
Even though my Mooks will have to swear Undying Loyalty to me and my cause, I must assume some of them might try to be The Starscream. I will consider installing bugs that responds to trigger sentences, and punish the arrogant Mook who thinks he can overthrow me. The punishments are to be carried in a top secret manner, we can't let our soldiers know they're being watched.  
Finally, if possible, I should try to find a Awesome Mc Coolname for my evil army. If it's based on military lines, then this shall also apply to the divisional, regimental, and battalion level.  
I will strictly enforce Shoot the Dog in my evil organization. Honor and pride are worth many things, but victory is the first thing we all aspire to. If the former get in the way of victory, then we might as well be The Hero.  
If an Amnesiac Hero wanders into my territory, I will kill them at once. Granted I could manipulate them to my will, but the chance of the Laser-Guided Amnesia being reversed is always too great.  
If possible, I will contract a well-talented composer to write some songs and music for me and my evil army. If I have a time machine, I should also see about hiring long-deceased composers for this purpose.  
In addition, I should also see the possibilities of learning to play the Ominous Pipe Organ or any other related musical instrument. Not only can this inspire fear, it also has every chance of making me look stylish and cultured.  
See that guy teabagging my fallen minion — shoot him in the testicles! You just don't disrespect the dead like that! That being said, if teabagger is a woman, getting shot there still hurts! They will learn not to do it again!  
If it turns out getting a composer for my army's theme song is just way too expensive, I'll settle for using an already existing song. Plenty already do that trick.  
Don't underestimate a new hero - even rookies get lucky once in a while.  
If people from a place that has magic tries to conquer my technologically advanced land, I will ask them just how common magic is in their land. If everyone, and their mom, can use it, and it's superior to my technology, don't be afraid to make some sort of deal.  
If it turns out that only a handful of people from the magic world can use magic, and/or the magic is equal or less powerful compared to my technology, I'll demonstrate the power that any one of my people could easily access, even the magicless ones. They might be the ones trying to cut a deal afterwards.  
I will not try Hijacking Cthulhu unless I am absolutely, totally sure that I can keep control of whatever powerful being I’m trying it on. It sometimes works but more often the hijacker finds that Evil Is Not a Toy.  
If a person who is a One-Man Army has sworn themself to my services, then my priority regarding handling them will be not to piss them off, else their fury will be directed to me and my organization as in the worst case scenario, I will watch everything crumbling around me alone.  
If I do decide to betray them, No Kill Like Overkill is the only possible way, and before they have a chance to process the betrayal at all.  
While some folks like to destroy history, and try to claim that they had "invented the Whooper" and not the person who actually did, I will actually take an interest in Historical Conservation. In fact, I shall see to it that funding is set aside to educate folks on those "increasingly lost" building methods. Even if I'm not a fan of that 16th century stone church, it looks good for PR purposes if I am supporting its maintenance. That, and the Hero's Secret Identity will, more than likely, try to also drum up support for said church, or whatever historical place I'm trying to help out.  
In the event that the Hero had some sort of monument made of them, and then I best them, I'll leave said monument alone. It's a good idea to have a reminder that it's possible for me to be beaten. Also, folks don't look kindly upon those who just destroy monuments for no good reason, especially if the other had dedicated their life to saving people. Beside, there's nothing wrong with showing respect to a fallen rival. Exception: if the monument is magic, or hiding dangerous technology that I would prefer not to allow into others’ hands. In that case I would make a copy and then destroy it.  
If I am off to invade The Hero's base of operations, to end the conflict once and for all, I must never leave my own lair unguarded. They will simply take it over and use my own devices and plans to destroy me and my army. If The Hero gets any smart ideas to invade my place, I will keep properly-tested and cleared Super Soldiers as well as Elite Mooks as a surprise.  
If one of my partners proposes a Stupid Evil plan that seems attractive in the front, and I seem to agree with them, I will... have that partner disposed of and see myself to a genuine psychiatrist. Seriously, having such plans always backfires and I should be able to recognize that.  
I will see to it that my mooks are trained to use any weapon that they can get their hands on, including the Hero's own weapons. Failing that, smashing a chair over their head tends to do the job.  
Make sure that my magic users and the like can cast spells while wearing armor. After all, most foes expect the guy wearing plate armor to use a sword, not a Fireball!  
I will at no point boast, "I cannot be betrayed." As someone who's been around long enough to become an Evil Overlord, I damned well should know better.  
I will not put half of my obsession's soul into a blank void. That's how you get possessed by some mentally unstable fucker.  
If the Hero and his army mount a surprise raid on my fortress, and I don't have time to reach my secret escape pod, I will disguise myself as a member of the custodial staff. The Hero would not look very heroic killing some poor, defenseless janitor and the Anti-Hero would consider it a waste of ammunition.  
I will consider the merits of having my 'secret' headquarters being in a public place but properly disguised from unknowing eyes. After all, the search team or any detective will probably flag abandoned ruins, cave tunnels as well as mines as a suspicious location, rather than, let's say, right next to (or underneath) their own building.  
Remember what I said about killing the Amnesiac Hero? That goes double for amnesiac villains, and triple for amnesiac villains who seem like they became heroes after losing their memories.  
If I've been able to give a small Local law enforcement agency the runaround, only for them to ask a larger Federal agency to hold onto the evidence they've gathered on me, under no circumstances will I go after the Federal agency - that's asking for major trouble.  
When I am in a Fantasy or Sci-Fi setting, and I get a recruit who doesn't look like he should get the job, like a Centaur Rogue, keep in mind Square Race, Round Class. For all I know, because he doesn't look like a typical thief, no one would dare to suspect him.  
If I've wronged The So-Called Coward, only for them to show up at my place, and lock the door instead of just leaving - get out the backdoor quick! He's about to unleash Hell!  
My guards will try one (1) time to kill the hero with their usual weapons. If this does not work, they will not stand there and unload their entire arsenal at the hero despite a lack of success. Instead they will flee, lock any and all doors between them and the hero and immediately inform me of the situation and the hero's immunity.  
If the heroes have actually managed to defeat/kill me which leads to the decline of my organization/empire, and my followers have managed to break me out/somehow resurrect me in order to bring it back to its glory, I would heed their advice and slowly bring it Back from the Brink and not pursue revenge, up to the moment I would be absolutely sure I can defeat the heroes completely this time.  
That being said, I can always prepare for my revenge while rebuilding my group. Nothing surprises the Hero more than to find me not only rebuilt, but also ready for Round 2.  
Always train when I get the chance, in one form or another. If the Hero beat me once, I'd better Level Up, and do some grinding on the Exp, and gather some stat-boosting equipment. That way, when he comes boasting about having that 18 Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma (I think he cheated on the dice rolls), I'll show mine that show 30 in all stats across the board.  
Being a President Evil is overrated if my nation has term limits. It’s much better to put puppet rulers in the Capital.  
For this purpose, voter fraud is very useful. But if I can’t do it without getting caught, I had better have the courts in my pocket too.  
Of course, it’s a moot point if I’m the only one running. And if I’m not...well, that’s what secret police are for, right?  
On second thought, why bother being a President Evil at all? There’s too much paperwork involved. Being the Evil King is simpler.  
Another reason to keep in mind Square Race, Round Class when it comes to recruiting folks who initially look like they don't fit the job - equal opportunity employment.  
If a lavish wedding to the beautiful princess is necessary for political or magical reasons, the security surrounding the wedding will be equally lavish: hundreds of armed security guards and a cadre of my best henchpersons on hand to deal with anyone who dares try to disrupt the ceremony.  
I will always find a a way to get the last laugh, even in defeat. As Captain Jack Sparrow said, "You may kill me, but you may never insult me."  
When demanding ransom money, I will request using nonstandard but valid currency so it will be harder to trace.  
A little bit of theatrics doesn't hurt your villainous street cred, but overdoing it, especially in the planning stage, will lead to easy exploitation by the heroes.  
If it turns that someone is trying to sell the MacGuffin I need for the next stage of my plan, I will not send someone to mug or kill the seller for the item, thus drawing attention to the fact that someone really wants it for some reason, I will just quietly buy it and leave the previous owner in total ignorance of its importance.  
I will not have the friends, families or loved ones of my subordinates (especially not my elite soldiers or trusted lieutenants) used as slaves, test subjects, sacrifices or monster kibble if it is at all possible to use someone else instead. Such behavior is a great way to turn a loyal subordinate into a rebellious one.  
If it turns out that I absolutely have to use someone close to a subordinate for such a thing, I will make absolutely sure that the blame for their disappearance falls on someone else.  
If I need to buy supplies or expertise from a third party, I will pay them fairly instead of ripping them off or murdering them the moment the job is done. Such things may save me money in the short term, but once word gets around or people notice that my subcontractors are never seen again, nobody will want to do business with me anymore.  
If there is something unique about the location of my evil lair that can make its location be deduced by soil samples, plant matter or other debris that can accumulate on my clothing/equipment by spending time there and then fall off at a crime scene, I will relocate to a more anonymous location unless there is some specific reason why I need to be operating out of that general area.  
I will only sell off older model weapons, equipment, and vehicles after they've been replaced with something VASTLY superior. A significant portion of the proceeds from those sales will go into my R&D department's coffers.  
If the Hero (appears to) fire his weapon at me and miss, I will not make a snide remark at his expense...I will dive for cover.  
Also, after diving for cover, double check to see if I got an extra hole in my body. Those things can be annoying, especially ones through my head or heart.  
If I do find that extra hole in a lethal spot, make damn sure the Hero isn't going to walk away either. I might be dead, but I'll be damned before someone brags about killing me.  
The ornate throne in the great hall of my palace will have a pressure plate hidden under the seat. If anyone is so arrogant as to sit down on it, a hatch will open in the ceiling and they will be launched into the air Team Rocket style.  
Of course, I will calibrate it so that it won't eject me into the sky. It will not make a good impression if I have to sit down and then the Mooks see their boss fly off every time.  
If any of my minions happen to be shapeshifters or masters of disguise, I will put their abilities to good use by having them spy on the Hero and the Rebellion.  
Instead of the usual, useless plot to cancel, steal, or ruin Christmas (or its closest equivalent on our world), I will offer to pay everyone in my evil organization generous holiday bonus the year the Hero's corpse brought before me. Offer void if the Hero isn't 100% confirmed perma-dead.  
Actually, make it a flat Quadruple Pay during the holidays. Killing the Hero though, that's an Extra Bonus.  
I will, in fact, use my resources to boost Christmas, and fight against those who wish to ruin or destroy Christmas. Doing this will paint me as A Lighter Shade of Black, so that The Hero will be convinced to not shoot me down on sight, as well as helping my civilian persona further on.


End file.
